Kyoto in the Rain
by Michaela07
Summary: Jasper has been living in Tokyo for six years. Meeting Edward in a local bar was easy. Loving the broken man will be the real challenge. AH, Edward/Jasper, Slash
1. Missing You

**Disclaimer**: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer

A/N: The story started as one shot but I simply couldn't resist the temptation :) I hope you will like these boys and their week in Kyoto, Japan and their life in Singapore. Let me know what you think please.

Many thanks to Project Team Beta for their awesome help.

Update:

Barb has asked about Touchstone67 in her review. The first chapter was written as a thank you for Touchstone, and without her words of encouragement I would have never written the rest. She has also pre-read several of the early chapters and without her approval and her permission the story wouldn't have been posted. It's not an alternative ending to her story.

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><p><strong>Chapter 1 - Missing You<strong>

_2007_

EPOV

I can't believe I forgot to buy a bottle of water _again_. I have been in Japan for three months, and here I am in the middle of the crowded fish market, feeling like a fish out of water.

It is hot. It is too damn hot; thank God I don't have to return to the office. If I touch the top of my head I can feel how warm my hair is from the sunshine. I reach for my shirt to pull it off my chest for the hundredth time, only to know I will feel the sticky cloth on my skin again the second I drop it from my fingers.

I know my hair is a mess; I can feel a drop of sweat running down from my hairline, no doubt making a visible line on my dust-covered face. I know that is why older men carry a towel with them, but with my upbringing, I can't imagine carrying a sweaty towel with me around town.

I watch two women at the adjacent fruit market. They are picking out vegetable for dinner. The only thing I know about the vegetable is the color – it is green. In fact, every inch of the stall is covered by something green. Some have short and rounded leaves, others long and thin, but all have the same green color.

They say green is good for your eyes and it calms your nerves. Not mine, I can tell you. My impatience grows every minute I watch the indecisive women. I don't understand what takes them so long to decide. Every bundle of those leaves looks exactly like the other. Green.

I look over the sea of black-haired heads and search for Jasper. Finding him at the exact spot I left him fifteen minutes ago, I sigh. He seems to have the same problem with making the right decision. I don't care if his situation is worse, because the fish don't actually look all the same. It is the smell that I don't like. I slowly take a deep breath. Yep, it is there, even though I am intentionally standing pretty far from the stall. I shift my weight and hear a weird squishing sound. Looking down, I realize I am standing in a pool of water that oozes out from those big blue round tubs that are full of water and fish.

I take a deep breath again, wishing I was somewhere else. Possibly Seattle. I wonder why fish at the Seattle market didn't have that unpleasant smell. It couldn't be because of Logan, could it? I shut my eyes tightly, trying to shake away the images that are threatening to push me over the edge. Every day, I move a bit further from the edge, although resisting the urge to give up and fall into the darkness of feeling nothing is as hard today as it was the day he left.

The sunshine is strong, even though the sun is behind the mist that lingers above the town from the wee hours of the morning till late night. It is said to be better around noon; I don't know it myself, as I never get to leave the office around noon. But now the traffic is heavy and the air smells funny. I know I will never forget that mixture of humidity, gasoline, the different smells of the little restaurants and food stalls. And fish.

I search the market for the women and find them at a stall that seems to sag under the weight of fruit. The little old lady that sells the fruit can be hardly seen behind the rows of apples, peaches and oranges. Each of them is carefully wrapped separately to prevent any damage. The stall even has a canvas canopy to protect the fruit from the sun. A part of it is bright red and the other part is yellow. I like the face of the old woman when she stands under the red patch much more.

I remember thinking that all Japanese people look exactly the same before I came to Japan. In fact, I thought all Asian people looked the same. I couldn't be more wrong. And their faces are not yellow either. I don't know where that cliché came from. They are not. At least when they are not standing under a yellow canopy.

I step out of the puddle, and catching Jasper's gaze, I gesture to him where I am about to go. I come closer to the stall, carefully, not wanting to knock anything down.

"Um, hachiya?" I ask hopefully. She eyes me quizzically and then says something in fast Japanese. I can only guess according to the intonation that she is asking me a question.

I gave up trying to learn Japanese the first week of our stay. There was an official interpreter at the office, and even though it was much more difficult to make myself understood outside the office, I simply gave up.

It was after I met Jasper that I learned more about how Japanese works. Jasper had already been living in Japan for six years, working as a journalist and language editor with the English version of the newspaper Asahi Shimbun. We met in a bar not far from our office, and after a month of going to bars and clubs, he invited me to move into his apartment. I knew he was interested in more than just playing chess, but I wasn't ready. I tried. Those several times we had sex felt more like a fight though. I just wasn't ready. To my surprise, Jasper didn't kick me out even after that, saying that he was sick of living alone for the past six years.

Jasper explained to me that the language differed drastically according to who speaks or to whom you speak, and given the amount of time I was scheduled to spend in the country, I gave up. I learned simple expressions like _arigato_ (thank you), _domo sumimasen_ (excuse me – which I used a lot in the always-crowded Tokyo streets). Jasper also taught me _ikura desu ka_, but when they actually told me how much I should pay, I didn't understand anyway.

Every time I used some of those words, people around me fell under the impression that I could actually _speak_ Japanese, and I found myself drowning in a fast flow of Japanese words. So I always ended up with _Nihongo o hanashimasen_ and gestures anyway.

I point at the rows of fruit and try again: "Hachiya?" I see a light of understanding in her eyes and watch her shake her head. I can't suppress a smile. She is so happy about the first success in our small talk that she seems to forget that I can't understand a word from her staccato.  
>I can only guess that she is explaining to me that it is too soon, that I will have to wait till autumn to try a fresh kaki. Jasper warned me when I first asked him about it, but I didn't want to give up so easily. He said when the air was cooler in autumn and the sky was bright blue, not hidden behind the mist, we could make a trip to find persimmon trees loaded down with fruit. Well, I won't be here in the autumn.<p>

I walk back to Jasper, hoping I will find him with a fish so we can leave for our apartment. Air-con will feel good and a shower even better.

Maybe I could stay in Japan till autumn. There is nothing for me in Seattle anyway. Not without Logan by my side.

The wind's picked up and slight breeze carries a smell of cinnamon and sandal, mixing together with the smell of fresh fruit. I visited the small temple near the fruit market just once. When I walked around the temple and entered the garden behind it, I could feel his hand in mine, I could see us sitting on the stone bench near the water's edge. There was an old maple tree planted behind the bench and a young weeping cherry just at the water's edge, its branches almost touching the still water of the pond. I watched Logan leaning toward me, his lips slightly brushing along mine. I shut my eyes and returned the kiss with urgency and need, feeling protected from the curious stares just by Logan's presence.

Maybe I won't stay in Japan till autumn after all. If I just cross the ocean… I can be at Sea-Tac in just ten hours taking a nonstop flight. Ten hours and I would knock on his door and beg him to change his mind. To forgive me for my selfishness, my impatience and eagerness. Just ten hours. We could even go to the Seattle Japanese Garden. We would find our own bench near a pond, and I would find my own happiness in his arms.

It is after midnight in Seattle. I imagine Logan in his bed – in our bed – lying on his stomach, his legs tangled in a blanket. I reach for a strand of his black hair, tucking it behind his ear. I will definitely not spend the autumn in Japan.

I stand in the middle of an aisle, wrapped yet again in my personal comforting bubble. Maybe I will call him and he will agree to meet me at the airport. I can almost hear him saying: "Edward? Are you okay?"

"Yes, I am now."

"Let's go home," he says.

I smile and nod. "Yeah."

I turn around to look at Logan, eager to take his hand and let him take me home.

The eyes I look in aren't Logan's though.

They are round, yellow and dead.

I guess Jasper has finally bought our dinner. He lowers his hand with the yellow-eyed fish down and smiles at me. "Let's go home, Edward."


	2. So Lost Without You

**Disclaimer**: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer

Many thanks to Project Team Beta for their awesome help.

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><p><strong>Chapter 2 – So Lost Without You<strong>

_Present time, 2011_

EPOV

I am not going to make it. There are too many people blocking my way and it is still too far away. I am late and I am not going to be there in time. The thing that I have been dreading most over the years is about to finally happen and there is nothing I can do to prevent it.

The day had started like any other day. I came to Sea-Tac from Forks in the wee hours of the morning. I could have arrived the day before, but we were talking Seattle here… there was no way I would willingly spend a night in Seattle. I had spent some of my most beautiful and happiest days (and nights) in this city, and yet there wasn't a corner here that didn't hold a bad memory for me. I had been relieved when I rented out my Seattle apartment four years ago and moved back to my parents' house. My father still worked at Forks' local hospital and he and Mom didn't mind my moving back into my old room. When the opportunity to move even farther opened up several weeks later, I happily packed my bags and accepted the new job in Japan.

"Excuse me, coming through… excuse me… I am sorry, ma'am."

I trip but I don't look back. The faster I get there, the sooner I will be out of here. As I pass another departures board, my feet slow down and gradually come to halt when I notice the sign announcing my flight – changing from _last call_ to _gate closed._

I drop my carry-on from my shoulder to the floor and fish my cell out of my pocket. I dial the number and listen to the distant ringing.

"Hi love," I sigh, "Me too, but I didn't make it. I've missed the flight by minutes."

I pick up the briefcase and head back to the Continental counter. "Yeah, I am on my way. I'll let you know the new number. I am sorry… You too." I couldn't have missed the disappointment in his voice, matching exactly my own.

"Hello, I am afraid I missed my flight. CO4180 to Singapore via Tokyo. Could you get me on the next available flight, please? Preferably today."

A girl behind the counter takes my air ticket, and with a "Yes Sir, I'll see what I can do," starts to look for a way to get me out of here. Her eyes are scanning the monitor screen and every time they stop, my heart picks up. It's just early afternoon. I understand that it's Sunday today, but there have to be a lot of seats available. Right?

"I am sorry, Sir."

_Wrong._

"All today's flights to Tokyo are fully booked, I am afraid. Would you like me try the tomorrow's schedule?"

_No._

"Yes, please."

I watch her long thin fingers flying above the keyboard again.

"May I recommend the same flight you just missed, Sir? It is scheduled for the same time tomorrow."

Twenty-four hours. No. Way.

"I have another vacancy, but it is in Economy class and you would have to change planes twice."

I may be desperate, but not that desperate. "I'll take the recommended flight. Thank you."

I drop my briefcase on the floor and lean against the hotel apartment door. Twenty. Four. Hours. I won't be home until Tuesday midnight.

Apparently, there is a holiday in Japan and that's why everything is booked out and why I have to spend a night in Seattle. I rub my face with the knuckles of my hands. A holiday. It is the middle of August. I put my hands slowly down from my face. It's August 14. The Obon holiday. I stare in front of me, lost in my memories.

The same, time four years ago. I worked at our Tokyo branch then. I had left the States shortly after Logan had said that our relationship was getting too serious for his liking. I returned to Seattle just once. And after I came back to Tokyo, I felt more dead than alive. I hardly ever left our apartment for any reason other than work.

We had just closed a partial deal and scheduled one week off, nine days including the previous weekend. Some of the guys decided to take the opportunity to travel around Japan; Emmett couldn't wait to get back to Seattle to his wife and he left the same night we got home from the office. I couldn't make myself want to go back to the States and I intended to stay. I was not sure why Jasper had asked his boss for a week off though. It couldn't have been because of me… I was literally no fun.

I was lying in my bed, refusing to get up and start another day. It was the middle of the afternoon, but I couldn't care less. I'd become very good at staring up at the ceiling. I watched a fly crossing the Illinois River and then heading for Springfield. I had named all the tiny cracks and almost invisible little spots on the ceiling and walls, trying to break the awful feeling of being lost, after being abandoned by the love of my life. There was St. Louis above the huge flat screen. And the Mississippi River ran from the ceiling down along the window.

The fly had already got to Springfield and seemed to be thinking over her next move. There was no rush, we both had more time than we could handle. I envied her the ignorance. The apartment was fully air-conditioned and there was only a small possibility that she would make it out of the building. She had made her fateful decision when she flew in through the automatic door on the first floor. It might have seemed like a brilliant idea at the beginning, but her life had changed in that moment and there was no way back. If I had known her story before, would I have made _my_ fateful decision? The one I regret more than anything else in my life? We both have been trapped in a situation we created by one simple voluntary act.

"Edward?" Jasper leaned against the doorframe, eyeing me with sadness I already got used to.

The fly was gone.

I propped myself up onto my elbows and growled: "Go away."

"Oh, I will. And you are coming with me."

I lay back down and closed my eyes. "Jasper, I don't want to. I really don't feel like doing anything."

He came closer and sat down on the bed next to me. He reached out for me, but after slight hesitation he put his hand back in his lap.

"Have you ever thought about suicide, Jasper?"

"Edward…"

"I mean it. I feel like I am on autopilot at the office, but when I come home I can't push those thoughts away. There are so many ways. All of them would make me feel better than this," I sighed. "I am making wrong decisions over and over. I should have never left Seattle. I should have stayed with him. We could have made it work." I turned my head and looked out of the window to the misty sky. "I shouldn't have gone back to Seattle either. Before that, there was hope. Now, there is nothing left," I added in a whisper and shut my eyes tightly, too late to stop the burning sensation. "I should have listened to you, Jasper. I am sorry." I felt his fingers running through my hair and opened my eyes. "I am sorry. I know how you feel, but he took my heart with him and left me with nothing to give you. I can't."

He stood up and walked around the bed. I felt the mattress shifting under his weight and felt his arm around my waist, his chest against my back.

"Sometimes, I feel like if I stay motionless long enough, I will slowly turn into ash. It's a very comforting picture actually. It soothes me." I felt Jasper's forehead pressed against my shoulder.

"Edward, please stop thinking like that."

"I can't help it, Jasper," I whispered. "I tried. I have to keep it together at work. But I am not strong enough to do it all the time. It's too hard. I can't think about anything else… Will you tell my parents to scatter my ashes if… if I do it?"

I heard Jasper groan and felt him pushing me onto my back to look me in the eyes. I decided to stare at Mississippi on the ceiling instead.

"Edward. Look at me."

I couldn't. I felt too ashamed about the confession I had just made.

He took my chin in his fingers and turned my head so that our eyes met. If it was true that your eyes are windows to your soul, he must have seen me crying for help. "Jasper, I don't know what to do," I said barely above a whisper. "I can't tell anyone. Not about Logan. Not about how I am feeling right now. My father, the company… I can't."

"You should seek professional help."

"I told you. I can't, I am not ready to come out… You won't do anything rash, will you? … Jasper?" I felt panic rising in my chest when I noticed determination in his eyes. "You are not thinking about letting my parents know, are you?"

"Edward, you don't have to mention Logan. We could say the job was simply too much, or living in a foreign country was too difficult for you, we could make it work. We will think it through. You need someone who knows what he is doing."

"Jasper, no," my voice started to break. "You can't do that. Promise me! I'd rather see the ground swallowing me up than go public with this. … Please?" I pulled his hands from his face. "Promise me, you won't do it."

His eyes were full of regret. "Edward, I don't know… I can't help you myself. If you are feeling like I am afraid you are feeling, it's way above our heads."

"I'll do anything you say. Just please keep it private. I am not ready. I don't want others to know. Please?" I knew I was begging, but I didn't care.

After what seemed like an eternity to me, he looked at me hopelessly and said: "I promise," and pulled me back to his chest.

"We can make it work," I whispered back more confidently than I felt. I wondered where the roles had reversed and at what point _I_ had started to soothe _him_.

Jasper stayed in my bed the whole night. I woke up with his arm still wrapped around my waist, like he was afraid I would sneak away into the night. Or turn into a pile of ash.

I entwined my fingers with his.

"Morning. Feeling better?"

"A bit," I admitted. "It helped sharing it with you." I turned around to face him. "Thanks for listening."

"Anytime, babe." He traced my cheek with the back of his fingers. "Will you promise me something? If you feel like talking about it, will you? I don't like how you keep it to yourself. It can't be good."

I sighed. "Are you sure? I doubt it was nice. Grown-up men shouldn't break down like that."

Jasper just scowled at me. "Edward, it is either me, or a professional." And then he added softly: "What are friends for?"

"I don't deserve your friendship, Jasper."

He softly brushed his lips against my cheek whispering: "Let me do the thinking."


	3. The First Feel of Kyoto

**Disclaimer**: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer

Many thanks to Project Team Beta for their awesome help.

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><p>AN:

Many pictures of Gion Hatanaka can be found on the web. If you are interested and want to see how the hotel Edward and Jasper stayed in looked like, you can try following links:

www. youtube. (c o m)/watch?v=puCp18614dU

www. flickr. (c o m)/ photos/archiver/5977510756/

www. flickr. (c o m)/ photos/miko-la/2749082163/in/set-72157606643038680/

pictures of Gion district in Kyoto:

www. japan-guide. (c o m)/ e/e3902. html

Pontocho alley near Kamogawa (Kamo river) where Edward and Jasper had dinner:

www. flickr. (c o m)/ photos/rockslide_photography/5811442638/

www. firstlightphoto. (n e t)/ imgpage24-14. htm

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><p><strong>Chapter 3 – The First Feel of Kyoto <strong>

_Present time, 2011_

EPOV

I walk to the closet, take off my jacket and loosen my tie. Not paying attention to the fact that the day is still young, I pour myself a glass of bourbon. God knows I will need it tonight. Staying in Seattle and thinking about the Obon holiday is a terrible combination. I really don't like to think about the depression I had been going through back then. I still fear that it will return one day, robbing me of the power to make my own decisions and to give the desired direction to my life. I wish I could erase that weakness from my memories. But it has always been there, in the back of my mind, threatening to come back and swallow me again. I down the shot, and even before I put the glass down, my mind wanders back again to the time four years ago.

**...**

2007

After an early breakfast, Jasper came up with his first therapy session. "The receptionist mentioned there was a holiday going on these days. I think we should check it out."

"Jasper, I really…"

"Edward, you promised to do anything, remember?"

I looked at him and groaned. He was dead serious. "Yes, Mom… Where are we going?"

"To Kyoto. Pack for a week."

"I…"

"Edward!"

"I'll be happy to go, Jasper."

"You will like it, I promise."

**…**

The car provided by Jasper's office picked us up in front of our hotel. I was glad we didn't have to use a train. People were everywhere. Jasper confirmed my thoughts, saying that all trains and busses to Kyoto had been booked out weeks in advance.

"Are you sure we will find a place to stay? The whole country has gone crazy. There won't be even a vacant chair to sleep in."

Jasper looked at me and grinned. "Don't worry. I've already taken care of that."

"You have? How?"

"I booked a hotel for us the second week after I met you," he said. And then he chuckled. "Pick up your jaw off the floor, Edward."

"You did what?"

"Edward, Obon is one of the two most important festivals in Japan, the other being the New Year. I have already seen it several times, but never in Kyoto. I know you will love it. You think I could let you miss it?"

I didn't understand. "And you knew I would go?"

"Honestly, we were supposed to go yesterday, but I don't mind. We have plenty of time."

I looked away. Two weeks after we had met; all I could remember from that time was my constantly changing mood, my harsh words and pushing him away. I tried, I really did. But it was too soon. And he was so emphatic that I sometimes felt sick of his understanding and care. And then I felt guilty for being a jerk. Our strange relationship was a rollercoaster of my outbursts of anger and my pity parties. I couldn't give him what he wanted from me then. Not so soon after Logan.

I leaned my head against the car window and stared out at the busy street. Even now I couldn't offer him anything else than my crappy mood. This trip was wrong on so many levels. I should've stayed in my bed. I wrapped my fingers around the door handle, feeling a sudden urge to get out.

"Hey…? Are you okay?" He reached out and squeezed my hand. He didn't pull away afterwards and I was glad, feeling the energy, which was pouring from his fingers, warm my skin and push my panic away. I cleared my throat, still focusing on the tires of a bus that was slowly driving in the next lane. "What is it called again?"

"Obon."

There was a hint of smile in the tone of his voice, and I averted my eyes from the bus. Jasper winked at me. Had he always had that sparkle in his eyes? And the way his hair caught the light… I curled my fingers in to a fist to fight the urge to touch it and brush it away from his face.

"Are you listening?"

I rubbed my knee where he just punched me. "What?"

"Okay, you jerk. I won't tell you anything. It'll be fun to watch you seeing it for yourself."

I searched for that sparkle again, and I smiled; my first genuine smile in weeks. It felt good.

**…**

After about an hour and a half drive we got out of the car in front of a complex of old looking one and two storey buildings. I eyed the only sign in English I could find – Welcome to Gion Hatanaka. Not a word about a hotel. Clearly, we were about to step in a private house. Or not? I grabbed Jasper's elbow to stop him. "Are you sure, the driver got it right?"

"More than sure. Come on, you'll be surprised," he said.

I took a deep breath. "I am afraid, I already am."

Jasper just chuckled and led me up the flight of old-looking narrow stone stairs. I was surprised to see Jasper taking off his shoes before entering the hotel lobby and gesturing to me to do the same. We put traditional slippers on, and I felt immediately weird and out of place.

Once inside the spacious entrance, we were greeted by a lady in traditional Japanese dress. The only things I understood from the conversation that developed between Jasper and the lady were our names. And bows. Which I mimicked repeatedly. A young girl led us to our room then. We had to take off our slippers, and we entered the main room in our socks. The maid showed Jasper around the apartment, and all I could do was to follow them with my gaze. My brain and legs refused to cooperate. On her way out the girl kneeled down next to the door and bowed again. Then she shut the sliding door and was gone.

"Edward? Is everything all right? Don't you like it? You haven't said a word."

"No. I mean, yes. I think… I need to get my bearings."

Jasper sighed and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "Edward, this is a traditional ryokan. You should get used to being pampered."

"Jasper, I think… I need a minute," I stuttered out. I removed his arm from my shoulder, and when the door of the bathroom shut behind me, I leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor. This was wrong. Jasper invested his hope, his time and faith, not to mention load of money in me. _Me_. Someone who, by no means, deserved any of it. For a start, I didn't reciprocate his feelings the way he deserved. And I was only a burden to him lately.

My eyes started to burn. A burden. A worthless burden. And Jasper didn't seem to get it. He shouldn't have been here with me. He should have invited someone who would love him and fill his life with constant happiness. And instead of that, he wanted to spend this week, the week he apparently considered to be really special, with a burden like me.

I pulled my legs to my chest and rested my forehead on my knees. Tears that I had been fighting away brimmed from my eyes when I lowered my head, and I muffled my sobs by a sleeve of my shirt. This was just wrong.

A soft knock at the door confirmed my thoughts. Jasper was checking on me. I probably made him worried, even though I didn't deserve his attention and care.

"Edward? Jesus, Edward, what's happened? What's wrong?"

_Everything._

"Nothing."

I pulled myself up from the floor, and avoiding looking into a mirror, I splashed cold water on my face. "Jasper, I am sorry. I am a mess. You should have let me stay in Tokyo, and you should enjoy your week. You shouldn't have invited me." I buried my face in the small towel.

Jasper sighed, and when I dared to look at him, he motioned to me to sit down next to him on the floor.

"Edward, I haven't told you yet. I know a bit about what you are going through." He rubbed his face with the heels of his palms. "One of my distant relatives behaved in a similar way. When she didn't take her pills, she was worse than you actually. Don't feel bad, and let me decide who I am going to spend this week with." He smirked at me. "Unlike you, I am fully capable of making that decision. Come on, change your shirt. The maid will be here in a few minutes to serve our tea, and then we can go look around. We are in a beautiful part of the city."

I hung my head, nodded and followed him to the main room. Then it hit me. "Jasper? … Is it usual in Japan that there are no beds in a hotel room?" I asked, tentatively looking around, carefully avoiding looking at him.

"Hmm, do you think I would invite you to a hotel with no beds?" There was that smile in his voice again. "This is a ryokan. The maid will lay out futons in the evening."

"Futons, huh?"

"Yep. You'll see."

"And a bathtub? Or a shower?"

"Come, take a look." He led me back to the bathroom. There was one room with a sink and bathroom vanity that we left just a minute ago. There was another door leading to a Western-style toilet on our right and a door to a bathing room on our left.

"Why would they put slippers in there?" I stared at the slippers in the room with a toilet.

"You don't wear any shoes in the living area; these are to be used just in that tiny room and nowhere else. It's a big no-no to come to the main room with these slippers on."

"Great." I let my gaze wander around the bathroom. I had never seen a bathroom like this before. It looked more like a private spa. There were three small rooms actually. I really liked all the details, like different types of flooring - tatami, tiling, wood, doors made from wood and paper panels, or lanterns instead of ceiling glass lights. The bathing room was small, but nice.

"The tub is pretty deep. And a shower?" I asked.

Jasper grinned at me and picked up a small wooden bucket from the floor.

"You are kidding."

"No, it'll be fun. Something to get used to, I am sure, but we will manage. The walls are waterproof. You sit down here on the stool and clean up, and only after then you get in the bathtub to relax."

I looked around. The walls were covered by wooden planks and anthracite marble.

"There is also a public bath in the hotel. It's a large room with one wall made of glass, facing a small private garden. There are showers like this, with stools and buckets and large soaking area. Bathing suits are not allowed. We can try that one too."

I looked at him incredulously.

"The bath _is_ used by men and women, but at different hours," he added.

I still wasn't attracted to this idea. The truth was everything was new to me. I had been in Japan for more than three months, but I was always buried in work. And when I finally got home in late afternoon, I kept myself preoccupied again to forget about Logan. We bought food at the local market and ate in restaurants, but I never took time to study old Japanese traditions. I had a feeling that was about to change.

**…**

Jasper was right; our hotel was in a nice and picturesque part of the city. Once we entered the Gion district, it seemed as if we stepped in fairy-tale land and moved several centuries back in time. All the houses were low; built in a traditional way. Streets were mostly paved, some of them very narrow.

Many times during our stroll we heard a clatter of wooden okobo, followed by appearance of beautiful geisha. Their faces were covered by a white makeup, their bodies by long silky kimonos with obi.

I remembered Jasper mentioning that he would enjoy watching me experience Japan practically for the first time. Well, it was my turn now. Jasper seemed to be fascinated by geisha. Every time we met one, he eyed her from the moment she appeared in the distance, and he explained historical roots of their makeup, hairstyle, dress and their role in historical and modern society. It felt like walking around with my personal tour guide.

He knew why some of them had their makeup just black and white, while the apprentice geisha – maiko – had their eyes highlighted by red color. He pointed out the differences in their lips makeup; something I would have never noticed myself. What I did notice and what scared the shit out of me was meeting a girl whose teeth were black. Jasper said that it was for the teeth to optically disappear, but I found that hard to believe. I mean who wouldn't notice black teeth?

I also noticed that not every geisha was accompanied by a clatter sound. Jasper tried to remember the reason and came up with explanation that the weather was nice that day and because of that only maiko were wearing their wooden okobo. If the weather was bad, the rest of the geisha would change their zori for wooden geta. Sometimes I thought that Jasper was making the answers up as he spoke.

Their hairstyles were extravagant, but I had to admit I liked it more than the neon hair colors of some Japanese teenagers. All geisha had their hair pulled up and decorated with combs and pins.

"How long do you think they style their hair in the morning?" I asked.

"Actually they don't style it every morning. They do that about once or twice a week. They sleep on a special pillow, and they can't move during sleep so that their hair remains perfect." Jasper said.

"You are kidding."

"I am serious. I wouldn't make fun of them. I really am taken aback by their history and their traditions." Jasper suddenly ran his fingers through my wind-blown hair. "But I dare you to try that style yourself!"

I laughed and missed his touch the moment he pulled away.

We wandered along vendors selling souvenirs to tourists. Several bystanders were watching an old man carving little wooden pegs.

"What is he working on?"

Jasper looked up from his leaflet and came closer to look over my shoulder. "He is making a hanko. You must have seen them already. They are widely used in Japan. Do you want to have one?"

"I can? What are they?" Was it possible that I'd never paid attention to those little things?

"Hanko is a signature seal. They had been used by high authorities in ancient times. It wasn't until seventeen century when common people started to use them to sign official documents. They are still widely used these days. Round ones are for individuals and square ones for organizations."

"So you have your name on it?" I asked.

"Yeah, your last name to be precise."

We watched the old man carefully working on a seal, his fingers stained by the red ink, his lined face full of concentration.

"What did you want to be when you were little, Jasper?" I asked, wondering what the old man's dream used to be.

"A garbage man."

I forgot about the seal and turned around.

"I used to like their huge trucks," he shrugged. "I also liked excavators. Where I could have been right now…" He laughed loud.

A twitch of amusement played at the corners of my lips. "I wanted to be a jester when I was four or five."

"And you laughed at my garbage man?" He nudged me in the ribs playfully. "Where did that came from?"

We started to walk away from the old man's stall.

"My parents had taken us to a marionette show one day. My sister was very little at that time. I think I was five. She was bouncing in her chair all the time and even ran toward the stage twice to have a better place to watch the stage from." I was lost in pleasant memories for a while. "Life used to be so easy when we were little. I was excited to see that a jester could say anything he wanted, no matter how true or cheeky it sounded. So I went to Dad after the show and proudly announced that I wanted to be a jester when I grew up." I bet Jasper tried to picture the face of my dad in his mind.

"What did he say?" He chuckled.

We came to a narrow stream and stepped onto an old wooden bridge.

"Well, he always wants details. So he asked me why." I rested my elbows on the wooden banister and looked in the distance, not really seeing the roofs of houses along the stream. "I told him that I liked what the jester was allowed to say. And that I wanted to wear his colorful cap with jingle bells."

Jasper registered the shift in my mood and leaned closer to me, watching me carefully from the side. "And?" He prompted after a while.

"I got the cap for my birthday a month later." I knew that was not what Jasper had asked about. I sighed and watched the muddy stream bellow our feet. "And my dad told me… that even without a jester cap on, I should always seek the truth, say it aloud and step forward to defend what I think is right." I hid my face behind the palms of my hands. I had always been taught _the Cullen code_. And here I was twenty years later, shut in my closet, afraid to talk to my father about the elementary and most important things in my life; full of fear of disappointing him. I craved to be that little boy again; full of faith that the truth should be spoken all the time.

I felt Jasper lightly wrapping his right arm around my waist, like he was afraid if he put a full weight in his move, I would run away. I knew I didn't feel like running anywhere. I leaned toward his shoulder and we watched how the sun going down behind our backs was coloring houses along the stream to shades of amber, coral and red.

"Do you sometimes think about coming out?" I pushed a little pebble by a tip of my shoe and watched it balancing on the edge of the bridge. When it seemed that it would make it and would stay on the bridge, I pushed harder and watched it falling down toward the muddy water flowing lazily bellow. It didn't make any splash and fell under the surface. The stream looked as if it had never happened.

Jasper watched my action with a somber mood. "No. There is always enough time to tell my father. I know he would never take it right." He pushed himself away from the banister. "Come on. Let's have dinner."

And then he added playfully, "You know, if I had been a garbage man and you a jester, we would have probably never met."

"You could have taken your kids to my marionette show."

"Very funny, Edward."

**…**

Jasper took me to Pontocho alley to have dinner. We were seated on a highly elevated wooden patio facing the river. There were lanterns, hanging from poles at the sides of the verandah, illuminating the space and creating a mood of ancient times. We watched the Kamogawa silently flowing below and people wandering along the wide promenade that followed the river's edge.

Jasper humored me and ordered teriyaki for both of us, because I insisted that I didn't want my food watching me or crawling away from my plate. The truth was I didn't want anything that would remind me of Hawaii.

The sun went down several moments ago, and the colors of the world started to change to brown and indigo shades. We sipped hot sake from small porcelain cups, silently enjoying the evening. It wasn't as quiet as I would have expected. We listened to a lonely cicada and to the chirping of a flock of little birds that occupied the bank just bellow our verandah. Two little kids were throwing stones into the river, squealing loudly every time the stone made a big splash.

I was sitting sideways at the table with my legs stretched out in front of me, hands in my pockets. A slight breeze picked up, still warm from the sunny day. I closed my eyes and let the wind caress my face.

Being temporarily robbed of one sense, the others sharpened, and I listened to the life of the city and tried to identify all the smells the wind was bringing to me; different kinds of tobacco from men at the nearby table, different meals, and strong smell of the river. It wasn't the smell of a sea I used to love, but I enjoyed the water in the air anyway.

When my mind wandered briefly to the sea and then to Hawaii, I felt a sharp pain going through my chest, and I think I even pulled my hand out of my pocket to rub the place where my heart used to be. I bit my lip and shook my head slightly, pushing the breakdown willingly away.

Images of Logan and me at our hotel apartment, our evening talks on a beach, echo of his words when he was telling me he loved me and that our love was forever… all of them kept coming back, and I could see them in no particular order, flying in front of my shut eyes.

I pulled my other hand out of my pocket and rested my elbows on my knees with my face on my palms and unwillingly started to rock back and forth. I took a deep breath and was desperately looking for different images.

Something, anything to keep my shattered soul together.

I rocked and frantically searched my memory… a garbage man… I felt the corners of my lips turning up… Yes, that's it… Jasper in his best suit in a garbage truck… deep breath again… fine, another silly memory… hurry, Edward… mmm Jasper at the local market, looking for the right fish and driving me and the vendor crazy with his indecision… deep breath… another… butterflies… yes, that's it… I even started to grin. At the beginning of our friendship with Jasper, Emmett, my colleague, wanted to visit a butterfly garden. He found one an hour drive from Tokyo, and we decided to try local transport and see the landscape outside our city. Once in the town, we took a cab and let Jasper do the talking. He started confidently, and then he stopped. We didn't suspect anything was wrong, until we noticed the look on cab driver's face. I looked back at Jasper, and he blurted, "I can't remember what's the word for a fucking butterfly!" We all burst out laughing, but naturally, we had no idea either. So, Jasper decided to actually _show_ the driver how butterflies flew…. yes… I grinned like a fool. Another funny thing about this story was that although a butterfly is _cho_, a butterfly garden in Japanese is almost exactly pronounced _butterfly garden_, because it has been simply borrowed from English.

… yes… With my eyes still closed, I slowly leaned back in the chair, shoved my hands in the pockets again and for a hundredth time took a deep breath. I did it. I made it out of that black hole that threatened to swallow me. The staff of the restaurant probably brought another meal to a nearby table, and the wind brought its smell together with a distant traditional Japanese music. I did it.

"Beautiful." I heard Jasper whispering. I didn't know what Jasper referred to, but the corners of my lips turned up, and I nodded. "Yeah, it is."

**…**

I was able to appreciate the beauty of the place even more when we left the restaurant after dark. The alley on the other side of the restaurant, the one not facing the river, was narrow and winding, illuminated by lanterns and shop signs. We were passing teahouses, restaurants, bars and clubs. Jasper wrapped his arm around my shoulder and leaned closer to whisper in my ear. "Did you know that this place had been once known as a gay district?"

I turned my head, our faces almost touching, and seeing his mischievous grin, I smiled. "You've just made that up!"

Jasper pulled away a bit, still resting his right hand on my right shoulder. "I didn't. But it is true that the name refers only to gaiety and fun."

We walked back to our hotel. The old streets of Gion, illuminated mostly by lanterns, looked unreal.

Jasper stopped to look in a window of a lacquer shop, and I watched him for a while, enjoying the sparkle in his eye and his enthusiasm. I approached him from behind, wrapping my arms around him and resting my chin on his shoulder. "Thank you for bringing me here, Jasper. I can't believe how lost I felt only this morning. Thank you for not letting me stay in my bed in Tokyo." I kissed his cheek hesitantly and tightened my hug.

He entwined his fingers with mine that were resting on his chest. "I enjoyed the day too. Thanks for coming with me."

"You didn't give me much choice, you know?"

"You know what I mean."

I tightened my grip even more and sighed. "I know."

* * *

><p>AN: So, Jasper seems to believe that Edward is recovering from his depression. The poor man doesn't know what lies ahead. Everything could be good, if he didn't want to take Edward to the Golden Pavilion. He will have his hands full in the next chapter.


	4. Somewhere Over the Rainbow

**Disclaimer**: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer

Many thanks to the members of Project Team Beta for their awesome help.

* * *

><p>AN:

When I was writing the story, I suffered a bad depression myself. My reasons were different, but the feeling was the same. Just like Edward, I hope it will never come back. All those strange things that Edward sees, does and thinks about are unfortunately authentic.

A picture for the story:

The Golden Pavilion:

toptouristsites. (c o m) /wp-content/uploads/2010/10/Golden-Pavilion-2. jpg

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><p><strong>Chapter 4 – Somewhere Over the Rainbow <strong>

_2007_

EPOV

I was woken up by the sunshine coming through a large window. I had slept well even though I wasn't in a typical bed. The maid did come in the evening and prepared two separate places to sleep. Firstly, she pulled two padded mattresses from a closet and spread them, several feet apart, on the floor. Then she arranged pillows and light comforters on the futons, before asking Jasper something. When he answered, politely shaking his head, she walked out of the room, kneeled down, and closed the sliding door. I guess I wondered if I'd ever get used to Japanese etiquette.

I turned my head listening to my pillow rustling. I rubbed one corner of the pillow in my fingers guessing what the filling might be. Beans maybe? It felt funny but not uncomfortable.

I remembered geisha's special pillows and tried to make mine in a roll. When I put it under my neck, my head fell down onto the mattress. This couldn't be it, I was sure. I reached out for the shirt I had left on the floor next to my bed in the evening, and after debating with myself for a little while I rolled it in a small ball. I lay down again, letting the shirt-ball support my head – still terrible. I rose up again to try a different approach when I heard muffled chuckling from the other bed.

"Asshole." I laughed. "How do they sleep then, know-it-all?"

Jasper sat up on his futon with a grin. "You weren't that far off actually. They use a small cylindrical pillow like you did, only it is attached to the top of a small wooden stand so that your head is more elevated."

I eyed him suspiciously. "Have you actually tried what you're suggesting? I doubt it is possible to sleep for a whole night on something like that."

"Yeah, I doubt it too."

I got up from the floor and walked toward him. "On the other hand, if you did use it, your hair wouldn't be such a mess now!" I ruffled his bed-head and squealed when he pulled me down on his futon with force I hadn't anticipated.

"No kidding, Edward. I take it you haven't seen yourself in a mirror yet."

I grinned back and propped my head on one hand. "What did you have in mind for today?"

"It's a surprise."

"Should I be worried?"

Jasper just chuckled. "Not in the slightest."

It was still very early in the morning, but we got up anyway. We received a call from the front desk after a while, informing us that the breakfast would be ready shortly. Jasper was still shaving in the bathroom when I heard "Ohayo gozaimasu" from the outside of our room. I let the maid in and watched her put the bedding away. She left, returning a few moments later with our breakfast. She retrieved the small table she had moved the previous evening, placing it in the middle of the room. And then she covered it with a variety of small plates and cups, spoke to Jasper briefly and left.

"I'll never get used to the way they arrange meals in Japan." I sighed, looking at the work of art carefully arranged on the low table. We sat on cushions, trying not to knock anything down with our knees.

"So, my tour guide, what are we about to eat? Because there is no way I can recognize all of this."

"Humor me and try."

"This is a fish." I pointed triumphantly to a fish that was lying on a mini grill, still with its tail and everything. "It's yours." I pushed the grill toward Jasper.

Jasper chuckled. "Fine, that's one point."

I grinned and thought, okay, two can play this game_._ "Yay! Go me! One out of a possible twenty. I see another point – a towel!" I chuckled and picked up a rolled hot damp towel. It felt wonderful to put it on my face.

"Do they serve coffee here?" I pointed hopefully to the thermos bottle. "Probably not," I murmured catching Jasper's gaze.

"So, tea, some soup…" I lifted a lid from a pot… "rice!"

"Jesus, five points! I didn't know you were that good!"

I scowled at him. "What is the rest?"

Jasper just smirked at me. "Let's eat, it's getting cold. Ask if you really want to know what you are eating."

"Right. That's exactly what I needed to hear." I started with a sip of tea and followed with soup. I eyed the rest of the stuff with a bowl of rice in my hand. "At least tell me what tastes sweet. I am in no mood for sweet rice right now."

Jasper pointed at one of the little bowls with his chopsticks. "This."

"You're enjoying yourself, aren't you?"

"You have no idea!"

One by one I tried almost everything on the table, only avoiding teeny little fish that were served whole. There were some pickles, another fish, sea weed, dumplings made from fish paste, tofu in brown sauce, and small slices of roast beef. Overall, the breakfast was one big adventure.

"Still longing for coffee?" Jasper asked.

"No, actually. I understand you can't have coffee together with fish and rice."

We left our room, put our shoes on at the entrance and descended the stairs leading back to the street.

A cab took us to the northern part of the city, and we walked a short distance to the main entrance. I still had no clue where we were headed. There were a lot of arrows and signs, but all of them were in Japanese.

The surprise that Jasper arranged took my breath away. My legs felt weak, and all I wanted was for my body to melt into a liquid, be absorbed by the earth and stay there buried forever. The worst part was that poor Jasper had no idea what was going through my mind; he couldn't have because I never warned him. So I tried to smile and stay upright, even though I felt like wrapping my arms around my stomach and kneeling on the ground with my face in the dust.

Jasper took me to a large garden with a golden pavilion positioned just above a large pond. I am sure it was beautiful, but all I saw was the tiny garden behind the temple near the fish market in Tokyo. Shivers still ran along my spine when I remembered how strongly I had felt Logan's presence in that garden. I remembered the hope and determination that led to my rash decision to return to Seattle.

I had avoided all gardens ever since. I was afraid of public humiliation, of tears and breaking down, but surprisingly, when Jasper unexpectedly and unintentionally confronted me with my nightmare, none of it happened.

All I felt was complete emotional numbness. I noticed that I was sitting on a bench, but I didn't remember how I got there. I noticed Jasper talked, probably playing tour guide, but I didn't recognize particular words.

I stared at the surface of the water, slightly dazzled by the wavy gold reflection and lost in my thoughts. I shouldn't have walked around the temple that day in Tokyo. I shouldn't have left the market. I shouldn't have decided to go to Seattle. I should have tried harder to find Logan when I got there.

I started to rock slightly, back and forth, as all of those shoulds and shouldn'ts kept attacking my mind. All those thoughts were coming faster and faster, and I rocked my torso almost unnoticeably, seeking comfort in that regular movement.

I should have come out years ago. I should have never met Logan. Never ever should I have fallen for him. I should have never left Seattle after he broke up with me. Better yet, I could have taken him with me. Maybe we could have made it work.

Why did I always make the wrong decisions? And there is no way I can fix it. If only I could melt and drop by drop trickle into the earth. I don't want a coffin. Maybe I can become part of the water cycle and find him one day in drops of rain. Somewhere over the rainbow. Yes, drops of rain and rainbows. How come I never noticed that? Melting would be better than turning into ash. _Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly, birds fly over the rainbow. Why then, oh why can't I?_ Logan, where are you? Where were you when I came back for you? I can't make it without you. I don't want to.

I registered movement in front of my face; I didn't care. If it hits me, fine, perhaps I won't feel anything. Perhaps I will break into tiny little pieces and disperse into the wind. And someday the wind will bring me back to him. Somewhere, we will meet and become one again. Somewhere. _Somewhere over the rainbow, where troubles melt like lemon drops…_ I want to melt too. And drop by drop trickle down to the earth.

I felt like I was on a merry-go-round. It was moving faster by each turn and I couldn't stop it or get off.

Do I want to get off? … I think I do; this feels a bit scary. I have been used to being in charge and deciding what to do, but I don't remember deciding on spinning on a merry-go-round. Maybe it was Jasper? Where is Jasper actually? I remember seeing him this morning. Something about fish? Yes this morning and that crazy breakfast… I never had so many fish for breakfast. Jasper was quite funny this morning. Thank God this spinning is slowing down. I feel light like a butterfly. Jasper is better with butterflies. That day in the cab, he was so funny… Great, somebody stopped that damn thing. I guess I'll be sick from that spinning.

The crazy whirl of thoughts gradually slowed down and then stopped. I felt somebody touching my face, but I didn't see or hear anybody. The touch was light. Like a touch of butterfly wings. "I want to be a butterfly. Jasper is good with butterflies."

"Jesus!"

"Where?"

"Edward, please come back to me! Can you even hear me?"

I was lying on the bench, and it was uncomfortable. When I finally managed to focus, I was looking into Jasper's terrified eyes.

He sighed. "Thank you, God! You're back!"

I felt his silky hair on my face and neck, his face buried in the crook of my neck, his lips mumbling something that I didn't understand. I was tired. My head felt tired from all that spinning. "Jasper?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you for stopping that carousel. I didn't like it."

I felt him lifting his head from my chest. "A carousel?"

"It felt like it. How come you always pull me back?"

He looked at me and slowly said, "Maybe it works, because you know I love you."

"I love you too. You are good with butterflies," I think I said and closed my eyes. I felt sleepy and tired.

"Edward, wake up!"

"Huh?"

"We are leaving. Right now. Get up!"

Surprisingly, I felt better when we got moving. Somehow, walking made my brain function better. Maybe I needed to keep myself preoccupied not to think about things that made my head spinning.

By the time we circled the pond on our way toward the exit, I felt almost normal.

"Where are we, Jasper? What is this place?"

He looked at me strangely. "It's the Golden Pavilion."

"Can we go closer?"

"You feel like it?"

"Jasper, I am fine. I was probably out for several minutes, but I am fine now."

"The longest minutes of my life," he mumbled, but he headed to the pavilion anyway.

**…**

_2011_

I take my third glass of bourbon to the hotel bathroom and start a shower. I hate the man I was back then in the Golden Pavilion. No, hate is not the right word. I try to think about a better way to say it. After the two previous glasses thinking is a bit difficult, but I get it after all – that man actually scares me. He wasn't in charge; he was powerless and easily manipulated. Everything I don't like and fear. I let water run down my face and lean against cold tiles.

Jasper was pretty sure it was not good. I remember how sure he was that I should see a shrink. When I look back now, I know he was right.

**...**

_2007_

"I still think we should go back to Seattle." It was the third time Jasper said it.

I was lying on my futon, staring at the ceiling, and desperately missing the Illinois River.

"Jasper, I am fine."

"You keep saying that."

"Because it's the truth."

"Edward, maybe it's me who is not fine."

I turned my head to look at him. "What do you mean?"

He was sitting in a low armchair by the large window, staring out to our little private garden. "You didn't see yourself, Edward. Your eyes were like… You scared the shit out of me. … This won't go away. I am afraid it will only get worse and, one day, I won't be able to pull you back. You need professional help. I can't do that for you. I'll go with you. I can explain it to Emmett if you want me to. Edward, please?"

I shouldn't have come to Kyoto. I shouldn't have pulled Jasper into this mess.

"You don't understand." I raised my hand to silence his immediate protest. "You don't know how hard it is to say it aloud. It was hard to tell _you_ everything. And I should tell it to some shrink? It would be like … like admitting that I can't handle my own problems. Jasper, I always do. I was trained to handle everything they threw at me." I sat up. "I know how it must sound to you. But I am not sure if saying it aloud wouldn't be harder than experiencing those ups and downs. I bet it would be more humiliating, though."

I was watching my fingers mindlessly playing with a hem of the futon. "I have been thinking a lot about how it works." I noticed that Jasper averted his eyes from the garden and shifted his body to look at me. "It's like there is a switch or something in my brain. Everything is perfectly normal, but then something happens – I see or hear something, or I have simply too much time to think, and it is like someone opens the floodgate. It actually feels like I am being pulled under." I grimaced. "That carousel thing was kind of new."

"So…" Jasper came to sit down next to me. "We know how it works."

I nodded. "Maybe if you can keep me busy, I won't have time to think too much."

I thought Jasper would wrap his arm around me to comfort me, but it didn't happen. I was afraid I had pushed him too far.

"Jasper? I am sorry about today. I think I said some crazy things to you, but I don't remember what they were. I haven't offended you, have I?"

He eyed me warily and slowly licked his lips. "No," he sighed after a while, "you haven't."

"Did you see it coming? The breakdown, I mean? Did you know it would happen? Why did it happen actually?" He asked after a bit of awkward silence.

I told him about the temple in Tokyo, about the garden and that I made up my mind to return for Logan that day.

"Edward, I never knew. You should have told me."

Yes, another 'should have' to add more to the weight that is already on my shoulders. Will I ever do something right? I thought, but instead I said, "I knew it was coming. I didn't know how strong it would be, but I knew."

"You usually stare at nothing particular and sometimes you slightly rock your body, don't you?" he asked quietly.

He surprised me with his question. "I guess I do. I never knew it showed, though."

"So, if I catch you staring into nothingness, I shouldn't wait to see what happens next, and I should bring you around. I'll have to think about a way."

It was all-business Jasper. He took the initiative, never taking a sidestep. He was talking to himself, never waiting for my response.

"You will have to work on it yourself too, you know that, right? It's not like I can be attached to your hip 24/7."

I could only nod. The humiliation from the fact that he was debating with himself how to babysit me was enormous. I should have never come to Kyoto. He would have been much happier without me. I should have stayed in my bed in our apartment. I wonder if the fly is still there…

"Edward, stay with me! You are doing it again!"

"I am sorry, I didn't mean to."

"Talk to me. Say something. Anything. Tell me some of your happy memories that don't include him."

Do I have any? "Will a silly memory do?"

"Sure, silly is good." Jasper drew his futon closer to mine, lay down and watched me expectantly.

"Okay, it was Christmas time. I was eight, and my sister wanted to bake Christmas sweets for all her dolls, our old cat, and Max, our little Labrador puppy. And she insisted on making plenty of them so that there would be enough for us too…." I started talking while staring at the pattern of my futon, but as I went on I looked into Jasper's eyes and enjoyed his amusement.

"… Mom kept finding them in her snow covered flowerbeds for the next several days." I ended the little story with a grin. "Thanks, Jasper."

I moved closer. He was avoiding all forms of intimacy the whole evening and my body craved his touch. I felt lost and lonely even though he was just two feet away. I moved a bit more, watching him carefully for any sign of discomfort. It never came. I sighed in relief when our bodies touched. He rested his chin on the top of my head, silently wrapping his arm around me. The last thing that was on my mind before I drifted off to sleep was that if I could stay in his embrace forever, we would find a way to make things right.

* * *

><p>AN: The next chapter, Saying Good-bye, will be posted soon. Thank you very much for reading and reviewing.


	5. Saying Goodbye

**Disclaimer**: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer

Many thanks to the members of Project Team Beta for their awesome help.

* * *

><p>AN:

I would like to thank very much all of you who have put the story on alert and/or written a review. It means a lot to me. Thank you.

Some pictures for this chapter:

The map of Tenju-an Garden:

www. flickr. (c o m)/photos/pixelaine/1358278123/

The garden:

kyotogardens. files. wordpress. (c o m)/2009/03/grace-1208-019. jpg

phototravels. (n e t)/kyoto/zen-gardens-tenju-an. html

www. flickr. (c o m)/photos/e_mma/2813430191/in/photostream/

The pavilion mentioned in the story:

www. flickr. (c o m)/photos/africadunc/3788498430/

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><p><strong>Chapter 5 – Saying Good-bye <strong>

_2007_

EPOV

"Time to get up, sleepyhead!"

I was not in the mood. "Go away." My arm was still resting on his pillow, and I wasn't attracted to his super crazy idea at all. Doesn't a holiday mean anything to him? It's not even seven yet.

"Five minutes…" I mumbled trying to go back to my dream.

Jasper just chuckled. "I already gave you ten."

The ground under my arm moved, and the warm pillow was suddenly out of my reach. Jasper took the hem of his futon and dragged it back to its former place several feet from mine.

I scowled at him. "Why did you just do that?"

"I'm not sure about the reaction of the maid if she saw the futons pushed together; she laid them out separately last night. Nobody would throw it in our faces or kick us out of the hotel, but being gay around here might be a touchy subject, and we don't want to embarrass or offend anybody."

He sat down on the futon and scratched his unshaven face with the back of his fingers. "Japanese people are very guarded and don't openly show affection to other people. Have you seen any couple kissing on a street?"

I frowned. "No, but I wasn't exactly in the mood for looking, you know."

"Well, even if you were, you would see just some teenagers, and I doubt gay teenagers would be among them. There are some gay clubs in large cities, but many of them don't allow passers-by to enter. You have to be a member or know a member to be allowed in. People are simply not used to the idea. That's the reason I've never held your hand in public. I don't know if the reaction of the other people would be just tense giggling and whispering or openly hostile."

"But you did find those clubs in Tokyo, remember?"

"Yeah, Tokyo is more open-minded. And you, man, you know how to dance! There are two gay clubs not far from here by the way. No dancing though."

I almost didn't see the pillow coming. I caught it just before it hit my face, then placed it in my lap and rested my elbows on it. "I never knew that it was like this here. It must be difficult for gays to live in this country."

"Is it easy for you in Seattle?"

"I am hardly out. That's different."

Jasper sighed. "No, it's not. The paradox is that until the meiji era, gay sex had been very common, especially among samurai. Public baths, orgies — people simply weren't homophobic. However, when the meiji brought in missionaries, such acts were pushed underground. Are you going to get dressed? If the maid sees you like this, I'll be jealous, you know." He smirked at me.

"You will?"

"Shut up."

"I want to hear the rest."

"There isn't much more to tell. You most likely won't see any gay movies on TV. On the other hand, some types of Japanese _manga_ comics are _very_ open. You can even end up in jail in the US for having them at home because some of them depict pedophilia or incest. Then there are gay cartoons and also _yaoi_ written by straight women. So teenagers— "

"Wait," I said, interrupting him. "What did you just say?" He couldn't be serious.

Jasper grinned. "You heard me. _Yaoi_ are gay stories written by straight women."

"Is that a joke? Why would they do that?"

"Like I know? To ease your mind, there are also stories written by men for men." He grinned again, and I was stunned. This was the first time I saw him blushing.

"Have you ever— "

"Like I said," he briskly interrupted my question, "if you are willing to do some active research, you'll find what you are looking for. But otherwise people are not eager to discuss sexuality. Several of my Japanese friends didn't discover their true orientation until their late twenties. Mostly they didn't know there was any alternative to being straight so they had girlfriends or had none, but no gay friends, never kissed a guy."

I didn't know what to say. I imagined living with some of the girls I'd met over the years, making us both feel miserable, or living with no friends at all. This wasn't a completely new concept for me, truth to be told, but this was different. I'd never felt bad about not being interested in girls. I'd never thought there was something wrong with me. I hadn't had any doubts.

I was still lost in my thoughts when Jasper answered the phone from the front desk, announcing that our breakfast was ready to be served.

**…**

I was mindlessly pushing the rest of rice in my bowl back and forth with my chopsticks when Jasper carefully asked, "Edward, I've learned my lesson, so no more surprises. Is there something you'd like to do or see today? Or something you don't feel like doing?"

I sighed. "Is there some event that only takes place today?"

Jasper seemed to be mentally leafing through pages of his guidebook. "No, you can pick anything you want."

"Can I have a wish that a five year old would have?"

He grinned back at me. "Edward, just to spare you any disappointment I have no idea if there is a train museum where you can go and play train driver in Kyoto, but I'll be happy to take you to a toyshop."

"Really? You are such a sweetheart." I smiled at him, and without another word I poured myself another cup of green tea, noticing that Jasper stopped eating. When I was sure I wouldn't burst out laughing, I raised my eyes and asked innocently, "What would you like to do afterwards?"

The look on his face was priceless, and I knew I couldn't hold back any longer. The corners of my lips started to twitch, and he cracked up.

We laughed like fools. The tension of yesterday dissipated, and I felt lighthearted again.

"Jasper, I do have a wish, and it is kind of silly," I said after a while. "I would like to see some koi."

"Whoa, never say that koi are silly if you want to make it out of Japan alive. These are no goldfish. They take koi very seriously around here, you know?"

Then he frowned. "Do you realize that koi are often kept in a pond and that ponds are usually surrounded by gardens?"

I was reasonable enough to consider his words carefully. "I'd like to try. If it doesn't go well, we'll leave. Would that be okay with you?"

I thought that Jasper would be worried, but his face was lit up by a broad smile.

"I know just the place!" he said. "You won't even think about a toyshop."

**…**

Jasper said we were going to visit Tenju-an Garden.

I was looking forward to it. Yesterday's Golden Pavilion had been beautiful, and I was able to appreciate it when I finally came to my senses. The pavilion extended partially over the pond, and that was why it was reflected so nicely in the water. Two upper balconies were covered by gold leaves. Jasper told me it had been built in the fourteenth century as a villa for shogun, and then converted into a Zen temple. I was in awe at the pristine state the pavilion was in, considering its age. Jasper unfortunately spoiled my enthusiasm, saying that the temple was completely rebuilt in the twentieth century.

It was half past eight when we got out of a cab in front of the entrance to the garden; the area seemed to be deserted.

Jasper beamed with happiness. "Come, this temple is usually abandoned by tourists, because there are many other bigger temples around. We'll have the garden just for ourselves."

He had that spark in his eyes when he grabbed my hand, and I found his enthusiasm to be highly contagious.

"Ready?" he asked.

I just nodded and tentatively entered through a small gate.

I was pleasantly surprised at the sight. There was no garden at all in front of me.

We were greeted by the sight of two large buildings with their short sides facing us, one on our right and one on our left. They were built very close to each other and were connected by a short roof-covered walkway. There were also some smaller houses adjacent to the right building too.

When I looked around, I noticed that the building on the left was facing a garden. I had never seen a garden like this. I mean, I knew they existed, but seeing it with my own eyes surpassed all my expectations. Suddenly, I felt like a kid in a candy shop. "Jasper, come, you have to see this." I dragged him from a map where he was probably looking for my koi pond.

We walked around the building, took our shoes off, and sat down on a slightly elevated wooden verandah. The silent Zen rock garden in front of us looked magnificent.

"You never mentioned this." I sighed. "It's so beautiful. So peaceful." I leaned over to him and squeezed his hand. "I love it."

The garden was enclosed with a white wall. Just in front of the wall there was a strip of 'a moss land' with large rocks partly covered by moss, dwarf conifers, about seven feet tall pine tree with twisted branches, and a large maple tree about the same height. A vast sea of gravel was sprawled between 'the land' and the verandah. I forgot to breathe.

The contrast of the white wall and green conifers, and the contrast of colorful trees and moss and gray gravel were simply breathtaking.

I was willing to move only after Jasper's assurance that there would be more. We put our shoes back on and walked around and discovered that the sea of gravel ran along the whole complex. 'The land' in front of the wall was sometimes missing while the other time it stretched wide to accommodate large trees. There were also stones in the gravel sea imitating islands.

We were walking around the garden, and I caught myself longing for the feeling of Jasper's hand in mine. The closeness would be nice. I thought about what Jasper had told me that morning.

Do I want to hold his hand because I simply want to, or because I know I shouldn't do it in public? No, I thought. Public or not, I want to. I am sure. It's been months, and I miss the physical contact. Maybe we can go back to what we'd had in those first days after I'd met him.

I held my breath for a second when those days flashed through my mind. The passion. Those fights. My finger prints on his wrists in the morning. His look that seared to my soul. His sympathy that I hated.

No, I don't want those disturbing looks of his. No complicated relationship. Would he agree just to sex? Maybe we could…

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't notice I had left Jasper slightly behind, absorbed in reading his guidebook, and I didn't pay attention to where I was heading until it was too late.

A lump started to grow in my throat when I came closer to a narrow stream and noticed a weeping cherry looking at its own reflection on the still water surface.

"Logan, not now," I mumbled and closed my eyes tightly, cringing at the way the images of Logan, the Tokyo garden with those damn weeping cherry trees, and my foolish search in Seattle mercilessly blended into my mind-blowing dirty fantasies.

I don't want to go to Seattle anymore, I thought. I shouldn't have gone there. You weren't there, Logan. I turned every damn stone upside down in that city, and you simply disappeared! I never found you. I tried, but you weren't there. I looked for you at your apartment; I spoke to your friends. I never found you. I don't want to feel this way anymore, let me go. It's time to say bye. I don't want to go back to Seattle, I should have never gone back, I should have never… Maybe this is why I can't have a relationship. I always make wrong decisions. I am a burden. Nobody can stand me. Not Logan, not Jasper. Jasper?

I took a step backwards and scrabbled around for Jasper to let him know that I needed his help. When I found him right next to me, I grasped his hand and squeezed. Really tight.

"Twenty-seven!" he shouted so loudly that the two girls behind us turned around, clearly deciding not to look for the pond around here. I dropped his hand like it was on fire and stared ahead. I was so surprised by his reaction that I forgot why I had grasped his hand in the first place.

Twenty-seven of what? I looked at the path ahead searching for anything that could be counted. Twenty-seven? Twenty-seven days till he leaves me, because he's already sick of my bad mood? He hasn't said another word yet. Is he mad?

I looked sideways at him but I couldn't find anything unusual, he was just walking, watching something on my right. I followed his gaze and found a little girl sitting on a bench, eating a melting ice cream.

Twenty-seven ice cream stains on her dress? No, there are not so many of them.

I don't want to ask, because if he actually didn't say anything, I would look like a fool. Or crazy. I hope _he_ didn't go crazy. Shouting numbers without warning… "Are you sure?"

"Definitely."

So he _had_ said it. My brain was working over time. Maybe he has been around me too much? Or was it just one of his tricks? Whatever it was it certainly got me thinking.

My inner mental babbling was suddenly interrupted by an older Japanese couple. They approached us, and — after a brief conversation — they handed Jasper their camera so that he could take their picture together.

I eyed them with a smile; they looked so beautiful together. I couldn't say how old they were; I was never good at this, but the joy from each other's presence was written all over their faces and was obvious from their smiles and their pose.

Where would I be at their age? Would my friendship with Jasper still last? Would I be able to have a romantic relationship with him after all?

I pictured him in his eighties, sitting on a verandah of our home, looking at our Japanese style garden. What would we talk about in our eighties? I imagined how our conversation might go.

"Where did you put my glasses again?" he shouts, and I hobble to the verandah.

"Jasper you forgot your plaid, you'll get cold. It's November, for Christ's sake!"

"I don't care about your plaid. I want to know where you've put my glasses! You know I can't read without them."

"I already told you this morning, and yesterday, and the day before yesterday twice that I have no idea where you'd put them."

"You hid them, I knew it!"

"Jasper, I didn't."

"You did, you did, you did! You always do this. It's not funny anymore, Edward."

"When did I hide something from you?"

"Monday! That box of chocolate Bella brought us last week."

"Jasper, you can't eat anything sweet, remember? The chocolate was mine. So, let me rephrase: When did I hide something that was yours?"

"Um… I can't remember. … No, I know, the key to my room! You sat there gleefully and watched me searching, and you didn't help!"

"Man, we found the key under your pillow."

"That's what I am talking about, you know? You hid it there!"

"I will go nuts because of you, you forgetful old man."

"Don't call me old; I am younger than you are. And I am not forgetful either. Now, where are my glasses?"

"Which ones?"

"The rounded one, with golden frames."

"Wait a moment, you have lost _my_ glasses?"

I looked at Jasper who was handing the older couple their camera back, and I had to turn around to hide my grin. I bet Jasper would be fun to be around even in his eighties.

The couple left, and he came back to me, mimicking my smile. "What's so funny?"

"I'll never let you wear my glasses!" I grinned.

His eyes widened, but he nodded. "Fine, keep them! You don't have any anyway. I'll buy mine, you skinflint!" And then I saw a flash of mischief in his eyes, just before he added in serious voice. "All twenty-seven of them!"

And then he bolted away and left me standing in the middle of the path to absorb my backfiring joke.

**…**

When I finally caught up with him, he didn't give me a chance to ask.

"Are you ready for the hard part? I've found the pond," he said.

It was like Jasper was leading me into a forest. Trees around us were tall and old and even if the garden had been founded several hundred years ago like Jasper said, I doubted that they had been planted by a landscaper. Their roots crawled onto the surface of the ground and were accepted by surrounding nature. Many of them were already covered by damp moss. I welcomed the cooler gentle wind; it was around noon, and the day was hot. We walked along the narrow winding path, with branches of trees almost touching us. The path was paved with large flat stones that were lined up in an uneven fashion to make a row. I complained about them after tripping for the third time, and Jasper turned around and laughed aloud.

"This kind of path is typical for Zen gardens. It has its purpose like everything else around here. Come here, take the lead, I'll follow. Try to concentrate on where you are about to step. It'll keep your brain preoccupied, and you'll forget about all your other worries. Come on," he said.

I looked at him suspiciously. Was he making fun of me or was he trying to help? It _felt_ like he was making fun. In fact, every time he flashed me his mischievous smile, I got nervous, not knowing what I was getting myself into. His 'twenty-seven' still rang in my ears, and I knew I was not done with that joke of his yet. He had some explaining to do.

I tried what he had told me. Step by step. Stone by stone. Jasper followed, not tripping once. When I saw a stone submerged in water just in front of my feet, I took my eyes off my shoes and looked up. There seemed to be more ponds then one. The path led across a small pond; each flat stone carefully placed tightly to the adjacent one, all of them round, and each of them looking almost the same. It looked like we were about to step on a pearl necklace halfway submerged in the water. Jasper caught up with me, wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his chin on my shoulder. "It's nice, isn't it?"

"No. It's beautiful. Come, I want to see them!"

When I was walking on the beads of the necklace, I definitely didn't think about anything else. Maybe Jasper hadn't make fun of me after all.

The other pond, just several yards away, was large, and its surface was shaded by treetops. There was a rustic plank bridge, without a handrail, crossing it. The bridge was just slightly elevated above the water surface. It was about three feet wide, and it was made from several smaller parts, that were arranged in a similar way like the stones before. If we didn't want to end up in the water, there was no place for mistakes and sidesteps.

I was on my knees and hands the second I saw a koi near the bridge. It was big, probably around three feet. I never knew a koi could be that big.

"Dinner is served!" Jasper shouted loudly and pushed against my shoulder. I ended up flat on my stomach with one hand in the water.

"Shit! Jasper, what's got into you?"

Jasper was cracking up so hard that it would take just a light stroke with my pinkie to push him into the water. The fish wouldn't have to be fed for weeks.

"I can't believe you just did that. That one was big, wasn't it?" I rolled up my soaked sleeve.

There was nobody in sight, so we lay down on our stomachs and stared into the water below the bridge. The koi were curious, and they were swimming closer. The big one never showed again, but the smaller ones were fun too. Their rounded mouths were wide open, searching for something to gulp down. Jasper slowly dipped his index finger in the water, and we both watched the koi with anticipation. It took a while till one yellow koi dared to taste the offered snack. Jasper burst out in giggles and jerked the finger out of the water.

"How much has the shark bitten off?" I couldn't contain my laughter at his fast movement. I knew we were acting like five year olds, but after spending so much time at our offices it felt wonderful.

"Actually its mouth is soft, asshole. Try it yourself."

The brave koi wasn't stupid though and wasn't to be tricked twice. Jasper pulled his hand out of the water after a while. "Wait, I have something yummy for them!" He searched through all of his pockets and found three broken sweet crackers without filling. We spent a while feeding koi, and watching water splashing when they fought for bigger crumbs.

"Now I am hungry too."

We walked back through insanely tall bamboo forest and found a place to sit down. The pavilion was slightly elevated above the ground, and all its outer sliding doors and large windows were opened so that the wind could blow freely in and out, cooling the place in the process. It almost looked like the pavilion had no walls. We took our shoes off and sat down on red tatami mats. The garden and full-grown trees were just within our reach.

After we ate the sandwiches that we had bought in the morning, Jasper leaned against one of the wooden columns and enjoyed the view into the forest. I mimicked his pose, sitting next to him cross-legged.

"I bet it is beautiful here in April, during hanami." He sighed, looking at the sakura tree in front of the pavilion. "Or in autumn. This garden seems to be designed for momiji."

I watched him and wanted to say that I would happily come back here and see momiji or hanami, whatever they may be, as long as we were going to see it together. "I believe none of it would beat today…" I said instead.

"Have I told you that the name of the garden can be translated as 'Heaven Given'?"

I couldn't take my eyes off his profile. He was still looking at the garden, not glancing at me. He had no idea what he was doing to me with his indifference.

Is he teasing me? Is he saying, what I hope he is saying? Can we go back again?

I closed the already small distance between us and brushed my lips across his. "Yeah, that's exactly how I feel right now. Thank you for today."

**…**

I turned off the light in the bathroom and opened the door to the main room. It was dark. Jasper had decided to turn off the main light and read using just the electrical lantern that was placed in a niche next to his futon. He had a pillow tucked behind his back, and he was leaning against the wall, dim light from the lantern illuminating his face, coloring it warm deep bronze. He looked so peaceful. He fell asleep in the middle of his planning our tomorrow's adventure. His index finger was still tucked in the guidebook to mark the page where he stopped reading.

I walked quietly over and sat down next to him on the floor. I was about to take the book from his lap when he stirred in his sleep. My hand froze in midair, and I couldn't take my eyes off his face. So beautiful. So close, just within my reach.

I couldn't keep my hand still; without touching him I placed my palm slightly above his knee and started moving up his body. The heat from his thigh caressed my hand. It felt like his body was wrapped in a thin protective warm blanket. It ought to be private, but I just broke in and touched it with the tips of my fingers. He must feel it too, right? I glanced up, but the look on his face hadn't changed. I moved my hand up again, copying every curve of his body. I hesitated above his chest, wondering if the protective blanket would be pulsing from the beating of his heart.

When I reached his face, I moved the back of my fingers just so closely that I could feel the warmth of his body caressing my hand again.

Mine.

I withdrew my hand surprised by the thought that flashed through my mind.

He can't be mine, can he?

The strand of his hair that had fallen down to his eyebrow was making my fingers twitch with the need to put it back in place. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair, and to caress his face, but I didn't want to wake him up.

Is it sick to watch someone sleeping?

The pull was so strong... I needed to go closer. I kneeled by his side and placed one hand next to his hip and the other one on the wall behind him to support my weight. I slowly leaned closer, careful not to make a sound or to touch him.

Suddenly, there was a muffled sound in a distance, some guests probably returning from their trip. I froze in place, my face just an inch from his. His chest was rising with each breath he took. His cologne flooded my mind, and the feel of his breath on my face was weakening my former decision to not wake him up. My eyes were glued to his slightly open lips, but the last remains of my self-restraint held me in place.

I didn't dare to move.

After a while I heard a sound of a door closing, and then there was silence. I continued to lean closer; I could already feel the heat from his face radiating toward my cheek. I knew I wasn't making a sound, but the possibility of him waking up just because his sixth sense alerted him that there could be a predator close to him made me nervous, and yet the risk of being caught actually made it impossible for me to stop.

I followed the line of his jaw and then moved my lips down to the crook of his neck. It took me several unbearably long seconds to reject the sweet appealing thought to touch him; to wake him up. To place an open-mouth kiss on that spot and pull his fragrant skin between my teeth to mark him as…

Mine.

I withdrew back again and sat down on my heels confused by my thoughts. Mine? I had been lying on that bench yesterday, full of regret, praying for the earth to swallow me, because I couldn't get over my grief for Logan. And now my mind is claiming Jasper. Or is it my heart? Do I really want to have a relationship with him? Is it the right time? Is he the right man?

He has worked so hard on showing me that, even though Logan had taken a part of my heart with him, there would always be a part left. The part that I could give to somebody, when the time is right. Maybe there was no better person than Jasper. He ignited a spark again after Logan had left, successfully smothering all flames that used to flame in my heart. Jasper somehow managed to blow the tiny spark into a flame again by his constant care and faith.

I looked at him without actually seeing him, then reached toward him for the last time and turned off the lantern behind him.

I lay down on my futon fully awake. How does _he_ feel about me? I thought. I was replaying events of the last several days in my head. Comfort and care and … friendship. No signs of affection whatsoever. He squeezed my hand. Put his arm around my waist or shoulder. Nothing more. Even in privacy of our room there was nothing that a stranger couldn't witness. And today when I kissed him… he just smiled kind of sadly and averted his eyes back to the garden. No, he didn't return the kiss.

Unbearable weight crushed my chest, and I hid my face in my pillow. It's too late. He doesn't want me anymore. I have been pushing him away for so long. He's finally accepted that I don't return his feelings. It's too late. I blew it. Again.

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><p>AN: To answer possible questions, yes, there is a train museum in Kyoto ;)

Thank you very much for reading and reviewing.


	6. Fighting for Life

**Disclaimer**: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer

Many thanks to the members of Project Team Beta and also UKJay and SwedenSara for their awesome help.

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><p>AN: Thank you very much for reading and reviewing 

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 6 – Fighting for Life <strong>

_2007_

EPOV 

My back ached from not moving much for the previous half an hour. I was leaning against the wall across the room from Jasper, watching him sleep again, and trying to push away the dark thoughts that whirled in my head. I was sitting on the floor, my hands and feet already freezing from the cold air that was coming from the aircon.

He is here, so close, and yet out of my reach. He doesn't want to have anything with me. I shouldn't have kissed him yesterday. Before that, there was a hope. Now, there is nothing left. He doesn't want me. He used to, but I blew it. He let me live in his Tokyo apartment, and I have been pushing him away ever since. He was kind to me, and I was a jerk. And the way I was recently… I am like a kid; unable to take care of myself; always scared and throwing fits in the middle of a park. He must be so ashamed of me and my behavior. All those breakdowns he witnessed… how could it not change his feelings for me?

Who knows, he might see his old aunt every time he lays his eyes on me. His depressed aunt that probably feeds stray cats and doesn't leave her house. I can't blame her. I don't feel like leaving my bed myself. Except, I can't stay in my bed right now. Because he is so close. Because I can't have him. I am sure he doesn't want me. I don't need to ask him. I am sure. Nobody would like a burden like me. It's hopeless. I want to go away. To fall asleep and never wake up again. Nothing makes sense. Nothing is right.

I noticed that the carousel in my head had started to spin again, but today I didn't mind. In fact, I welcomed it. I had started to feel comfortable in that strange world lately. The thoughts were dark, but they were the same all the time, and it wasn't hard to get used to them.

My mind was the only place where I felt like myself, protected by the surrounding shell, out of reach of others. My thoughts were my best friends, those that understood me. Sometimes they scared me, but many of them had become comforting, some of them even appealing.

I should've stayed in Tokyo. He would have enjoyed his week, and I would have slowly turned into pile of ash. I should have been nicer to him when he was interested. Now, he won't even touch me. Maybe I will have to move out of his Tokyo apartment. Maybe he will shut himself in his room. Why wouldn't he? I am no fun. I didn't appreciate what he was doing for me; I never let him know it — all I ever talked about was Logan. Maybe I should return to Forks; maybe it will be more bearable than staying in Tokyo in the same apartment with him, knowing how unbelievably I fucked up. Why can't I have a normal relationship? I am not good enough. I am a worthless p—

"You're awfully quiet down there, Edward."

I can't believe it. He is awake, and I haven't noticed, even though I've been staring at him all along. I am losing it. I shouldn't go back to the office. I will ruin our company within a week. I don't feel like myself. Maybe I could visit Jasper's aunt. If I bring a lot of cat food, maybe I can stay with her. I wonder if she has a merry-go-round too.

I didn't look up when I asked, "What's your aunt's name?"

"My aunt's?"

"The one on pills."

"Jessica. But I didn't say she was my aunt."

Deal, I will live with Jessica. Whoever she may be. I don't like to have cat's fur on my suits, though…this might be a problem… on second thoughts, if I leave the company and move in with Jessica, I won't need expensive suits. I can sell them and buy more cat food. Maybe I could open an animal shelter. For the lonely ones like me. I don't want to live this way anymore. It hurts, and there is no point in staying. I am making everybody around me miserable. They would be better off without me.

I almost jumped up when he ruffled my hair.

"Would you care to share your thoughts with me?" he asked.

"Does she feed cats?"

"Who?"

"Jessica."

"Edward, I haven't seen her for a while. Why are we talking about her at seven in the morning?"

I am her new roommate. Jasper, I blew it, I thought.

"Would you like to decide what we are going to do today?"

Sometimes I wonder if he realizes that he is talking to me like I was a small kid. Easy questions, short answers. He has been babysitting me for several days now. Why I even bother to ask… He is probably sick of me already… I am sure he must hate me. Everybody hates me. There is no point in staying in this world. I will have to do it. He will be better off without me. Everybody will be much happier when I just disappear. Jasper is too kind to say it aloud, but I am sure that deep down he will be happy when I stop ruining all his days. He hates me, I am sure. Well, fuck you, Jasper. I won't bother you for long…

That was a nasty thing to say. I'd never thought that badly about Jasper. Suddenly, the carousel didn't feel as comfortable as it seemed to in the beginning. The voice that was whispering in my ear what I should think, was speaking badly about my Jasper.

I would never speak badly about Jasper. Why does it feel like there is someone else in my head? Someone who takes over my mind? Soon, I won't be able to stand myself. I am terrible, a monster.

"Edward?"

"I am a monster, Jasper."

"You are not, but you are not making much sense either."

Like something ever made sense… Not in my life, no. Logan had left me; he never said it, but I am sure he hated me. Jasper never said it, but he doesn't want me, he just pities me. He already regrets that he has taken me on this trip. Yeah, well, I'll make it easier for you, Jasper. There is no reason to stay. Why should I fight it so hard? Death can't be worse than this. Everybody will be happy when I leave. I just… I just… I don't know how to do it.

I pulled my legs closer to my body and hid my face behind my knees. I am worthless piece of shit. I can't even kill myself. My freezing fingers tangled in my hair, and I burst into tears.

Jasper's hands were so warm; it almost felt like he would burn my freezing fingers.

Take me away, Jas, anywhere you want, but somewhere far away from this crazy world…

"I feel awful, Jas," I mumbled to my knees. "I've been sitting here for what seems like a whole morning … and I can't stop those thoughts, they're nasty. That voice is telling me awful things. It's back, Jasper. … It hurts. I'm sorry for what I've done to you. I should leave you alone. You are so good to me, and I am such a burden. I am sorry. I can't stop it, it's like somebody else is telling my brain what to think. I am so sorry, Jasper, I can't fight it anymore; make it go away, please…"

I started those almost invisible rocking movements, the ones that gave me the illusion of having control over my body. Having control over my brain was a totally different thing, though.

I let my torso slide to one side and lay down on the floor. The closer to the ground, the better I felt. It was like I was saving energy when lying; staying upright was too difficult. I felt his hand caressing my face. Jasper was probably worried. But the one who was giving orders to my brain told me not to care. And I obeyed.

I heard clinking of plates and saw two pairs of feet instead of one. Jasper's feet were moving faster, going back and forth. Then I saw wheels of a suitcase. Jasper is leaving. He is leaving me. I bolted upright in sheer panic.

"Don't leave me, Jasper, please, I'll behave, don't leave." I felt his arms around me, successfully stopping my rocking. "I am… I don't want to be alone with that voice. He is telling me nasty things, please, don't leave me, Jasper, I am sorry, I'll be good." I grasped his shirt to keep him close.

"Baby, I am not going anywhere. I've packed our things; we are going back to Tokyo. Together, you and me, do you hear me? We can get help either there, or we'll return to your apartment in Seattle. Together. I am not going anywhere without you."

I felt his wet cheek on my own. "I am tired, Jas. Have a bath with me before we go? Please?"

I sighed in relief when I heard the water running. The panic was slowly dissipating from my chest. He is not leaving.

He was back from the bathroom, and I didn't dare to let him out of my sight.

"Baby? It'll take a while," he said and came closer to me.

"I know. It's like a small swimming pool."

"Feeling better? Would you like something for breakfast? I told the maid to leave it here; I didn't know if you were hungry."

I took his hand in mine and pressed his palm to my cheek. Maybe I could suck out some energy from him. They say some people have this ability. I need it so badly. He is full of energy, and I will take just a small part; I am so tired and hungry for it.

"Edward? The breakfast? Are you hungry?"

I pulled him down to his knees and pressed his cheek to mine. It was so warm, so nice. I wrapped my arms around his torso and pressed my body to his. The more contact I made, the better I felt. He is not leaving. I could already feel his energy pouring into my body.

...

Water from a bucket hit my chest with force.

The bathtub was already full of hot water. I sat on a low wooden stool next to the bathtub, and Jasper was pouring water from a small wooden bucket onto my head and chest. I was leaning against the wall that was covered by wooden planks. Another bucket. Lather from my body flowed to the drain in the floor, and I felt like the weight on my shoulders was getting less with every bucket. He is not leaving. We can make it work. Either here, or in Tokyo, or in Seattle, I don't care where. He isn't leaving, that's what matters. Another bucket of water hit my chest.

"Thanks, Jasper, I am good. Your turn."

"Forget it. Get in the tub. How are you feeling?"

"Better." I sighed and lowered myself into the tub. It was rectangular, slightly wider and much deeper than I was used to. Japanese bathtubs seemed to be for soaking, not for cleaning your body. Jasper had warned me never to use shampoo or soap in a tub.

I sat upright, my chest in hot water, my arms resting on the brim of the tub, my head against the wooden planks. Heaven on Earth.

Jasper stood next to the tub, the first bucket of water already trickling down from his wavy hair. He held the second one in his hands and, leaning his back against the wall for better balance, he closed his eyes and let water from the bucket slowly pour down on his face. Then another, and another, and another. He looked tired, vulnerable, and sad. Like I had really sucked all his energy out of his body.

"Jasper? Are you all right?"

He stopped what he was doing and looked at me, confused. "You're asking me?"

"Come here." I reached out for him. "You look worse than me right now."

"I'm fine." He shrugged, splashed the rest of the water on his shoulders and got into the tub.

The hot water felt good. I was leaning against Jasper's chest, my body relaxed, my mind clear and unworried. There was nothing sexual in our closeness, just peace.

The bucket shower felt weird, but soaking in the bathtub was heaven.

I felt his hands on my forearms, his thumbs mindlessly drawing circles on my skin.

"I am sorry for earlier," I said.

I heard a weak thud, as Jasper resignedly leaned his head against wooden planks. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I bit my lip. Do I?

"I panicked. I felt worthless. Ashamed and mad at myself. I felt…" _unloved_… I bit my lip again. "It wasn't because of Logan, though."

"It wasn't? Do you think you have moved on?" he asked quietly.

I took a deep breath, watching small waves running on the water surface. "Maybe."

"So, why the panic attack?"

I entwined my fingers in his and pretended I had missed his question. How could I tell him? It would sound like a reproach. I could never do that.

"Worthless, ashamed, and mad," he repeated. "Why on earth would you feel all of this..."

It wasn't a question. So, I decided not to answer. I didn't know how anyway.

"Ashamed, mad, worthless… The biggest problem is 'worthless.'" He sighed. "Why are you feeling that way? You are not. You are very successful in business, and you would have been irrespective of your dad's support."

"Work isn't everything."

"So… it is because of… you said it was not because of Logan?"

I hid my face behind my palms. Now he plays my shrink.

"Where did you want to go today?" I asked instead of answering.

"Tokyo."

"Bullshit."

"I've packed, we go. End of discussion."

"You were planning something for today last evening. What was it?" I asked quietly.

"Nothing important. We are going home."

"I was watching you yesterday. You fell asleep while reading the guidebook. I want to know what you were reading. I mean it."

"Obon ends tomorrow."

Water filled my body, flooded my lungs, and I fought for breath as I stared ahead. That was how I felt. Like I was drowning.

I shouldn't have come to Kyoto. I'll ruin everything. He already lost one day when I didn't want to get out of my bed in Tokyo, then another when I decided on koi instead of some significant temple. I made a scene in the Golden Pavilion, and now this. I am ruining everything. He should've left me in Tokyo. If I continue like this, I'll lose him forever. Who could stand someone like me? I am making a mess from his life.

My rocking had changed the still water to a sea during a thunderstorm.

"Baby, please stop. It's killing me to see you like this. Edward, are you listening? Stop it!"

I felt his grip on my arms and body as he held me really tight.

"Twenty…six… no… no… seven. Twenty-seven!" I choked out between my sobs.

"What? What are you talking about?"

"I don't know!" I howled. "Isn't it some sort of code you use? You shrieked it when I grasped you hand."

He loosened his grip. "God, we need to work on our communication. Should I go first, or will you?"

I didn't dare to look at him or to acknowledge that I heard him.

"Fine, twenty-seven is the number of bones in a human hand. You grabbed my hand, and I wanted to distract your mind. Now, your turn. Tell me what you were thinking right now. All of it. And I mean it, too."

"No. I'll make it worse if I tell you. No way. This is bad enough as it is."

"Edward, now! I want to know all of it."

I took a breath and blurted, "I am ruining everything. You should've left me at home. You lost the first day because of me; you lost yesterday because of my koi; I made a scene the first day we got here, and then at the pavilion. As I recall, I make a scene at least once a day; you should have never brought me to Kyoto; I ruin everything; I am absolutely worthless and you don't get it; you would be so much better off without me. And now you are about to give up the main reason you came here just because of me. I'd rather die than let you do it!"

I knew how I sounded, but he asked for it and he got it. I was glad I could blame my wet cheeks on the water in the tub.

But Jasper didn't look at me. He stared at the opposite wall, and his face was like a mask. "So it's because of me…"

I started to protest, but he stopped me by his raised hand. "You feel like shit because of me…" he repeated incredulously and got out of the tub.

"No, that's not what I meant! Jasper, let me explain! Don't leave!"

But he grabbed a towel on his way, and he was already out of the bathroom door. I heard his mumbling and calling names from the living room. He may have even punched something, but I stopped listening. I submerged my ears in the water, so that I couldn't hear him. I did it. I told him; I accused him; I made him mad; he left.

I was lying on my back in the water, and my eyes were filling with tears. I had ruined everything.

I grasped the brim of the tub and submerged in the water completely. In a second I was in another world. Water washed my tears away; nobody was offended by my behavior; I couldn't hurt anybody. I wanted to stay there forever, in my private quiet bubble that muffled sounds from the outer world.

But I can't, I thought. I have to tell Jasper, explain to him, what I meant. Logan left me without giving me a chance to make it right, and I know how it hurts. I have to make things right with Jasper and then let him go to find someone better than me. I must tell him—

"You piece of shit! What the fuck do you think you're doing? Are you fucking out of your mind?"

My ears hurt from his screaming. I taste blood on my tongue, and the side of my head where I hit the wall hurts like hell.

"What you do that for?" I yelled back. I'd never seen him being so mad. I got out of the tub and wrapped a towel around my waist.

"No! Why did _you_ just do _that_? I knew it wouldn't go away. I knew it was going to get worse. I knew it! I should've done something much sooner. God damn it, Edward, what did you think you were doing? Just how many people would've been heartbroken if you did it?"

"Jasper, what do you… I didn't try to kill myself! Are you out of your mind? What are you talking about? Why would you even think that?"

"You didn't?"

"Is it why you hit me?"

"I saw your head under water! What do you think it looked like?"

"I was just thinking!"

"Like that? At the bottom of the tub? Who are you kidding?"

"I wanted to have my ears under water. I didn't want to hear your calling names and leaving."

"I wasn't leaving! I was mad at myself! ... Your face… it looked so calm under water…" He slid to the floor, pulled his legs to his chest, and hid his face in the crook of his elbow. "I thought you were already ..."

I almost didn't hear him; it was like he was whispering just to himself.

"I saw Jess in my mind and I panicked. I grabbed your hair, and when I got you out and saw you were alive, I was so relieved, but then I got mad again that you could have thought about doing it."

"Why would you think I wanted to —"

"Why? How can you ask? You have been talking about dying since I can't remember. It was the last thing you'd told me before I left the bathroom!"

I did? _I'd rather die than let you do it. _I did indeed. I sat down on the floor next to him. "I am sorry for scaring you."

"Edward, I am drained. This rollercoaster… I don't know if I can handle it anymore. I feel like there is nothing left in me. No energy, no power."

We sat on the floor, each of us lost in his own thoughts. When did things go so wrong for us? I felt like we were talking all the time, but never saying the things that mattered the most. It would be nice to feel his embrace and listen to his words of love echoing my own, but I wasn't sure anymore that he would ever say them again, and I didn't feel like saying them either. Not because I didn't feel that way, but because I was emotionally so tired that it felt like even a slightest touch would break me down.

"Jasper, can we still fix it? Things between us?"

"I don't know."

It took all my courage to ask, "Do you want to try?"

"Do you?"

I rested my forehead on my knee. That was not the answer I hoped for. "More than you know."

He turned the palm of his hand upward in hesitant gesture. I grabbed it like I was holding for my dear life.

"Take me to that festival, please."

He looked at me with dread in his eyes. "Edward, I don't think I should. Maybe we should have stayed in Tokyo. Obon is a festival of the Dead." 

* * *

><p>AN: Thank you for staying with Edward during his tough day. I promise it will get better. In the next chapter :)

I am not sure… would you like to see this day from Jasper's POV?


	7. Falling and Feeling Again, part I

**Disclaimer**: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer

Many thanks to my pre-reader SwedenSara and to UKJay and bigblueboat from Project Team Beta for their awesome help.

* * *

><p>AN: The Kiyomizu temple:

suncallmoonbright. blogspot. (c o m)/2008/06/central-japan-day-2-kyoto-kiyomizu. html

You can also find videos, depicting the walk between the love stones, on youtube.

The Torii at Inari Taisha shrine:

farm5. staticflickr. (c o m)/4053/4651271024_9b86545cda_z. jpg

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 7 – Falling and Feeling Again, part I<strong>

_2011_

EPOV

There should be some law that would take care of this. Luxurious hotel apartments should not have pristine ceilings. Not a crack in sight, nothing my eyes could hold onto. I should have taken that economy flight. I should have found a way to avoid this night. I mean it's not like I missed my plane on purpose. But I should have tried harder to get out of here.

It's 3 AM, and sleep hasn't come to me yet. The dread in my stomach is growing no matter how many glasses of bourbon I've had, no matter how many times I've flipped back and forth through the TV channels.

I reach to turn off the bedside lamp, and the whole room sinks into darkness. The vast whiteness of the ceiling disappears, but the night is painting my ebony thoughts into an even darker shade.

Every night my anxiety increases; I've got already used to it. Nothing could prepare me for this, though. Seattle and Obon is a deadly combination; I should have realized that.

I hate these mood swings of mine. They keep coming back since September. It's not depression, no. Jasper hasn't even noticed them. He certainly knows about _the_ September, though. Shit.

My fingers smooth the blanket in a futile attempt to take my mind off the bad memories, but every fold on the blanket cover reminds me of the scar. The scar nastier than it needed to be.

I asked several days later, why he hadn't gone to a hospital.

"I was afraid to leave you," he said.

I'll never get over what I had done.

I pull the blanket away and get up. The room is too small for my nervous pacing, so I give up and stop at the window.

The Space Needle is so similar to The Kyoto Tower from the distance. I should have never come back to Seattle. Singapore is a much safer place; no round tower in sight.

How come the angular skyline of Singapore hadn't kept us safe then?

The window is floor to ceiling, and the view is spectacular. All the people wandering below are not taller than half an inch. This is what I feel like. Small, insignificant, prepared to be crushed anytime.

I shove my hands into the pockets of the hotel gown, and then I slowly lean toward the window, needing to feel the coldness of the glass on my forehead. The glass is spotless, and I can hardly estimate where exactly it is.

It feels like the arms of the night are so welcoming and so within my reach. What would it be like to fall in their embrace? My forehead still hasn't made the desired contact, and my heels are already lifted from the floor. Soon, my leaning forward becomes a real free fall.

I panic for a second, thinking I made a mistake, and the glass is somehow not there. I jerk my hands from the pockets, and when the glass thuds under my palms, I swear. I am not in a bad mood, I am a crazy sicko.

A bitter chuckle escapes my lips then. Doctor Marsha would freak out hearing me. Words like _crazy_, _a sicko_, or _insane_ had been taboo in her office. If someone was crazy, it would be her.

But the Xanax she had given me months ago is still working, I think to myself and reach for the bottle.

...

_2007_

EPOV

"Are we there yet?" I asked. We were somewhere in the middle of a long line of people that was slowly moving up the hill.

"Edward, you are such a baby!" Jasper scowled, but then the corners of his lips turned slightly upward. He'd been in a bad mood since we had left the hotel. It'd taken a lot to persuade him to not return to Tokyo, but to go with his former itinerary. We'd been climbing up the stairs for the last twenty minutes, and I kept trying to brighten his mood the entire time. The rain that had been pouring down for the whole night stopped, and the air was hot and humid.

I knew the stairs were a part of Jasper's evil plan. He intended to keep my body sated and exhausted, so that my brain wouldn't have time to think about anything stupid. I didn't dare to bring up another activity.

So, the plan for today was visiting a temple, whose long name I'd unfortunately forgotten. However, I was sure I would never forget the stairs because there were just insanely too many of them.

"Come on, Edward. With every hundred stairs, you'll get a better view of the city." He chuckled, and I welcomed his teasing. I deserved it. I deserved the never ending stairs too for what I had done to him this morning.

I'd wanted to take a nibble of the already cold breakfast after we'd picked ourselves up off the bathroom floor. Jasper declined and hid in the low armchair by the window. When I came to join him after a while, I found him staring out to our little garden.

I waited patiently for him to notice me. He seemed to be lost in his own world, and I felt guilty for making him so sad. It had been raining for the whole night, and now the rays of the morning sun were playing with the raindrops that were rolling down the window, painting shadowy trails on Jasper's face.

When he turned around to look at me and wiped his cheeks with the palm of his hand, I blinked in surprise — those shadowy trails were gone. They were not trails of shadows, but of tears. I'd made him cry. How could I?

"Have you found anything else to pack?"

"Jasper, please let's not go back." I shuffled my feet and looked down, away from him. I was desperate to hug him and tell him that everything would be fine, but I was too afraid to go and sit with him. He looked so fragile, and I didn't want to make things even worse.

"I know I started the day in a terrible way for both of us, and I can't say how sorry I am. But if we go, I won't forgive myself for ruining your week."

"Edward, don't apologize." He sighed, and ran his fingers through his hair. I watched the strands falling back to his face as soon as he withdrew his hand. Being so far away from him was pure torture.

He rested his forehead in his palm and hid his face from me. "I know that you don't do it on purpose. Depression is a disease; I wouldn't be mad at you if you got the flu either. The thing is, I should be the one who decides what to do to help you with it. I am afraid that you've already lost the ability to deal with it. I would like to see you somewhere safe. Away from whatever works as a trigger."

Then he looked at me again and sighed. "I am also afraid that you are hiding something from me, and it doesn't help either. If you are hesitant to talk to me about it, we can find someone else. But, just so you know, there is nothing you couldn't tell me. I am _not_ leaving."

I averted my eyes from his and looked in the garden. "I promise I'll tell you. But not now." No, not now, I would ruin everything again, and this time there would be no way back. "Please? Can we stay? It's only gonna be a couple of days, after all."

Then Jasper came up with his plan. And I accepted my punishment, as I called it in my mind. The day filled with walking and climbing stairs, filled with physical activity that should keep my brain working properly. Maybe Jasper was right, and my bad mood wasn't just a bad mood. Lately, it certainly didn't feel like an ordinary bad mood. So, I agreed to do anything he wanted if it meant we were going to stay.

And that was the reason why we were here now, climbing stairs.

To tell the truth, the view _was_ nice. We had found a place to sit down in the shade for a while, and we were looking at the city and treetops below. My legs were shaking slightly, and I could bathe in my own sweat. But my mind was bright, and I felt wonderful.

"It's working, you know?" I said.

"What is?"

"Your evil plan to keep me sane. It's strange, but I feel normal. Wonderful in fact. I used to think that depression is kind of permanent, not that you have ups and downs like this."

"It's more dangerous this way. Because it gives hope."

"There can't be anything wrong with hope, Jasper."

"There can when the hope is false. It might go away without medication. But nobody can guarantee you that you will be the lucky one."

"How long has Jessica been on her pills?"

"You are thinking too much; let's get you walking. Get up, old man, if your legs have stopped shaking, or we won't make it until closing time."

So we did. The view from the top of the hill, where the temple was built, was breathtaking. The complex of buildings was large and truly magnificent. There were several large stages of different heights. We could lean against the banister and watch people and forest below, or take a look up to admire several different temples and a tall pagoda.

The main hall of the temple was huge. It had a large verandah, supported by tall pillars that jutted out over the hillside. We leaned against the railing and looked down at the city.

I knew we were high above the ground. If Jasper was right, and my brain was considering suicide, I shouldn't be repulsed by the view, right? I closed my eyes, grabbed Jasper's hand, just to be sure, and with, "I want to try something," I swiftly leaned over the banister as far as I could. When I was facing the ground, I opened my eyes.

I thought I would vomit. I bolted upright, turned around and sat on the floor of the verandah with my body still shaking.

"Damn it, Edward, what was that about?" Jasper was close to yelling.

"I wanted to be sure," I said with a shaky voice.

"Of what? That you'll give me a heart attack one day? You could've just asked me!"

"No, I wanted to know what my mind thought about suicide."

"Are you a lab rat or what? Aren't these experiments a bit dangerous?" He was still mad. But then the curiosity got better of him. "What have you found out?"

I smiled and shook my head.

Jasper exhaled and sat down next to me. "Great. So now I can tell you that there would have been about 80 percent chance of surviving that jump."

"How have you come up with that number?"

"There have been enough jumps to get the number right."

I gaped at him.

"Someone had come up with a brilliant idea that if you jumped and survived, the thing you'd wished before jumping would come true. More than two hundred people have given it a try."

"That's insane."

"Yes. As opposed to your experiment without telling me about your idea just minutes ago."

"How high above the ground are we?"

"About 43 feet. There is even a saying in Japanese, 'to jump off the Kiyomizudera stage.' Its meaning is close to our 'to take the plunge.'"

"That's the name of the temple, you just said?"

"Kiyomizu, yes. Tera means temple. It changes to dera, if it's said together. Let me read you something." He pulled his worn-out guidebook from his backpack. "Here it is: Kiyomizudera ("Pure Water Temple") is one of the most celebrated temples of Japan. It was founded in 780 as a small temple on the site of the Otowa Waterfall by the monk Enchin. One day, General Tamuramaro hunted in this area. His wife was pregnant, and it was common belief during those days, that drinking deer blood had a good effect on easing childbirth."

"Yuck."

"What, you don't think deer blood is delicious? Whose blood would you prefer then?"

"Jasper, if I didn't know better, I would swear you made this up. This is just disgusting. Is there more?"

"Got interested after all, huh?" He smirked at me and licked his lips demonstratively. "Monk Enchin got mad at his general for killing innocent animals, and Tamuramaro repented for his sin by building Kiyomizu-dera and dedicating it to Enchin the monk."

"So the temple is that old?" I asked, trying to get my mind off Jasper's lips.

"Yeah, but it had been rebuilt in the 17th century. They hadn't used a single nail while constructing the temple and the stage we are on now. It was constructed using 139 pillars and 90 crossbeams," he said and shut his guidebook.

"Nice. Remind me to look at it from below. Let's see the rest of the complex."

I liked the Otowa waterfall that was in the complex. There were three thin streams coming from three highly elevated stone founts. People lined up to walk behind the streams, and for a small fee they could use a tin cup attached to a long stick to scoop water from them. The sign at the waterfall declared that you can be rewarded with love, longevity or wisdom, depending on which stream you choose to drink from. However — there is always a however in fairytales — you must have picked out just two streams. If you drank from all three, no wish would be granted. I guessed the gods didn't like greed.

We wandered around the temple enjoying the day. Jasper was leafing through his guidebook, and I was people watching. There were many foreign tourists in the complex, and I enjoyed snatches of English conversation. After hearing an outburst of laughter, I scanned the area for the source. When I heard another one, I noticed the crowd in front of an unusually colorful shrine.

"Jasper, what is over there?"

He looked at me thoughtfully and said, "Something that could probably brighten your mood." And then he mumbled, "At least I hope so. Help me God if I am wrong."

We joined a group of people standing around a small open area with two big decorated stones in the middle. People, mostly young girls in school uniforms, lined up to walk with their eyes closed from one stone to the other. Every time they deviated from the right direction, there was a lot of laughter and yelling from the onlookers. Sometimes they got help from their friends, sometimes the help wasn't necessary. Clapping and cheering erupted every time someone successfully reached the other stone.

"What's the goal?" I asked enchanted by the sight.

"To reach the other one."

"That I can clearly see, Jasper!"

"Wanna try it?"

"Isn't it just for girls? I haven't seen any men trying."

"I'm sure you'll hear a lot of giggling, but it's not just for girls, I assure you. The girls are here probably on some school trip. So, what's the word?"

The stones were quite far apart. I'd have to walk about twenty-five or more steps to reach the other one. It's not going to be easy, but what in my life has been easy lately, I thought and nodded, hoping I wouldn't make a fool of myself in front of all those teenage girls.

I positioned myself in front of one of the stones and concentrated on remembering the right direction. Then I closed my eyes and took the first step. Jasper was right, the girls giggled to no end. I heard a lot of shouting, but I never knew what the people around me were saying. Was I walking in the wrong direction? Have I missed the stone already? The walk seemed to take forever. I suppressed the urge to open my eyes and took two more steps. When I felt sharp pain in my knee and heard a burst of laughter and cheering, I opened my eyes and saw Jasper's grin. I was standing right in front of the other stone.

I waved to the crowd apologetically, to let the girls know that I couldn't join the conversation, and looked at the next one, who wanted to try her luck.

"What have I just accomplished, Jasper?" I grinned.

His face lit up with a broad smile. "This shrine is devoted to Okuninushi, the god of love and matchmaking. It is believed that if you make it to the other stone, you will find your true love someday."

I bit my lip and averted my eyes.

"Oh, come on, Edward. This is good news. Okuninushi must know; he's been around for a long time. Let's go inside."

"What would you tell me if I didn't make it?"

"I wouldn't have let that happen, baby. The rules don't forbid getting help, and I was there. You would have made it, one way or another."

I was glad Jasper entered the shrine before me and couldn't see my face.

There were lots of stalls around the shrine where you could buy talismans or o-mikuji – if you paid the price, you could pick a fortune note and see what future held for you.

"Jasper, what's over here?" I was eyeing a young boy who was throwing pieces of paper into a stream.

Jasper read the sign at the stall and smiled. "Watch the paper."

"Why?"

"Can't you just do it?"

"Fine," I mumbled, feeling silly for watching garbage in water. The boy was doing the same thing, Jasper was too. That makes three crazy people, I thought, no, wait – four. The old man over there seems to be interested too.

Jasper elbowed my ribs to get my attention off the man and pointed to the water.

"It's dissolving!" I watched the paper and then noticed the broad smile on the boy's face. "How come? What does it mean? Why is he so cheered up?"

"A fortune teller. He had written his problems on the paper, and now he knows that they will disappear, just like that paper did. Feeling like you need some paper too?"

Hmm, I thought, that doesn't seem so bad…

But then I noticed that Jasper is close to bursting out in laughter, so I pursed my lips. "Do I look so desperate?"

"Sure you don't. It was just an idea." His face looked horrified, but his eyes were smiling.

"Shut up, jerk." I grinned and moved to another stall.

Some people were writing their prayers and wishes on small wooden plaques called ema, and then they were hanging them at a designated place.

There were small altars where people bowed and clapped their hands, and also a lot of vendors selling souvenirs and different snacks and cooked meals. Jasper bought us big dumplings stuffed with vegetable and meat. They were almost the size of a burger.

We headed slowly towards the main stairs to get back.

"Jasper, you couldn't have chosen a better place for today's trip." I smiled at him. "It was so different from what we have seen so far. It was … spiritual and full of hope for the future," I added, wondering what _our_ future may be like.

Jasper wrapped his hand around my shoulder and squeezed. "Come, we'll run down those stairs. Maybe we can make another trip before it gets dark."

The way down was harsh. I was willing to bet I would dream about moving staircases that night.

...

An hour later, we got out of the cab at a small street with one and two storey buildings. Jasper suggested we should have bought some snacks, just to be prepared if all restaurants along the way were already closed. When we passed by a subway station, I noticed a wide promenade on our right. It was _up_ the hill. No stairs, though. But with Jasper's devilish plan, I was sure there would be some and then more.

"We are heading to Fushimi Inari Taisha. Taisha means shrine and Inari is the god of rice, sake and prosperity. I doubt that we'll make it to the top before nightfall, but there is a lot to see along the way too. I hope you'll like it."

"Is it open after dusk?"

"There is no official entrance; it's just a hiking trail. We could stay all night I guess."

"And what's the point of hiking at night exactly?"

"Edward, come on! We have about two hours left before it starts to get too dark. You'll see why I am dragging you here. I promise you haven't seen anything like it."

Indeed, I hadn't.

The shrine wasn't that far, and we made it there during daylight. There were lanterns hanging at the entrance, and there were also lights lit up inside the shrine. The complex of buildings was quite big and looked spectacular.

But the thing that surprised me was not the shrine itself.

"What is _that_?"

There were thousands of orange gates scattered in the forest in front of us.

"I told you." Jasper smiled and looked to the forest up the hill. "Those are called torii – the gates. They were donated and inscribed by businesses and by ordinary people thankful for their prosperity. Some are huge, and some are smaller, less expensive. There are about ten thousand of them on the hill. And they still keep erecting new ones."

"It looks like a tunnel." I liked it. Indeed, I had never seen anything like that before. The gates were dark orange with black elements. Some of them several yards apart, some much closer to each other, but all of them, viewed from the right spot, made an illusion of an orange tunnel. The path was mostly paved, with some long flights of stairs.

"This is incredible." It was hard for me to find the right words. There was no practical purpose to erect thousands of gates in a forest. And maybe that was the reason why it looked so magnificent and spiritual.

We had been walking for about an hour, and there was still no sign of an end of the tunnel. At one point the tunnel split in two, each of the new smaller ones going in slightly different direction. There were also smaller shrines along the path.

The sun went down, slowly coloring the tunnel in heavenly colors. Some parts were already dark, while the others were bright orange from diagonal rays of the sun that were also painting bright and shadowy stripes on the ground.

"Jasper, wait. This is just… I have no words." I felt like I needed to stop for a while to absorb it.

"Have you noticed those lanterns above our heads? There are not many of them, I guess they are more for the feeling than for safe walking. I can't wait to see how the path will look like after dusk."

We found that out about an hour later; eerie, spiritual, heavenly, surreal, just about a bit of everything. We had left all other people behind a long time ago and had the hill just to ourselves. I felt like we were in another world, being kept safe from the dark forest by that incredible tunnel that was lit up just very softly. We knew where to go, but we tripped many times.

I was about to ask Jasper how far he intended to go when I saw something that made me stop.

"Jasper? Just curious, but do you know the wildlife around here?"

"See something wild?" he asked with a smirk.

I eyed him with amusement and nodded. "I might. There…" and I pointed into the dark. "What is it? It looks like a dog maybe? It's not moving now."

Suddenly, I had Jasper's arms around my neck.

"Oh, I knew it wasn't safe around here after dusk! I am so scared! Will you fight to save my dear life?" he squealed, and I bet my eyes were big as saucers. Then he let go and cracked up. "So, what does it look like? A fox maybe?"

"Um, maybe?" I still couldn't shake off the overwhelming feeling from his intimate touch.

"Thought so. And it still hasn't moved, has it?" He chuckled.

"Nope."

"Because it's made from bronze. It's a statue of a fox, the messenger of Inari."

"You know I don't want to be the fun killer here, but how come his messengers were allowed to smoke cigars?" I asked, mischievous smile playing on my lips.

"They what?"

Ha ha, Jasper, got you. Your saucers are definitely bigger than mine were, I thought.

"That damn thing is smoking a cigar. Look from over here." I grinned.

"Well…"

"Well? She is, isn't she?"

Jasper had never liked to be fooled. He was up the long staircase in seconds. Truth to be told, I hadn't anticipated his answer.

"She definitely is!"

There was a bronze fox indeed. She had a short bamboo stick in her mouth that served as a water pipe.

"Do you think she would share?" Jasper chuckled and splashed cold water on his face. And then, just like that on _my_ face. "Wake up call, darling! You should have your eyesight checked!"

Thank God, there were no people around. They would have kicked us both out. It should be made clear that the fight didn't turn out well for Jasper. I had him pinned down on the pavement behind the statue in no time. I held his hands above his head and kneeled above him.

"You should have your sharp eye checked, _darling_!" I smirked.

He laughed out loud, and I watched his chest rapidly rise and fall from the fight and laughing. His face and shirt were still wet. I knew if it was daylight, I would have seen his flushed cheeks. I was surprised at how my body reacted to the thought.

"Jasper?"

"Yeah, baby?"

I felt my lips on his before the idea even crossed my mind. His hands were still in mine above his head, and I wasn't about to let them go.

The moment my lips touched his, I knew how foolish I had been to keep pushing him away for so long. This felt so good, so right. The anger, ever-present during our first days together, was gone, and all I felt was the need to be with him, to never let him go. His lips tasted just like I remembered, and I was quickly losing ground, melting into the kiss and forgetting about the fox, Inari and all the people who may be still wandering along the trail.

But then I remembered him pulling away in the koi garden and keeping his distance ever since, and a pain bolted through my stomach.

Maybe it doesn't feel this good to him? I thought. Maybe he is just afraid to say so? Maybe it's too late. Maybe he is just being polite. Have I just ruined everything? Maybe —

"Why did you stop?"

My gaze shifted from nothingness back to his face. How does he feel? If I ask him, will he tell me the truth?

I was hovering above him on my knees and hands, searching in his eyes, afraid of seeing his rejection. I slowly loosened my grip on his wrists, hoping he wouldn't run away.

"Are you okay with this, Jas?"

When he raised his hand, and the tips of his fingers traced my jaw, I smelled soil and wet leaves.

"More than okay," he whispered. "I couldn't hold back any longer."


	8. Falling and Feeling Again part II

**Disclaimer**: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer

Many thanks to my pre-reader SwedenSara and to UKJay and darcysmom from Project Team Beta for their awesome help.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 8 – Falling and Feeling Again part II<strong>

_2007_

EPOV

_I was hovering above him on my hands and knees, searching in his eyes, afraid of seeing his rejection. I slowly loosened my grip on his wrists, hoping he wouldn't run away._

_"Are you okay with this, Jas?"_

_When he raised his hand, and the tips of his fingers traced my jaw, I smelled soil and wet leaves._

_"More than okay," he whispered. "I couldn't hold back any longer."_ His fingers slid down to my collar, and I didn't protest when he pulled me back to his lips.

My mind raced. He is not leaving. I didn't ruin anything. He is mine.

I buried my face in the crook of his neck, enjoying the contrast between his silky hair and his one day stubble.

"I've wanted to do this for so long, Jas," I mumbled, marveling at the way his body relaxed under my hands. When I sank my teeth in his neck and sucked hard, he inhaled sharply in surprise, and his body arched up, sending electric impulses to every square inch of my body where his chest touched my skin.

He tasted like the hot day that had just ended; salt and dust were still covering his skin. I caressed the mark with my tongue and then blew across the wet traces.

"You taste so good. And the smell of your skin… Jas, I am sorry it took me so long. I am sorry; I didn't mean to, I didn't… I couldn't —"

"Baby? Shut up." His lips sealed mine, and when he moved up and nibbled on my cheek and jaw, I lost track of time and my own thoughts. He sucked on my earlobe, and the mix of his cologne and his sweat made my brain foggy and forced my fingers to move faster. He had too many clothes on. I didn't care about the buttons; the purpose of having buttons on a shirt is overrated if you ask me. And Jasper shouldn't be bothered with a shirt anyway. Why would anyone want to hide a chest like his?

His shirt was wet from our water fight, warmed by the heat of his body, pressed to his muscles, and the sweetness of the anticipation was the only thing that held me back and didn't allow me to rip it open in one move.

I traced his partly revealed chest with my fingertip, starting at his waist and moving slowly up, up, up to his neck, to his chin, eager to touch his lips again. He didn't let me. Before I could enjoy the softness of his lips, he lifted his head and sucked my index finger into his mouth.

I couldn't take my eyes off the place where his lips were encircling my finger. And the things his tongue was doing, and the look on his face… The tension in my body had already started to grow, and I needed to reach between us to adjust my jeans.

"You…you… need to stop. I… oh, God, it's been so long. You're driving me crazy." I pulled my finger from his mouth, and he licked his lips.

"So, give me something better to taste."

My eyes widened. He had always been the quiet type. Where did this come from? Not that I minded really. But —

"I've won the fight, remember?" I smirked. "I'm in charge. And I'll wipe that grin from your face in no time."

He chuckled and then smiled, and when he looked me in the eyes, I knew that all those weeks I had been falling for him. Sometimes, it felt more like I was flying.

I bent down to his face and let my cheek and nose gently touch his skin. I had never done this with him before; this tenderness was new. Our previous nights had been about dominance and venting anger and sadness.

I moved my face up and enjoyed the light touch and the feeling of the warm bubble that surrounded his body.

Maybe if I try to be really gentle, I'll get into this bubble of his, and we'll become one, I thought.

"I love you too," he whispered.

My body stiffened, and panic bubbled in my stomach. Jasper's arms encircled my body, like he knew that I was close to freaking out, and his fingers played with my hair in a soothing manner. "It's okay. You don't need to say anything," he said.

I couldn't look at him. Why is it such a big deal for me? Why can't I just say it? He deserves better than this. I am such a —

"Jasper what are you doing?" I inhaled sharply and wriggled to get my dick out of his reach.

"Won the fight, huh? In command? I don't think so, Mister." He opened my fly with one hand, grabbed my dick with the second, and when he pinched my nipple, it was like he had a third hand; they were everywhere. At that point I forgot what my name was. Somehow, he was hovering above me at that moment, and I couldn't figure out how that had happened. The leaf that was entangled in his hair was copying his movements, forward and back and forward like waves on a shore, and soon the waves of tingling were running through my body in the same manner, from his finger tips along my spine to my head.

But then I remembered. _I_ wanted be in command. I wanted to feel it. I wriggled from his grasp and pushed him on his back. "Yeah, in command."

I knew he hated when someone touched his nipples, but there was still enough room for my playing. I pulled my jeans up to not distract his wandering hands and palmed his bulge. Soon, he was becoming Jell-O under my touch.

"Jas? What do you know about Inari's position on sex?" I smiled and let my tongue explore his partially revealed chest, not letting go of his bulge.

His breathing was uneven when he stuttered, "Who's… Inari?"

I chuckled. "Such a short memory. We kind of broke into his kitchen. Or a bedroom." I pulled the hem of his shirt from his jeans, and Jasper whimpered, helping me by lifting his hips up from the ground.

"But someone told me he was the god of good business, food and sake, or something like that…" I started to graze his skin with my teeth. "So, I was thinking…" I nibbled on his bare stomach, "that he must know how to take a joke." I stopped and looked at him seriously. "What do you think?"

"Goddamnit, I don't care." He was desperately trying to free his legs that were still trapped between my knees. "I need more, baby. Now!"

"Baby?" Nobody had ever called me that, only Jasper. "You really think about me that way?" My fingers were wandering along his chest and stomach, occasionally grazing the skin just above the waistband of his jeans. The lower I slid into his jeans the higher his whimpering became, and his abdominal muscles were already shivering.

"Stop that playing, I told you, I need —"

"More?" I lifted my knee from the ground and placed it between his thighs, pressing into his crotch.

He welcomed the chance of moving freely and immediately wrapped his right leg around my hip and pulled me close to him. I moaned when our hips crushed together, and my body started to move on its own, seeking release in the friction.

"You see what you are doing to me?" he breathed out. "No more teasing."

I put my right hand under his neck, caressing his skin with my thumb. My left struggled with the button of his jeans. When my fingers finally made the desired contact, he sighed in relief. I freed him from his briefs. "So hard for me already?"

"Mmm..."

"Say it."

"Mmm…oh."

"Say it. I want everybody around here to hear who you are hard for. Say it. Out loud."

"For you, Edward,… oh my God. You're gonna kill me before I come."

My fingers were doing their best to bring him pleasure, and his response made my own body shiver in anticipation.

"Just how many people do you think are walking on the trail right now?" I slid my hand down and groped his ass hard. "Would they enjoy the sight?"

He was pulling his hips up, but I grabbed him and pinned him to the ground with my left hand, my left knee teasing his balls, my right hand grabbing the back of his neck tight. He could hardly move. Yes, in command, _Mister_.

"What do you think? Should I let them watch?" I asked.

Jasper remembered his hands and probably thought that the best defense was an attack, and he was trying to steal my jeans from me again.

"No babe, this is about you." I pulled his hands away, and he groaned in frustration.

I was exploring all his secrets, and he squirmed under my touch, his body tensing and relaxing again.

"Ed… ward!"

"Yeah?"

The sounds he was making could have been hardly taken for coherent speech.

"Yes, babe? Tell me." I yanked his jeans down and slid my hand between his legs.

"death… of me!"

"Well then, I am in the right place at the right time, aren't I? Tomorrow, I'll join the festival."

He made a move toward my fly again, and I growled, "Do you remember what I've told you?"

"Not…oh… a word."

"Tsk tsk tsk. Were you not paying attention? You've been really bad; you know that, don't you?"

"Yeah… oh shit!"

I watched with satisfaction as he turned into a writhing mess in front of my eyes, the only thing hard and reasonably steady was his cock.

"Hmm, maybe I should punish you. Leave you on the forest floor without meeting your needs? What do you think?" I let go of his cock and dipped my tongue into a dimple below his Adam's apple.

"Edward… I can't … I won't … please don't…oh, shit!"

I chuckled. "Maybe I should leave you here naked and pinned to the ground so that everybody would know how bad you had been," I whispered to his ear. This time his reaction was so wild that he almost shook me off his body.

"I'll take that as a no." I bit on his earlobe.

"Please, baby, touch me. You can't do this to me…"

I pulled his jeans down even more and eyed the show. His cock was moving with every breath he took. I traced its whole length with the tip of my tongue, and then I blew lightly on it, starting at the base and going all the way up. I felt his thigh muscles tighten.

"Edward, I beg you!"

I wanted to torture him a bit more, but the truth was, staying away from his dick was an unbearable torture for _me._

I took his whole length in, and he gasped. My lips were tightly pressed to his skin, making it hard for his cock to slide in and out. When I slightly grazed the head with my teeth, I saw his hands scrabbling around for something to hold onto. I grabbed his right hand with my left, and he squeezed so hard, that I could clearly count all those twenty-seven bones.

Bobbing my head up and down in small regular circles, I worked his cock with my tongue and teeth, encouraged by Jasper's incoherent mumbling. I enjoyed being in command, having power over his body and mind, taking him to the edge and back at my will. After all those days when I had almost been babysat, it felt wonderful.

Jasper was losing it already. I felt his body tensing and trembling, but I didn't want him to come yet. I remembered our talk about the fox with the bamboo stick in her mouth. "Jasper? We have company."

His body grew still, apart from his stomach muscles that were almost dancing under my hand.

"Do you want her to watch?"

"Her?" He licked his parched lips.

"Yeah. Do you want her to see you coming all over your stomach? Let her listen to your moaning my name when you come? She can't take her eyes off you, babe." My words were driving him crazy, and his breath became shallow. I tugged on his sac to keep him on edge.

"Jas? Do you think she will share her cigar?"

His eyes flew open, and then he burst into disjointed laughter. I was captivated by the sight. He was flushed; his cheeks radiated heat. Sweat was pouring from his body, making his forehead sparkle.

I took the head of his cock between my lips, caressing it with the tip of my tongue, sucking slightly, and he stopped laughing.

"Baby… oh.. feel so… please don't stop."

I saw his fists clenching and unclenching, searching for any kind of support in thin air. His moaning and whimpering kept coming in shorter intervals, not even stopping when I slowed down. His breathing was loud and heavy.

He had stopped watching me some time ago; now his eyes were tightly shut, and he was lost in the feeling my tongue kept sending to his whole body.

My eyes weren't shut. I couldn't get enough of the show.

I increased my tempo for a while to bring him closer to edge, and when I encircled his head with my lips and started to hum, he arched his back in high arc.

"Holy shhhhh…. shit! Oh fuck… shhit!" The only time he was silent was when he needed to take a disjointed breath. Veins on his neck were full of blood, and when I reached up to touch his chest, I had a feeling I held his furiously thumping heart in my own hand.

I teased his balls with my left hand and the patch of sensitive skin behind them with my right. I hummed again, and when I felt his trembling increase, I pushed the tip of my index finger, without warning, into his tight hole and moved it in circles. The pleasure overtook him, and his back arched up high again; he tangled his fingers in his hair, and with my name on his lips, he came.

I felt stream after hot stream on my tongue, and I took it all, glancing up to his face, seeing rapture painted all over it. I watched waves of pleasure running through his body, his tense abdominal muscles sparkling in the moonlight.

When the last wave of wild pleasure died away, he sighed and covered his face with his forearm, wiping the sweat from his forehead.

"God, you are so beautiful like this." I moved up and pressed my body into his side, pulling his arm away from his face.

He traced my cheek with the back of his fingers, and I tried to tell him with my eyes all the things that my lips weren't able to say aloud. His fingers slid into my hair, and he tugged on it, making me sigh in pleasure. I didn't fight back when he took advantage of my parted lips and explored my mouth with his tongue. The thought of him tasting himself on my lips made my thumping heart beat even faster.

Lying on his chest, I could still feel his trembling.

"That was… you were … oh shit." He chuckled, and I couldn't stop my smile at his stuttering. Seeing him like this was almost as good as coming myself. Almost.

He reached between our bodies and palmed the bulge in my jeans. "Let me take care of you," he whispered and captured my lips with his again.

I stopped his teasing hand. "Not here, let's get home first." With one more kiss I got up and carefully buttoned my fly. The walk downhill would be painful, but I didn't want to spend the night there.

He tried to get up quickly, but his legs were too wobbly from all the attention I'd given to his body.

"Come here, love," I whispered and pulled him into my embrace, feeling hundreds of butterfly wings tickling my stomach from the sound of the word I'd just said. I nuzzled his cheek with my nose and then noticed his hair. One by one I pulled leaves from his strands, and he just stood there, smiling, not moving.

"You look like an Elf," I said, tracing his jaw with the tip of a fern leaf.

It took quite a while to make our clothes at least a bit presentable. When we were stumbling down the trail and the stairs through the dark forest, I entwined my fingers with his.

"Jasper? Best night hiking in my life."

...

I hadn't anticipated how difficult it would be to keep my hands off him on the train home. We would have had to change trains if going by subway, so we walked a bit farther and took the local train. We went just two stations, and although I had noticed earlier that local trains ran fast in Japan, my palms were still aching, because I was pressing my nails into them the whole time. Sitting across from him in the almost deserted train, watching his exhausted, relaxed body, knowing he was naked under his light sweatshirt, because _I_ had ruined his white shirt completely, and not being able to touch him was a pure torture. My mind pictured me taking him right on the spot and claiming him as mine in front of all those people. Instead, I was sitting there clenching and unclenching my fists.

Why are all Japanese trains so goddamn slow? I couldn't stop the impatient thought. We should have walked. That way I could steal a touch from him from time to time. I could brush the back of my hand against his. I could wrap my arm around his shoulder and squeeze; feel his muscles working against my touch. Maybe I could sneak my fingers behind his sweatshirt; not openly of course; very, very inconspicuously. I would hook my finger behind his waistband at his side and then slowly, very slowly move along his waistband, yeah, very slowly, and then when I'd reach the first dimple above his butt, I—

"Edward, are you coming?"

"Huh?"

Jasper was standing at the door that was already opening. "It's our station. Or do you want to keep riding?"

"No!" I bolted from my seat. No, definitely not.

It was late, but the street was still full of people. I reluctantly let go of Jasper's hand and eyed, with envy, the couples on the bridge across the Kamo River.

"I am starving. Do you know if we could have a late dinner in the ryokan?" I asked.

"Definitely not. It doesn't work that way. When you book a stay at a ryokan, you can choose if you want to have breakfast, both breakfast and dinner, or no meal at all. But you usually can't choose from a menu, and dinner is served too early to fit our evening schedule. So I booked only one dinner for our last day, just for the experience. Let's just grab something on our way; the ryokan closes at midnight."

That was another surprise; I hadn't anticipated that we could find the hotel closed.

"Well I am sure they would let us in, but it's not polite to come late without asking first," Jasper answered my next question.

Thankfully, the Gion Shijo station was fairly close to the ryokan, and we made it home in half an hour.

...

"That was quite a day, huh?" I chuckled while watching Jasper looking for some soda in the fridge.

He smirked at me, and with the can of soda in his hand he came closer. I took a step back and my shoulders hit the wall behind me.

"It was." He nodded and, without warning, pressed the ice-cold can to my stomach. I inhaled sharply in surprise.

"Edward?" He leaned to whisper in my ear. His lips were almost touching my skin, and I registered his wandering hand on my thigh. "These walls are by no means soundproof. And after all that teasing and torturing me up there," he said and attacked my neck with his teeth, making my legs wobble, "I have something for you too." He smirked, and my anticipation rocketed.

"I dare you to make a sound. If you do, I'll stop."

Oh. My. God.

"Do you understand?" he asked. "If you don't manage to stay quiet, _you_ will take care of _me_."

I opened my mouth to answer, but catching his cautionary look, I shut it and nodded.

He took a step back. "Why don't you start a bath? I feel like I still have dirt in my hair after you attacked me." He smirked and then opened his soda with a fizz. I was so captured by his eyes that I almost jumped up hearing that unexpected sound.

"Edward?"

I bolted toward the bathroom, slammed the door shut and leaned against it. My heart was already thumping like mad.

I am not going to make it to tomorrow, I thought.

I pulled my socks off so that they didn't get wet and started the bath. When I returned to the main room, I found Jasper sitting in the low armchair, flipping through TV channels, a new soda in his hand.

"Come here." He turned the TV off.

I eyed the soda warily but took a step closer anyway.

"Closer."

When I reached his parted legs, I stopped. I towered above him and desperately wanted to feel his lips on mine again.

He didn't say anything about it, did he? I thought. I'm not supposed to make a sound, but I can take the initiative, can't I?

I bent down and grazed his lips with mine. Jasper moaned in my mouth, and I regretted agreeing to his devilish plan. I would need to shut my ears, otherwise he would drive me crazy with the sounds he could make.

I felt him tugging on my shirt and got obediently on my knees. He leaned toward me and moved his nose along my jaw to my ear and whispered, "Do you remember the rule?"

I swallowed and silently nodded.

"Good. I remember your threatening me in the forest, you know? And I wonder where that came from? Is that your dirty fantasy, bad boy?"

I couldn't take my eyes off his cold soda. Drops of water were joining one another and trickling from the can down to the tatami under my knees. I was willing to bet that if any of them dropped onto my chest, it would sizzle and evaporate in seconds. The room had air-con, but I didn't feel its effect in that moment.

Jasper had apparently noticed my fascination. "Take off your shirt."

My fingers were trembling while I struggled with the buttons. The shirt still had stains of dirt from the forest ground on its elbows, and the thought of Jasper squirming under my hands sent shivers down my spine and into my groin.

I pressed my lips together.

I shouldn't have agreed to this game. I will implode from all those sounds, whimpers and moans I am suppose to contain.

I took a deep breath.

I need to forget the look on Jasper's face, the moonlight on his skin, the smell of wet soil, and especially… especially I need to forget his taste and the feeling of…yeah, _that_ is the first thing I need to forget right now. I took another deep breath to steady my racing mind.

I swear Jasper could feel what I felt at that moment.

"You have no idea how you looked in the forest, Edward," he said and leaned even closer.

I couldn't decide where to look. His whispering lips were drawing my attention, but the icy can was moving dangerously close to my chest. If he does without warning, what he did before, there is no chance I'll be able to stay silent, I thought. I could already feel the cold air that was surrounding the can in his hand.

"Edward? I don't think you are paying attention…"

I unwillingly averted my eyes from the soda.

"What is on your mind right now? Tell me."

"A snake…"

He raised his eyebrow in surprise.

"And a mouse," I added and returned my eyes to the soda again.

He chuckled. "Hmm, the snake does seem dangerous, doesn't it? Can you feel it cooling your body? It's not touching you, but you know… it's there… waiting." He moved the can toward my nipple, and when the icy air reached my heated skin, I felt my eyes rolling back into my head. When he suddenly pressed the icy-cold metal to my body, I grasped his knee to stay upright and gulped for air like a koi in a pond.

I swear … when my brain starts to function again… he will so pay for this.

He caressed my, now more than ever, sensitive skin with his lips and tongue, sending tingling to every part of my body. I dug my fingers into his flesh; the battle between the urge to express aloud what I was feeling, and the desire to carry out his command, was making my brain a whirling mess. I took a deep breath when he blew on my tortured skin. I was still on my knees, my legs shaking, a pleasant feeling spreading through my body. When there was a long pause, I opened my eyes.

"Do you know the feeling of a predator being just inches from its prey? Tell me."

"I do," I breathed out. "Your body is like that can."

He actually forgot to stay in his role. "What?"

When I could talk, I felt more like being in charge. I rested my right hand above his knee. "Your body has a protective bubble too. It's warm, not cold, but I can feel it with the tips of my fingers, and it drives me insane." I started to move my hand up his thigh.

"I watched you sleeping yesterday. I came to you like this and could feel the heat radiating from your inner thigh." I was moving my fingers slightly above his jeans, and I noticed that he couldn't avert his eyes from my hand. Encouraged, I continued. "I moved up to your crotch. Can you feel the heat from my hand, babe? I wanted to palm you so badly. But you were sleeping. So… innocent… I couldn't do it. So, I moved up. You still had no idea how close I was. I rested my palm above your heart and…" Should I say it aloud, should I, can I dare to?

He glanced up from my palm and whispered, "What?"

"I claimed it as mine."

His eyes widened and never left mine, even after I started to move again.

"There was a sound from the hallway, and I froze. My face was just this far from yours. And you were sleeping… and had no idea how dangerously close my teeth were to your neck." I moved again noticing that Jasper was frozen to his spot.

"I moved up to your face… and to your ear…" I was whispering and watching his involuntary shivering when my breath reached his skin. "And then to your neck. I was so close, and you still had no idea. All I wanted to do was to bite your neck."

And without warning I bit him for the second time this evening. He gave out a cry of surprise and pain that changed into a moan when I caressed his bitten skin with my warm tongue.

"You know, you didn't stand a chance. You were still sleeping, and you were already mine." I attacked his mouth aggressively to express all my needs and the insecurities I had during the last week. It must have looked like a fight.

We ended up on the tatami, me on my back, him sitting astride on my stomach.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.

I placed my index finger on my lips and shook my head.

"Tell me."

I repeated my gesture, this time pressing my finger to his lips. There was no chance I wanted to get on that carousel again.

He placed a kiss on the tip of my finger, then his lips moved to my palm, and then he traced the inner side of my arm with the tips of his fingers. It took everything I had in me not to burst out laughing. Jasper then bent down to my chest and with his tongue and teeth effectively ended my entire urge to giggle.

"Come, the bath must be ready," Jasper said.

I took off his sweatshirt. The two marks I'd left just below his collar line had started to darken already. I caressed them with the tips of my fingers and then my tongue again, placing soft open mouth kisses on both spots. Mine. Always.

"Yours."

Jasper's face was lit up by a tender smile, and my heart was soaring just because of this one word of his. I unbuttoned my jeans to take them off, but he stopped my hands.

"Leave them."

I looked at him surprised but remembered to stay quiet.

"You always wear a suit, these jeans drive me crazy. I want to see them soaking wet on your body."

I exhaled loudly and thought, leave it to Jasper to surprise me. I looked down at my faded grey jeans, already worn out at knees and ankles, loosened threads at their hems. Well, Jasper, I'll be happy to sleep with them on, if you ask me to.

He filled the bucket with water and pressed me against the wooden planks. Then he lifted the bucket up, ever so slowly, and in a thin stream started to pour water down my chest. I closed my eyes and hissed when the hot water touched my skin. I felt the stream reaching my jeans, slowly getting in, caressing my cock, tightening my balls and going along my left leg, leaving the right leg completely dry. I swear this man will be the death of me.

"Fuck!" I mouthed, careful to not make any sound. The left leg of my jeans was soaking wet, but the right and the back were completely dry. This unbalance was driving me crazy. Both legs of the jeans felt completely different on my skin, making my brain busy.

"More!" My lips were moving again, but I didn't make a sound.

I swear, Jasper, if you don't look at my lips and don't read what is written on them in capitals, I won't be responsible for my behavior.

I kept my eyes shut; staying in the dark was making it even more arousing.

I pulled him closer, wrapped my left leg around his hip and captured his lips with mine. When he splashed the whole bucket between us, hot water finally reaching my right leg, I bit his lip by accident.

His hair was still dry, which didn't seem right, considering we were _showering_. I lowered him on the small wooden stool and took the bucket from his hand. Enough teasing already.

I scooped a full bucket from the bathtub. He didn't pay attention, and when I turned the bucket upside down above his head, he couldn't suppress a cry of surprise.

Imagine, Jasper, that you _couldn't_ make this sound, I thought. I lifted another bucket and gently poured water down on him. Drops were rolling down his face, soaking his eyelashes; hot water was making his cheeks flushed. He reached for the waist of my jeans, and I dropped the empty bucket on the bathroom floor and placed my palms on the wooden planks above him for support. He had my cock in his mouth before I could get ready for his attack.

"Fuck!"

Oh, fuck. I did it.

"Edward?"

He let go and got up. I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, but he played along so well, that I actually felt ashamed, bowed my head and waited for my punishment. He placed his finger under my chin and lifted my head to look at me.

I jerked my head away from his touch, before my eyes could meet his.

"Hmm, you know the rules, don't you?" he said and then sat down on the low stool again. My dick was almost in his face, but he didn't pay attention. When I tried to adjust myself and button up my jeans again, he didn't allow it.

I washed his hair, still remembering the feeling of his lips on my skin. The anger caused by my insane situation was rocketing, mixing with regret that I hadn't managed to stay quiet. My fingers were sliding through the lather in his hair, but the intimate touch didn't ease my feelings. I got on my knees in front of him and silently begged him to touch me. But his eyes remained closed, and a dreamy look lingered on his face.

Does he keep his eyes closed, because he enjoys my touch so much, or because he doesn't want to see me?

I slid my hands down to his chest and pulled him into a kiss. He didn't fight back, but it didn't seem to me that he was too eager to return the kiss either. Oh God, he is serious with his game. I already felt terrible. How I am supposed to take care of him like this? I need his response, or fighting back, or _something_. I pressed my forehead to his chest, and he sighed but didn't move. I hadn't anticipated this. I was not sure if I could cope with this refusal. Knowing that it was a game didn't seem to help.

On second thought, is it a game? Maybe I did something worse? He won't leave, will he?

I rinsed the lather off his hair and didn't know what to do. I couldn't go back to the main room in my soaked jeans, and I didn't know if he wanted me in the bathroom with him. I stood there with the bucket in my hand and my teeth clenched. I couldn't look at him. I was sure I would see rejection in his eyes.

I blew it; he will leave; he doesn't want me to be here with him. I can never do anything right. I shouldn't have ruined his game. I can never be good enough for him. He will never —

"Baby? Are you all right?"

I shook my head. No, I am not.

He pulled me into his arms and whispered, "Do you want the game to end?"

Yes, yes, yes. "I am sorry, I knew it was a game, but I couldn't … I wasn't —"

"Shhh, that's all right. I am sorry, I should have known. I shouldn't have brought that up. Do you want to get in the tub?"

No, I shook my head again. I want out of this room as soon as possible.

...

I was lying on our joined futons, my palms and face as close to Jasper's chest as possible. I hoped my arms wouldn't be empty when I woke up in the morning.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I should've been more careful."

I squirmed even closer to him. "Stay with me, would you?"

"Always." He placed a kiss on my temple, and I sighed in relief.

"I liked the night hiking, Jas."


	9. Time to Celebrate

**Disclaimer**: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer

Many thanks to my pre-reader SwedenSara and to UKJay and afmtoo from Project Team Beta for their awesome help.

* * *

><p>AN:

Yukata dress

www. japan-guide. (c o m)/e/e2029_dress. html

Minamiza Kabuki Theatre

photos. wikimapia. (o r g)/ p/00/01/02/39/29_big. jpg

Kabuki

www. youtube. (c o m)/ watch?v=67-bgSFJiKc

Nijo Castle

en. wikipedia. (o r g)/wiki/Nij%C5%8D_Castle

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 9 – Time to Celebrate<strong>

_2007_

EPOV

For the first time during our stay we were woken up by a ringing of the phone. I glanced at my watch and gasped — it was already past eight o'clock.

I listened as Jasper talked to the front desk. His Japanese was fast, and I couldn't tell where one word ended, and where the next one began. Even talking over a phone he kept gesticulating with his free hand. He'd said once that it was a bad thing, and he shouldn't have kept doing it, especially in Japan, but he'd admitted it was too hard to break the habit.

Me? I found it adorable.

Jasper bowed politely and hung up. When he turned around and caught my gaze, he smiled shyly. "What?"

"Nothing." I smiled back. "I love it when you speak Japanese. I don't understand a word, but it makes me feel secure, knowing that you do."

"The maid will bring our breakfast soon. Morning, babe." He kneeled down on my futon and eyed me with a hint of worry.

"Morning. I am all right, really." I eyed the strands of hair falling down along his face and noticed my body telling me how much I in fact liked this protective and strong side of him. Lying below him and looking up to him sort of characterized our relationship. My constant searching for his help and approval. This need for having a strong person in my life was making me nervous and ashamed. Had he noticed? Was it the true reason why he'd called me 'baby'?

I raised my hand and traced Jasper's face with the back of my fingers, watching as he inhaled and, eyes closed, leaned against my touch. I kept moving my hand slowly, amused by the way Jasper followed me to keep the connection.

Why do I feel ashamed that I like him being stronger than me? I thought as I eyed his dreamy expression, wondering when he'd start to purr. He is bi. Will my submission make me look too feminine? He doesn't like to top — at least he said so. But he is bi, that doesn't make any sense. Does it mean he pretends to be a bottom to make me happy? Will I make him feel miserable?

"What are you thinking about?"

I didn't notice that I'd withdrawn my hand from his face. Jasper's eyes were open and worried again. I felt a pang of guilt.

"Nothing. Fuck breakfast." I ran my fingers through his hair and pulled him down to me.

"Shit, baby, stop, she'll be here in half an hour. Oh, shit. Do it again."

Half an hour. Am I up to the challenge? Half an hour is plenty of time, considering he is hard already. I smiled. "Oh, I love to. And this… and this too…"

"Shit!"

I briefly glanced at my wrist watch — thirty minutes, minus some time to get him out of her sight and get me dressed… I brought my fingers to my mouth to moisten them, determined to make him come in twenty-five.

...

A mischievous grin played around my lips as I opened the door half an hour later.

I got to know the maid during our stay; she spoke a little bit of English, and was nice and fun to talk to. We chatted while she was arranging the meal on our low table. Then I bowed just like Jasper would have done, and she left.

I leaned against the wall next to the bathroom door and knocked.

I loved his laughter. I loved his hand that grabbed my yukata and pulled me into the bathroom. I loved that he wasn't fully dressed yet. And his aftershave was making my knees weak.

"Breakfast is getting cold," I protested futilely.

"Fuck breakfast." He had his fingers already hooked behind my obi.

"Breakfast first." I tried again.

He chuckled. "And fucking later?"

"Shut up. How come you're not dressed yet?"

"Hmm, how come you're not shaved yet, huh?"

"Busy morning."

"I can tell." He chuckled and then there was that spark in his eyes. "I'll help you with the stubble, if you want…?"

"Your way?" I asked distrustfully.

"Of course my way, silly. At least you'll get to know what it's like to have a perfect shave." He smirked at me and grabbed his shaving gel, watching me expectantly.

"Uh, well, okay…"

"I'll take good care of you," he whispered before he leaned closer to kiss me.

I sat down on a low cabinet and watched Jasper filling the sink with hot water. "I don't get why you insist on using this medieval thing." I ran my fingers through bristles of the brush.

He stole the brush from my hand and put in the water. "You'll see and convert." He smirked and splashed some warm water on my face.

"No way." I smirked back.

The touch of the bristles on my face and neck was surprisingly pleasant. I parted my legs so that Jasper could stand closer, allowing him to apply a non-perfumed lather in long up-and-down strokes on my skin.

I couldn't resist; he was too close, too naked, and too irresistible. I slid my hand under the towel that hung on his hips, and he scowled at me. I caressed his inner thigh and played innocence the best I could.

Jasper set aside the brush and picked up a razor, waving it threateningly in front of my face. "Would you be that confident if I was shaving your balls?"

"I'd never let you come close to them with this." I faked horror. Okay, not so much faked. "I'll stick to the modern methods, thank you very much."

"So, let me do my work here… Are you deaf?"

I slid my hand further up. "Are you chicken? Not up to the challenge, huh?" My hand finally made the desired contact, and he inhaled sharply. Then he pressed his lips together and determinately placed the razor onto my cheek.

"Keep going, like I wasn't even here." I chuckled, but as soon as the razor began to move, I shut up. Teasing Jasper was one thing, but spilling my own blood was a totally different issue.

I was looking up at him, my gaze never leaving his face. Yeah, apart from occasional hissing or closing his eyes, he managed to stay focused and work like there was no teasing hand of mine. I loved the danger, loved the power I had over him, and loved the growing tent in my yukata.

The only sound in the bathroom was scraping of the razor sliding down my face and throat.

When he was done, he wriggled from my touch, rinsed my face with cold water and gently patted it with a dry towel. Then he rinsed his brush and razor and grabbed his aftershave. "Use this one today. It has no alcohol in it."

He smirked at my tent. "Good luck with that!"

"Oh, wait!"

"My breakfast is getting cold." He waved at me and left.

"Shit."

...

When I got out of the bathroom, he was already halfway through to breakfast menu.

It included roasted mackerel, rice, tofu in sauce, the Japanese version of an omelet, and pickles. Both of us got our own private pot over the tea candle with vegetable in broth and a pot of green tea.

"Where would you like to go?" Jasper asked, as I was pouring myself the tea. "The main events won't start until the afternoon and will then last late into the night. So we can go wherever you want."

"No, we are going to do what you'll choose. What would _you_ like?" I smiled at him.

"Well, thanks." He grinned at me. "What about the Nijo Castle?"

"Nijo Castle it is then."

After the breakfast, as we packed a few things for the day out, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders from behind and kissed his neck. "Hi, babe. You know, I have kind of a problem. Someone soaked my favorite jeans yesterday." I placed a kiss on the back of his shoulder. "You have no idea how hot it was, actually." I moved to the hair that was falling slightly over the rim of his collar and tugged. "I really loved it, you know."

I saw him placing his feet wider apart for balance and closing his eyes. I kept talking, placing kisses on his neck. "But the thing is… they are ruined for today… What do you think… will these jeans do?"

"Anything will do, if I get you out of it tonight," he breathed out.

I dropped the jeans I had been holding in my hand on the floor, and when he turned his head, I captured his lips with mine. Then I walked around him to have better access to his half-revealed chest. "Just where did you say we are going to go today?"

"Um, I…Nijo Castle? Maybe?"

"Uh-huh. What do you think? Will the castle still be there tomorrow?" I palmed his crotch.

"Oh… I… Well,… the thing is… will I kick you out of bed tomorrow?"

"Good point." I sighed and picked up my jeans from the floor. I noticed with satisfaction Jasper's leaning against the wall to catch his breath. Yeah, the sweetness of revenge…

"Cab or walk?" Jasper asked when we got out of the hotel.

It was a lovely morning. The sun was already high up and its strong rays were making sure we knew how hot the day would be, but right now the air was still pleasantly cold.

"Where are we going?"

"Gion Shijo."

"Walking." It was just about a half a mile to the Gion Shijo train station, and I loved the fact that I knew the way already. It made me feel at home. There was the Kamo River, just next to the station, and the Potoncho Alley with its lovely restaurants and verandahs was just across the bridge.

And besides, there was a Starbucks in the Gion Hotel on the way to the station.

We walked down the quiet backstreet, then went past the gate to the old Gion district, where we had been the first day, and then we turned right to a busy street that led directly to the underground train station.

"Shit!"

I hadn't gotten used to the left-hand drive layout, and if Jasper hadn't pulled me away, I would've ended up on the hood of the white Toyota.

The boy behind the wheel stuck his head out of the rolled down window, and as his Japanese staccato reached us, Jasper's fingers dug into my arm, and he hissed as he stepped between me and the driver.

Before he could say anything, though, the stream of cars farther up the street moved, and the driver stepped on the gas and drove away.

Jasper loosened his hand and let go of the breath, he was holding. "Shit. Man, you need to watch for cars coming from the other side when you cross the street. God, I haven't heard those swearwords since my school years." Then he cringed. "Yeah, I guess we deserved it."

"You must teach me some." My heart was still thumping like mad.

"Forget it. You can get us in trouble even without them."

"Huh, I need a —"

"Coffee. I know. But you'll buy it yourself. Really, man, what's so irresistible about coffee in the morning? I can't even bear the smell of it." He rolled his eyes.

"Try it and you'll convert," I said remembering our morning banter about shaving.

"No way." He smirked back, and I entered the cafeteria grinning like a fool.

When I came back several minutes later, I found Jasper absorbed in his guidebook. "Don't you know everything by heart already?"

"Hot coffee _and_ ice cream?" He eyed my full hands. "Are you nuts?"

"The ice cream is for you." I was handing him the raspberry ice cream from the nearby vendor.

Jasper looked like he was going to melt faster than my little gift. "Really?"

I liked how he wrapped his fingers around my hand and pulled me closer to take a nibble at the ice cream. I couldn't let go of the cone, and my eyes couldn't leave his. When his tongue circled the scoop, the temperature got somehow hotter. Then I noticed the pink drop on his lip, and I instinctively leaned closer to kiss it away.

When Jasper cleared his throat to bring me back from my trance, I swore and freed my fingers from the evil ice cream. "And you say _I_ will get us in trouble." I sighed, watching him sinking his teeth into the pink dessert. I wondered whether I could really feel jealousy towards food.

Both sides of the street were shaded by a green and white canopy with lanterns of the same colors. Yesterday evening the street was glowing, but today the feel of the Far East was gone, and all there was to look at were windows of little shops and restaurants.

We were almost at the station.

"Do we have the time _today_?" I stopped like a whiny kid.

Jasper licked the last drop of ice cream from his finger and looked at me. "What for?" Then he took in the surroundings and sighed. "Sure. Today is the day. Shoot."

"Can we go in?" I asked.

"No, it's hardly 10 AM. You don't really expect it to be open, do you?"

"Have you ever been?"

"In Tokyo? Twice — sort of," he said, and I noticed that he cringed and pressed his lips tightly together.

"Was it fun?"

"Honestly, Edward, I don't know you'd enjoy Kabuki. I mean, it's in Japanese, it's long, and the music is kind of loud." He was starting to be antsy.

I was looking up at the huge old building – The Kabuki Theater. There were some pictures from the performance at the entrance, and I had been circling around the theme since we had walked past the building for the first time. Jasper unfortunately didn't share my enthusiasm. He always changed the subject, making my curiosity grow even more.

"You went with the guys from your work?"

"Just drop it, okay?"

I was shocked by the tone of his voice. He was mad. Or hurt. Maybe both. And it was me who made him feel that way. I am such a jerk, I thought.

I came closer and joined him on the green railing that separated the small open area in front of the theater from the road. He was leaning against the railing, his face hidden behind his palm. And I realized that there was a whole load of the things that I didn't know about him. All our talks had been about me.

Have I ever asked him about his girlfriends or boyfriends? About his own break ups? No, I thought. Me, myself and I. That's my world and that's what I've been pushing on Jasper since we met. I am such a jerk. Do I even know how to make him happy instead of miserable? How can he even stand me?

I slowly traced a seam on his slacks with my finger tips. "I am sorry."

"What do you want to know?" His voice was muffled by his palm. "About Kabuki, I mean."

"Nothing, it's okay. I am sorry for being such a jerk."

Jasper sighed in frustration. "Honestly, I won't ever take you to Kabuki performance, so let's just get this over with. This," he pointed to the theatre, "is the Minamiza theater. It's the oldest Kabuki theater in Japan."

He took a deep breath and continued. "Kabuki itself is from the 17th century. You saw those pictures, didn't you? The actors – only men can take part – wear a heavy makeup and sophisticated costumes. They sing and dance and sometimes freeze in a pose, to make a bigger impression. People in the audience can shout at the actors and the atmosphere is quite… wild."

He cringed at the last word and got up, smiling bitterly. "Yeah, that's the way to put it… wild. Brian would laugh at the irony." He mumbled and turned around. "Can we go now?"

I was already one step behind him.

Brian.

Jasper had never mentioned any Brian.

My mind was racing, and I suddenly felt threatened by the name.

I don't want any Brian around him. Wild or not. I don't want to share Jasper with anyone. Are they still in touch?

I felt a strange pain in my stomach and needed to overcome the sudden urge to press Jasper against a nearby glass panel with rolling ads. To make the glass thud under our weight, to press my thigh between his and to attack his lips with mine.

I was overwhelmed by the possessiveness I suddenly felt. I couldn't do anything about it, though. Jasper looked so lost in his own thoughts that I was afraid to even touch him. I shoved my fists into the pockets of my jeans and followed him.

We crossed the street and ran down the stairs into the underground station. At the next station we changed to subway. The two sets of trains using the transport systems didn't share platforms, and even though they were conveniently adjacent where possible, getting from one to another could involve a long trip through corridors.

I tried to hide it from Jasper, but I loved the Japanese subway. It was fast and bright and clean, but what I liked the most —

"Edward?"

"One more, okay Jasper?"

"One?"

"Promise."

"Edward, come on. Don't they have a subway in Seattle? Have you noticed that it's always the same? What are you waiting for? That they miss the door once?"

"You're waiting for it too?"

"Edward, you are incorrigible."

"I have nine days off! I can't remember when I had nine days off. Even over Christmas it wasn't that many. One more. Sit, enjoy and shut up!"

"Okay, can we go now? They didn't miss, did they?"

"No, they didn't...?"

"Don't even think about it, we are leaving!"

Jasper was right, every time there was a train in sight, I turned into a five-year-old. And that was why we weren't at Nijo already. That was why we were sitting in the subway station, watching sliding doors. The rails were separated from the platform by a glass wall with sliding doors. So, when the train came, it had to stop exactly on one spot so that every two pairs of sliding doors — the glass ones and the train's — matched. I hoped that one day, maybe, the driver would make a mistake, the door wouldn't match, and I would laugh my ass off.

"Edward, don't you think that all those trains are operated by some sophisticated software? So, the driver doesn't need to push the button to stop? Hell, there maybe isn't even a driver!"

"Calm down. I know. But where is the fun in that?"

Jasper gaped at me with his mouth open, and then he raised his hands. "I give up."

...

The first impression from the Nijo Castle was _a city within a city_. A lot of both large and small buildings, many gates and several gardens on extremely large area. There were lots of visitors, but the inside squares were so large that the castle didn't feel crowded.

It reminded me of the Chinese Forbidden City in Beijing. I remember dad having a postcard from one of his friends when I was a boy. It pictured the city from above. He kept it in his bookcase, and I even used it once as a bookmark. I loved the picture, and dad didn't mind my borrowing it, but I had to be careful not to lose it.

"See something you like? Where did that broad smile come from?" Jasper wrapped his arm around my shoulder as we walked around.

"Better. I see something I know." I looked around. "You know my dad had a postcard of the Forbidden City in Beijing when I was a kid. It was photographed from above, and I loved to pretend it was a big maze. I planned where to hide, where I would live, and which path in that maze I would take to sneak to my friends' houses. Do you have a bird's eye?"

"Sure I do." Jasper was keen to know more. "What do you think?"

"Oh, that's different." I was a bit disappointed. "There were just tiny gardens on the postcard, lots of buildings with alleys and small gates and courtyards, especially in the rear part. That was the part where people lived. There were large buildings in front with really large paved squares like in this castle. I guess they were that large so that all the military fitted in during a parade, I don't know."

"On the other hand," I looked at the plan of Nijo in Jasper's book, "this place would be fun to live in too. Which house would you choose?"

"Yours."

My stomach clenched, and my breath hitched as I stared at him. Then I took the book from his hand; he wasn't looking in it anyway. I took a step toward him and put my arms around his waist.

"I love you, Jasper," I breathed out. "It took me an insane amount of time to recognize the feeling, but now I know I love you."

I didn't wait for his answer and pressed my lips to his. I knew I shouldn't have; we were standing in the middle of a large square with lots of people around, but I couldn't stop myself. I almost lost him once because of my hesitancy and doubts and shame, I could never let that happen again.

When our lips parted, I whispered in hurried tempo, "I know I shouldn't have kissed you here in front of all these people, and I know it's probably early, but I was afraid the other day that I'd lost you already, that it was too late, I can't let that happen. I don't know what I would do without you, you pulled me out of that dark hole every time, and you know me like no one else does, not because I told you, but because you care, and you wanted to know, but I was so afraid that I had scared you away by the way I was lately, and…and…" I needed to catch my breath.

Jasper just stood there, smiling. "Done?"

"Umm, for now I guess?"

"I love you too, Edward. I have for a long time. You couldn't have scared me or pushed me away even if you tried. I knew there was nobody else I wanted to spend my future with. Only you."

And the world stopped. The birds flying above the castle stopped flapping their wings and froze in the air; the wind stopped blowing, and all people at the square disappeared. He returned my kiss, and I hoped that if we got arrested because of public nuisance, we'd spend the time in jail together. Because there was no way I would remind him of the warning he'd given me several days ago, and I definitely wasn't about to complain about the way he was kissing me.

* * *

><p>AN: Thank you very much for reading and reviewing.


	10. Obon

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer

Many thanks to my pre-reader SwedenSara and to UKJay and afmtoo from Project Team Beta for their awesome help and their suggestions.

* * *

><p>AN:

I would like to thank mw138 for mentioning the story on Jasper's darlings. You made my day :)

Also, many thanks to all of you who reviewed, put the story on alert or added it to your favorites. I am so glad you enjoy it.

beanothercullen was wondering about Mergers and Acquisitions. I've added a note to the first chapter. Also, the website seems to handle hyperlinks differently now, so I will update A/N in several more chapters too.

* * *

><p>Pictures for the story:<p>

The Obon horse and cow Jasper talked about (a pic)

: / / haikugirl. me/2010/07/09/obon-horses-and-cows/

Arashiyama, Bamboo forest and the Sagano romantic train

: / / www. japan-guide. (c o m)/ e/e3912. html

Arashiyama lantern festival

www. flickr. (c o m)/ photos/jussipanula/6048964767/in/set-72157627322563005/

Lanterns at Hirowava pond

youtu. be/z69mYpXG_r4

Gozan no okubiri – what E and J could have seen

youtu. be/hM0uqaqBjsw

Gozan no okubiri – the rest of the fire characters above Kyoto

youtu. be/x0E-wnmJ7C4

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 10 – Obon<strong>

_2011_

EPOV

I trace Jasper's face with my finger. I've been staring at the picture for ever. I gave up on sleeping a while ago and turned on my laptop, skimming through my picture album.

This photo is one of my favorite ones.

Jasper is laughing, and his fingers are clutching the shirt on my chest — in fact my chest is the only part of me that you can see on that pic. I'd moved the hand that held the cell phone, effectively cutting myself out of the picture and making Jasper slightly blurry.

I remember cuddling with Jas on the couch in Tokyo weeks later. He was downloading all the pictures from his cell to his laptop, and I was playing with his hair, watching the slideshow. He deleted the picture without a second thought, saying that he looked awful in it, and I wasn't even there. The rainbow rays caused by the Sun, shining directly into the lens sealed the doom for the pic.

I secretly dug it out of the recycle bin that evening. I wasn't ready to explain to Jasper how I loved the blurriness of the picture that softened his features, making his hair glow. I wasn't ready to explain that the holographic effect of usually-invisible rays of sunshine above the Nijo was making my heart melt.

It was like even the sun loved my boyfriend and wanted to touch him.

I still don't know much about the Nijo Castle. Other than we shared our feelings there. I don't remember the colors of the castle, but I know the blue shirt Jasper wore did wonders for his eyes. I don't know how many gardens we saw, but I am sure we found our bench in each of them. I don't remember if we were allowed to explore the whole compound, but I was painfully aware that I couldn't explore Jasper's body the way I craved to.

**...**

_2007_

EPOV

The driver on subway didn't miss the glass doors in the station this time either, but if Jasper didn't tell me with his mischievous grin, I wouldn't have noticed myself. We were heading somewhere west, don't ask me where, because the only thing my mind had captured was that perhaps we would have time just for us.

We changed from the subway to a train, and when we got off, I smelled water in the air.

"A lake?"

"A river. Are you a sailor or what?" Jasper looked at me with a question in his eyes and then led me south, along a busy street, to a bridge.

"We are in Arashiyama, just on the outskirts of Kyoto," Jasper, playing tour guide, announced. "It's a popular place to visit during spring, when sakura bloom. They call the holiday Hanami. It's one word in Japanese, but you need two characters to write it – hana – a flower and mi – to look. It's a very popular holiday; all parks get crowded, and people have picnics everywhere near sakura trees. They even make a sakura flavored ice cream. The hana character is quite pretty by the way. It does remind me of branches and flowers." He smiled.

"Hanami, huh? You mentioned it once, in the koi garden, didn't you? What was that other word? You said you would have liked to see it in autumn."

"Hmm, momiji?"

"Yeah, that sounds like it. I remember thinking that I would go to see anything with you, even though I had no idea what you were talking about."

Jasper smiled, wrapped his arm around my shoulders, and leaned against my side as we walked across the bridge.

"So, do I get to know what we are going to see in autumn?" I smirked at him.

"Momiji is also written in two characters. They mean 'red' and 'a leaf.' If you write them together, it means 'autumn.' It's the way Japanese works; you join different characters together, and you get a new word. But I really love this one. I don't know much about it, but for me, it says something about the love ancient Japanese people felt for the nature."

We stopped at the middle of the bridge and leaned against the wooden handrails.

"It's also the name of one type of Japanese maple tree. Like hanami in spring, enjoying momiji in autumn is an old tradition. They even show it on TV every day or so, in which areas you can already see leaves turning red, and where they already have the deep color, or where flower buds are still closed, and where they already started to unfold in spring."

"Wow, that's something."

Jasper noticed my amusement and elbowed my ribs. "Don't be a jerk. It really is beautiful, you know? Some areas or gardens get really popular during that time." He looked around and added in quiet voice, "I would love to see it with you one day."

I wasn't very tactful. "Haven't you already? You've been living here for six years now."

Jasper looked at me, and after a while he said, "Alone. How did you put it on the subway? Where is the fun in that?"

We were now standing face to face, my back pressed to the handrails, Jasper's hand resting on it just next to me. I could feel his thumb touching my ribs. He reached toward the handrails with his other hand, effectively cutting off my escape. Not that I thought about escaping. I stayed trapped more than willingly.

I felt the warmth of his thumbs through my thin shirt, and the electricity from his touch spread through my body. I couldn't take my eyes off his lips.

I can't, I can't, I shouldn't, I ought not to… must not… not allowed to, but shit! I need to.

I slowly licked my lips, and not taking my eyes off his, I reached for the collar of his shirt and leaned closer. The closer I got, the stronger pull I felt. I could already feel his breath on my face. Two inches more. I felt his right hand moving from the wooden handrails to my back. One inch. His hand already between my shoulder blades pushed my body to his, and I finally felt his lips on mine.

I didn't deepen the kiss, but when our lips parted my heart was thumping like mad. I rested my forehead on his shoulder. I couldn't believe it. I was in the closet in Seattle because of my insecurities. And here I was thousands miles away, closeted yet again, this time because of our respect to a different culture. Now, where was the fun in _that_?

"Let's get to the island and see how the preparation for Obon goes," Jasper said in hoarse voice as he pulled away.

We crossed the bridge and wandered along the water's edge, eyeing hundreds of lanterns arranged on the ground and in the tents that were already pitched near the water.

"When does it start?"

"Around seven. We have several hours left. How about a lunch?" he asked.

We found a restaurant facing the river. Jasper immersed himself in reading a menu, and I watched couples on rowboats.

"Are you hungry?" he asked from behind the menu.

"Starving."

"What about Gyoza and Yakisoba?"

"Depends on what it is, you know…"

Jasper put the menu down and rolled his eyes at me. "Gyoza are dumplings with meat and vegetable filling and sauce. Yakisoba means fried noodles. Honestly, I don't know if it goes well together, but I'd like to try the local version of both, and it's not a fish." He winked at me.

I chuckled. "Thanks, one or two fish for every breakfast-time is really enough. So, what will happen tonight?" Seeing the sudden amusement in Jasper's eyes, I bit my lip. "I mean here… Obon, remember?" I reached for a pair of chopsticks and then briefly glanced back at him, grinning.

"Oh, you meant Obon, right… Baby, I'd tell you exactly what will happen, but the images I'd paint in your mind." He leaned closer, and I needed to take a deep breath when I felt his fingers moving up my thigh, "yeah, they would make your hands shake."

He eyed my hands on the table between us, and I curled my fingers into fists so that he wouldn't see —

"Too late, baby." He chuckled. "The chopsticks are still a challenge for you, so let's not make it even harder." He put emphasis on harder, and I jumped up to — well, to do something, anything, but he quickly leaned back.

"Okay! I get it, man, Obon…" But then he looked at me, and I at him, and the wordless, passionate exchange that followed made my palms sweat.

I was the first to break the eye contact, and I grabbed the chopsticks again to keep my trembling fingers busy. The evening and the privacy of our hotel room couldn't come fast enough.

Jasper had a broad smile on his face as he relaxed in his chair and switched to tour guide mode again. "I told you that Obon is a festival of the Dead. In some areas, in Tokyo for example, it's held in July, but it starts August 13 in Kyoto. We were in…" he paused. "Never mind. People light—"

I'd already done the math. Monday. "The Golden Pavilion…"

"Yes," he said quietly, and then he softly added, "You know, not everything that happened in that garden was bad." He looked at me with a smile. "You said you loved me that day."

I stopped toying with the chopsticks.

"It helped me a lot to get through all the downs," he admitted quietly.

I was stunned. Not because I didn't remember, but because I'd actually managed to say it so long ago.

"Perhaps my heart already knew." I covered his hand with mine.

Unfortunately, we were disturbed by the waitress bringing our meals. It looked delicious. I had noodles, and Jasper grabbed dumplings.

"Hmm, the noodles smell delicious, but the dumplings _look_ delicious." I smirked when looking at his plate. The dumplings were quite big, moon-shaped, and one of their sides was golden fried. They were served with vegetables and a bowl of brown sauce.

"I bet both will _taste_ delicious. Dig in."

They did. To tell the truth, we switched our plates halfway through.

"So," I asked, when we'd ordered a large pot of green tea. "How does Obon start?"

"During Obon people invite their ancestors' spirits back to their homes. Everyone wants to spend these days in his hometown together with his family. That's why traveling is not easy now; the whole country is on the move.

"People light lanterns in front of their houses and also make a small altar, either in front of their houses, or inside, with fruit and vegetables and other offerings. Some also light a small fire on a tray and place it on the ground in front of their home.

"On that first day people go to their family grave to invite the spirits back home. The last day is August 16, and it is a bit similar, I mean the fire, lanterns, and the visit to a cemetery.

"Do you want me to order another pot?" he added.

"No, I'm good. Do you think we could rent one of these rowboats?"

"Come." Jasper smiled.

**...**

The water slowed as it reached the bend, making it easy to row and talk. I took the oars, and let Jasper sit at the stern of the boat.

"I still don't know why we've come here on the last day of Obon, you know?" I reminded him.

"Arashiyama is one of many places in Japan where you can watch a floating lantern ceremony."

He smiled when he saw my reaction. "Yes, it's as beautiful as you can imagine. It's held to send ancestors' spirits back to their world. You can also buy a lantern, write a prayer or your wishes on it and send it on its way together with the others.

"When someone dies in Japan, it's believed that his spirit stays in our world for forty-nine days. The first Obon after that period is called Hatsubon. That one is the most important. Hatsubon is celebrated in many ways. I heard that some families make a horse and a cow from vegetables — from cucumber for example — using wooden sticks for the legs. Horse, because it runs fast, so the spirit of the dead can come quickly to his family. A cow moves slowly, so they make a cow to express a wish that the spirit stays with the family for longer time…What?"

"I love listening to you."

"Come here."

We sat down on the bottom of the boat, checking every once in a while how far away we'd drifted, and if we were in the way of the others. It was still an early afternoon, and there were just several other boats on the water. The weather was nice, and the boat sheltered us against the light breeze. Jasper's body was so warm, so soft, and so conveniently close…

"I don't want to go back to Tokyo," I sighed and rested my head on his shoulder.

"What about Seattle when your work in Japan is done?"

My fingers stopped playing with the button on his shirt, and I frowned. Yeah, what about Seattle? Are we ready for that conversation? Will Jasper leave Japan? Will it be a long distance relationship? Will he break up with me? Will we live together? Come out? No, I am so not ready for this talk.

"Baby steps, right? Tokyo is definitely better than Seattle. We'll see." I sat down on the bench, rowed the boat further up the river and joined Jasper at the bottom of the boat again.

"I like this secret place of ours." I grinned and captured his lips with mine, my fingers running through his hair. The sun had warmed the boat, and Jasper's mild scent was mixing with the smell of paint and wood. My mind registered the gentle slapping of the water hitting the side of the boat just inches from our bodies. The sounds of the rest of the world — kids' laughing, teenagers' whooping, sounds of cars driving across the bridge — everything was muffled and far away.

Jasper filled my entire mind, and there wasn't a place for anything else in my brain. I unbuttoned the first two buttons on his shirt and slipped my hand under his collar, massaging his shoulder. He sighed in pleasure, and encouraged I moved my hand to his abdomen and then lower.

When my hand wandered to his crotch, he stopped me.

"Baby, the risk of being caught really turns me on…"

"That I can see."

"But I don't know what would happen if we did get caught. Like _really_ don't know. It could be anything from nothing to nasty."

"You're being the voice of reason."

"At least one of us should be." He chuckled and pulled me closer.

**...**

"Wow!"

We stood in the middle of a trail, our necks bent painfully backwards.

"How tall do you think they are?

"Cloud-reaching. Honestly, I have no idea. Feels like we are two ants in high grass."

Tall, straight bamboo stalks, with almost no leaves, were everywhere. We were in the middle of a bamboo forest, not far from the river.

We walked along the designated path, the back of our hands touching every now and then. My heart was swelling with happiness — the feeling I had been afraid I might never experience again.

When we walked out of the forest, Jasper look carefully around and then secretly stole a kiss from me. "Time for a surprise for our five-year-old. Come with me!"

"You know there are no sliding doors, but I hope you'll love it. It's called the Sagano romantic train." He smiled when we reached the station of the scenic railway.

The journey took about half an hour, and I didn't let go of his hand the entire time. The train followed the course of the Hozu River on a narrow-gauge track through the canyon, from Arashiyama to Kameoka area.

Naturally, we bought return tickets. Both the view from the window and the view of Jasper by the said window, made my heart flutter.

"It's almost time to go back to the river. There is also another place where we can watch floating lanterns in the town. I hope we can make it there tonight too," Jasper said when we got off the train.

There were hundreds of lanterns attached to wooden pads ready to be set afloat. They were all the same design, three colors, white, red, and blue in color. Around seven o'clock, people started to bring lit lanterns to a small water catwalk. Men on the catwalk carefully placed lanterns on the water surface, using their hands or long sticks with hooks at the end, and they set them afloat. One by one, the lanterns floated away.

We stood on the bridge together with hundreds of other people and watched the show.

"This is beautiful, Jasper. Where will they end up?"

"Do you want the romance or the truth?"

"Both. Truth first, please."

"They are probably pulled out of the water several miles down the river. Some towns even canceled this tradition because of possible water pollution."

"And the romance?"

"The romantic answer is they will flow to the other world to light up the way for spirits of those that are not among us any more." Jasper's voice broke at the last words, and I turned around in alarm.

"Jas?"

He shook his head and pointed to the river. "Enjoy the view."

I turned back to face the river again, but I took his hands and wrapped them around my stomach and leaned against him. Whatever it was that bothered him made me worried.

We watched the lanterns disappearing around the river bend. New ones were placed on the water surface, and the river took them and carried them away.

Jasper then suggested that we could take a cab and watch the ceremony at the huge Hirosawa pond.

**...**

"Let's buy us some lanterns." Jasper led me to a place that was filled with a crowd of people. These lanterns were in different colors - red, white, yellow, blue and purple. We bought two and sat down at one of many tables that were temporarily placed near the pond. A part of the waterproof paper was easy to remove from the lantern, so that people could write their wishes on it.

I didn't look at Jasper's lantern when he was done. I knew how difficult it was for me to come up with my wish, and how private it felt. I mean, it wasn't that I believed that my wish would be granted, but I _wanted_ to believe. It was an opportunity to think about what I would like to have in my life.

I mindlessly tapped the borrowed pen on the table, not sure how to approach the task.

Jasper suddenly looked at his watch and blurted, "Edward, grab it and come, we'll finish it later."

We joined other people who stood at the open area and looked in one direction — into the darkness.

"Jasper?"

"Trust me."

"Oh My God! Jasper, look at that!" My voice was quickly drowned by the cheering and clapping of the others. I felt Jasper's chin on my shoulder.

"I can see it, baby. Beautiful, isn't it?"

There was a fire on the opposite hill. Not one, many. All of them were ignited almost simultaneously. Big bonfires, one next to another. They formed a Japanese character.

"What does it mean?"

"A gate. There are five of them on the hills around Kyoto tonight. The 'Big' or 'Great' was lighted at eight o'clock; the next two, which make up the word 'Myo-ho' that means 'wondrous teaching of Buddha', followed at 8.10. At 8.15 they lighted up fires that are shaped to a drawing of a ship and another character that means 'big.' This one was lighted as the last. Together they are called Gozan-no-okubiri. Maybe we can see the rest of them too. I am not sure how long the fires burn, though."

"Jasper, I don't need to. This is so beautiful. Thank you for the surprise. I'd have never expected this. Thanks." I secretly entwined my fingers with his and watched the opposite hill. The bonfires must have been huge. The area around them was lightened by the fire, and we could even see people with torches setting the last dots that formed the Japanese character in fire.

We returned to our table after a while. I stared at the paper. Don't I have everything already? I thought.

I moved my thigh under the table towards Jasper's. When he felt the touch, he glanced up at me.

"I don't know what to write, I already have everything I could wish for."

He rested his hand on my thigh and smiled. "I am sure you can come up with something. If it is possible for me to fulfill it, I'll be happy to."

"You know, I feel like a little baby with all your attention and care." I laughed.

"No, you are feeling pampered. I like how happy you've looked the whole day."

My eyes left Jasper. I replayed today in my head. The morning, the bathroom, the jeans, the subway, the castle, oh the castle… the bottom of that little boat, Jasper's hand in mine on the train… not one breakdown. I shifted my gaze back to Jasper again and smiled. "I _feel_ happy."

I looked at the paper in front of me. I would like to have Jas in my life forever. I would like for both of us to come out without hassle. And if it's not smooth, to still have each other to overcome all problems. I would love to feel the support of my family. Yeah, I knew what to write after all.

We brought our lanterns to the water's edge. They were loaded onto several rowboats, and the men took them farther from the bank. They kept doing it the entire evening, as people kept coming.

The boats, and the pond itself, glowed into the night. We found a remote place to sit down near the water's edge and watched the boat carrying our lanterns. It took several minutes for the men to reach the central part of the pond and carefully unload all lanterns.

The wind was blowing just very lightly, and the lanterns flowed slowly in different directions, hundreds of them scattered across the large pond. They didn't move as fast as the ones in Arashiyama. The fiery character was still lighting up the sky farther above the pond.

I watched the orange of the fire and the colorful mix of lanterns and listened to the quiet traditional Japanese music that had been lingering above the pond since the ceremony had started. I felt wonderful.

"Thank you for today," I said and turned around to look at Jasper who was sitting further behind me.

I caught him wiping his eye with his palm.

"I am glad you liked it." He smiled.

"Love? Are those happy tears? It doesn't look like it. What's happened?" I started to worry. I was the moody one. Jasper was supposed to be the strong person. If he broke down, who would pull me out of my misery every time?

He bit his lip and shook his head. "It's nothing, really. I am all right."

I moved so I would be sitting behind him and pulled him closer to my chest. I rested my chin on his shoulder and whispered, "Do you want to tell me?"

He shook his head again, and then he broke my embrace and rested his head on his knee. "I just… I hoped it would get easier over the years." He wiped away the new tear, and I was close to panic. I didn't know this Jasper. He had always been here to save me. I'd seen him cry once or twice, but I realized, with a pang of guilt, that it was always because of me. But this…

I glanced at him nervously. He was watching the lanterns slowly moving across the pond.

I wanted to ask, but then I remembered that he actually hadn't wanted to tell me, and I kept my mouth shut.

We sat there for a long time, both of us lost in our own thoughts.

"Ready to go home?" Jasper turned around to look at me. "Maybe we still get to see bon odori in the city."

Hesitantly, I leaned closer, not knowing if he was in the mood. But there were only a few people around, and it made me heartbroken to see him sad like that. I placed a feather-light kiss on his cheek, then moved to the corner of his eye and kissed it too. I brought my lips to his ear and whispered, "I love you, Jas. I am sorry that you feel sad. If there is something I can do, please tell me." I placed a kiss behind his ear and buried my face in the crook of his neck.

"You've already helped," he said and his lips found mine. He kissed me, not paying attention to anybody who may have wandered in our direction. He started slowly, but soon the kiss became feral and hungry, like he was trying to drown himself in it. He leaned backwards to me and laid down into my lap. I hovered above his chest, kissing him and reminding myself all the time that I couldn't take it any further. When our lips finally parted, his were slightly swollen, and his eyes had again that spark I loved.

Good, the old strong Jasper is back and my world has its steady central point to rotate around, I thought.

It was slightly after ten when we got out of the cab near the old city. When we heard Japanese music, we followed the sound. There were lanterns hanging in trees and on a wire across the park. There was also a small stage in the middle. Several women in traditional dress danced on the stage. They were walking around the stage, pausing or making sidesteps and moving their hands and clapping. The dance was slow and seemed easy to follow. At the area around the stage were people both in traditional and modern dresses, mimicking the dance of the women and moving slowly around the stage. I saw several tourists dancing too.

"Bon odori! We must try this!" Jasper laughed and took my hand.

I must admit, I would have never joined the crowd if it wasn't for him. I felt rather silly moving my hands around and above my head. I didn't have the grace and the wide sleeves like the women on the stage had. But we circled the stage twice, and it was fun.

We went to the restaurant at Pontocho again. The streets were full of people and several times we saw geisha or maiko going to or coming from or to work. Jasper explained that they entertained guests of restaurants, not with flirting, but with conversation, and they also performed dancing or playing music in clubs or theaters.

"So, what would you like?" Jasper asked me, reading a menu.

"Those dumplings were delicious. I wouldn't mind to have them again."

"Great, me neither. I'll order Yakitori and Donburi too. Don't worry, you'll like it."

He actually ordered five dishes, and we ate them all. We shared the Gyoza dumplings. Yakitori appeared to be chicken pieces on skewers. It was delicious, and we didn't need to share, because Jasper wisely ordered two servings. Donburi was cooked rice topped with meat and vegetables in a thick sauce. Mine was with pork, potato and broccoli, Jasper had deep fried vegetable with a different sauce.

"Thanks for showing me that not every Japanese meal includes fish. It was fantastic. All of it. Maybe you'll have to roll me to the hotel though. I am full." I smiled while we drank sake and watched the river.

"Perhaps I should start, it's nearly midnight. The staff will close the hotel soon." He reminded me, and so we drank up and headed home.

**...  
><strong>

I was lying in the bathtub—well, more sitting than lying actually—the tub wasn't long enough. Maybe we could try that public bath after all. There would be more room for relaxing for sure. Strange, the tub feels okay when I share it with Jasper, I thought.

I heard a soft knock on the door and chuckled. Speak of the Devil…

"Are you decent, honey?"

I burst out laughing. Jasper opened the door with a grin on his face and a drink in his hand. "I always wanted to say that one." He shrugged and handed me the bourbon.

"Thanks. Good choice…" I raised the glass. "I've already started to feel homesick."

"Want me to find a Western place to dine out tomorrow?"

"You mean… steak maybe?"

I guess my face brightened like a Christmas morning, because Jasper laughed and nodded. "Deal."

He sat down on the stool and leaned against the tub. I was playing with his hair, leaving wet spots on his dark blue long sleeved button down shirt. "Did you enjoy yourself today?"

"You need to ask, baby?"

I dipped my fingers in the water and let the water drip on his shoulder. "No. But I would love to hear you say it." Another splash on his already water stained shirt.

"Edward? What is it exactly that you are doing?"

"Umm, ruining your gorgeous shirt, maybe?" I said innocently.

I didn't see it coming. He reached under the water, and I inhaled sharply in surprise.

"Is it waterproof?" I asked.

"Shit!" He pulled his arm out of the water and started to remove his watch. "Get out!"

I winked. "Hmm, get in."

He considered it briefly, but then he shook his head. "I am going to save this little baby. No need to have a fish tank on my wrist."

"Come here, I'll buy you another one." I wasn't about to give up so easily.

"It was a gift from my father." He waved on his way out.

I sighed and slid under the water. I always loved those muffled sounds and humming of blood in my ears. I tried to remember what Jasper's watch looked like. He wore it all the time, it was just a part of him, but I never paid close attention, never knew it was a gift.

Then I remembered Logan. I used to bring him small gifts from every business trip I needed to go on. It was my way to apologize for my time away from him.

I wonder if Logan still has them… I should have talked to him before he left. I should have tried to find him. Well, I had tried, but apparently not hard enough. I should have made it right. I should have never… I felt out of breath.

I surfaced from the water, gulping for air. The second my lungs filled, I felt Jasper's lips on mine. He didn't need to ask my permission, my lips were already parted. He nibbled on my lips and then dipped his tongue in my mouth. I sucked in a breath as I felt his hand exploring my body under the water. When his hand wandered to my crotch, and he started to play with my balls, I found myself drowning, even though I had my head above water.

My left hand went to his neck, and my thumb started to draw circles on his skin. He moaned into the kiss, and I pulled myself up, my other hand leaving dark blue handprints on his shirt.

"You have no idea how hard it was to see you under water again. It took everything I had in me to not pull you out. What did you think about down there?"

"I can't remember," I breathed out.

He was placing open mouth kisses on my neck, nibbling on it and grazing it with his teeth.

"Out," he mumbled against my skin, "of the water. Now."

He let me sit down on the rim of the tub. Drops of water were slowly trickling from my hair, rolling down on my skin, teasing my senses. I bent my neck backwards, closing my eyes, taking deep breaths. He hadn't touched me yet; his hand was just hovering above my thigh, but the anticipation made me dizzy.

I grasped the rim of the tub, sitting there with my eyes closed and my heart pounding.

Touch me, Jas! Everything in me was screaming at him, and my imagination was running wild.

And then I finally felt his lips on mine.

He started slowly, nibbling on my lips, taking them between his teeth. I wrapped my arms around him, my nails leaving traces on his shirt, as I was sliding my hands down his back.

He moved lower, biting on my jaw, sucking on my skin, and I grabbed his wandering hand and put it above my thumping heart to let him know what his simple touch was doing to me. I loved the feeling of his lips curling up against my skin in a smile. My fingers entwined with his, keeping his hand on my chest.

"Kiss me, Jas," I breathed out in sudden need to suck his tongue in, to taste him, to have him as close as possible, to become one. He didn't protest, and I leaned into the kiss.

Jasper's free hand mimicked the movement of the drops on my body, and his fingers were sliding down from my jaw.

Feeling his fingertips on my neck was heaven. So was the tickling of his hair on my chest when he nibbled his way down my body. I didn't try to stop a moan from escaping when he took my nipple between his teeth. I was too far away, my eyes closed, my back slowly arching backwards.

"Whoa, stay with me, babe." He chuckled and grasped my arm before I could fall into the tub.

"You have no idea," I breathed out. "No idea what you are doing to me."

"Oh, I have, baby." He started to nibble on my quivering abs and slowly knelt down in front of me.

He wrapped his left arm around the small of my back to keep me in place, and his other hand slowly traced my inner thigh. The further up he moved, the more my teeth were clenched. His touch was sending sparks into my body, and when he finally wrapped his fingers around my balls, I exhaled loudly, releasing the air I didn't know I'd been holding.

His fingers were doing their magic, rolling, tugging and squeezing, but when he released one and kept just one of my balls in his hand, I opened my eyes. He was a master of unbalance. I recalled yesterday's wet jeans and bit my lip.

"Jas, you can't, really…"

He silently grinned at me and started his teasing game lightly and slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. His fingers were wrapped around my testicle, letting it slide in and out of his fist, his thumb squeezing it at the right spot. But he was touching just one, and this unbalance was like a torture for me. A sweet torture.

When he saw pleasure painted all over my face, he added more pressure. I was becoming a writhing mess under his touch. It felt as if an electric current ran through his fingers. The tingling, that had started in my groin at the beginning, was now uncontrollably running along my spine to the back of my head. When he added even more pressure, my eyes flew wide open again, and I glanced down at him.

He was watching me carefully, probably paying attention to any sign of any unbearable pain. He'd said once that he liked sex rough, and I was surprised how much my body was eager to take; the pleasure from his touch was always outweighing the discomfort.

"Yeah, baby?" he asked.

"More, I need more … oh my… Jasper! Are you …shit! Are you crazy?"

He is, I thought. He definitely is. And my body is too. Otherwise I wouldn't like his teeth on the side of my cock, nibbling and tugging on my skin.

I was close to panting and my fingers were digging into his shoulder. Pain mixed with pleasure sent a swarm of butterflies into my stomach. He was working on my left ball again, and I felt as if the neglected one would explode. My knees were shaking uncontrollably, my heels were pressed to the base of the tub, my back was arched, and I let out the last coherent words I was able to think of.

"Jasper, I… I need more, babe."

There wasn't a way to muffle the sound that escaped my lips when he took me in his mouth. My fingers were pressed to the brim of the tub, my knuckles white, as I desperately tried to stay upright and not to fall backward in the water.

"Oh God, … feels so… so..." I was lost. The things his lips and tongue were doing… the feeling he kept sending into my body… Endorphins slowly flooded my body, and I felt high.

With his fingers tightly pressed to my skin he began to stroke me in long fast moves. I felt his hair in my crotch, the tickle mixing with a scrape as he rubbed his unshaven jaw to my inner thigh. I slowly breathed in, trying to last a bit longer. But when he took my neglected ball into his mouth and sucked hard, I spiraled into oblivion.

Ecstasy was warming my body from the inside; my abdominal muscles tense and shivering; my heart furiously pumping blood through my veins.

My grip on the tub weakened as the last bolt of electricity shot through my body, and I collapsed on his shoulders, my body still trembling, my legs shaking. I leaned against him, letting him support all my weight, because my sated body couldn't do that for me. He pulled me down from the brim of the tub, and we sat down on the wooden floor. I enjoyed his tight embrace and his "I love you, baby."

I leaned sideways and kissed him. "You were incredible. I won't be able to walk tomorrow, though."

I desperately wanted to return the favor, but I fell asleep as soon as I heard rustling of beans in my pillow.


	11. Stay With Me

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer

Many thanks to UKJay and EdwardsMate4ever from Project Team Beta for their awesome help and their suggestions.

* * *

><p>AN:

The pictures and videos for this chapter

The bakery

www. le-petitmec. (co. jp)/imadegawa/images/image-4. (j p g)

How to wear a hakama:

www. youtube. (c o m)/watch?v=qTMtZB2VOGs

A Shinto Wedding Ceremony:

a picture:

www. flickr. (c o m)/photos/aeschylus18917/4357663981/lightbox/

a short text with pictures:

kyoto-weddings. (jp)/ceremony-guide. (h t m l)

Do you want to take a walk along Kamigamo shrine? Try this Street View like application from Google:

www. google. (c o m)/culturalinstitute/worldwonders/kamigamo-shrine/

You can also see Nijo Castle

www. google. (c o m)/culturalinstitute/worldwonders/nijojo-castle/

and Kiyomizudera Temple from the previous chapters:

www. google. (c o m)/culturalinstitute/worldwonders/kiyomizu-dera-temple/

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 11 – Stay With Me<strong>

_2007_

EPOV

I was woken up from a sound sleep. My heart raced as I took in my surroundings and listened to the world around me. Jasper was within my reach, our futons yet again drawn close to each other last night. I listened to his deep breathing, thinking about what could have possibly woken me up. Then I heard a thud, followed by giggling and the creaking of suitcase wheels.

I sighed and reached for my wrist watch. 1:10 AM. I rubbed my face with the heels of my palms. Now what?

I looked at Jasper again. Suddenly, I had an idea… He was lying on his side, his head in the crook of his elbow. I watched how the moonlight was making the contours of his face more and more defined. I reached under the light blanket and began to touch him ever so lightly.

He looked so innocent in his sleep, and I was doing such evil things to him. My face brightened into a mischievous smile as I began stroking him tenderly. I enjoyed the power I had over his body at that moment; his face calm, his cock hardening under my touch. I already felt the tingling in my groin.

He stirred, and when a silent moan escaped his parted lips, I knew he was almost awake. I was really pleased with myself.

He hadn't even fully opened his eyes, yet he was already hovering above me.

"Edward," he growled. "Any idea how this happened?" He slid his cock along mine.

"A dirty dream maybe? Honestly, I have no idea." I made my eyes wide and innocent.

"Have you ever heard about sweet revenge?"

Ay ay ay… I could already feel hot water from the bucket running through my imaginary jeans. "Umm, not sure what are you talking about?"

"Honey, it's a bit late to play innocent, don't you think?" He took my hands and placed them above my head. "Keep them there. I don't care what you do to manage that, but don't you dare touch me or yourself. Understood?"

"Or?"

"Trust me, you don't want to know," he said in a serious voice, and I had to bite my lip not to burst out laughing. But, I thought to myself, I should really look for something to hold on to. Jasper can be inventive…

We were lying on the futons on the floor; no headboard in sight. I shoved my hands under the pillow, hoping we wouldn't have to explain to the maid why the beans were scattered all over the room in the morning.

"Good boy." Jasper smirked. "Now, close your eyes."

I felt my heartbeat quickening from the anticipation. I knew he was still above me; I was sure he hadn't moved yet. My ears were more sensitive than ever, trying to catch the slightest sound. My body felt like one big receiver. I actually felt like I could _hear_ through my skin. He hadn't touched me yet, and I was already shivering.

I pictured his face, his mischievous smile and the spark in his eyes, and I chewed my lip.

"Jas? Please?"

I heard him chuckle and was surprised by the direction the sound came from. My receiver could use some adjusting, that's for sure, I thought.

And then I felt it.

"You're driving me crazy…" I breathed out and focused all my attention on that one spot. He was keeping his palm above my body, clearly inspired by what I had done to him the other night. I couldn't believe how strange it felt. I could actually feel an imaginary protective bubble around my body. Every time he pressed his hand closer to my skin, I felt like the bubble hardened under his touch. He was slowly moving his hand above my body, never touching me.

"You have no idea how this feels…"

The warmth suddenly increased. Had he added the other hand? My abdominal muscles tensed. I arched my back up to feel his hands on my skin, but he moved away too fast.

"Jas!" I hissed. "I need your hands on me. Right now!"

His thighs suddenly squeezed the sides of my torso around my waist, and then I felt his lips on my neck, caressing, teasing, and making me sigh in pleasure.

When he suddenly bit the base of my neck hard, my hands flew from under the pillow, searching frantically for a better support. My back arched, not knowing if it should move right or left to escape. Shit. This wasn't a love bite; he was having me for a midnight snack.

He let go of my skin, and I felt his hair touching my face. With my eyes still closed, I lifted my head, searching for his lips, eager to touch him, but he was already gone. I felt him grabbing my hands, pulling them above my head again, and I pressed my lips tightly together in frustration.

As he held my wrists in place, I realized I'd never fully appreciated how strong he was. His legs were keeping my torso in place, my arms were pinned to the futon above my head, and I couldn't move an inch. I doubted that I would enjoy being tied up, but what Jasper was doing drove my body crazy.

When his hair touched my face again, I bolted upward, surprising him and stealing a kiss.

"Do it again."

I heard his whispering and already felt his heat reaching my skin. He didn't move when I slowly lifted my head, searching for his lips, caressing them with my tongue. He was almost out of my reach; it felt like I was touching forbidden fruit. I could feel a pain in my neck from the unusual position, but I couldn't let him go. My body was trembling from the exertion and excitement.

When I managed to grasp his lip between my teeth, I felt victorious. He deepened the kiss, pressing my head back to the futon. We were so hungry for each other that the battle for dominance was forgotten. Who was the predator and who was the prey? It didn't matter. When our lips parted, it felt like the hunt was over. He let go of my wrists, caressing the bruised skin with his thumbs, and then I felt his lips moving down my body. I'd already forgotten what it was like to see; my body adjusted to using just the rest of the senses.

"Do you trust me?"

Oh. My. Well… "I do."

I felt his lips on my ear as he whispered, "I promise I won't hurt you."

What?

I felt him shifting and then kissing my hipbone, and the tickling of his hair turned the corners of my lips upward. When he moved to my lower abdomen, I got lost in the touch of his lips and tongue, forgetting about his strange assurance.

I didn't anticipate what was about to come even when I felt his hand on my crotch. He passed up my cock and focused on my balls. Nobody had ever given so much attention to my balls like he did. He squeezed lightly and then tugged on my sac, making my balls slide to the very end and held them tight there. My shaved skin tightened, and my body stilled, afraid to move. When he started to tease them with his tongue, I felt like my brain started to spin.

"Should I carry on, baby?"

"Yeah," I uttered through gritted teeth. "You're driving me crazy." I felt his teeth, lightly grazing my skin. He hadn't let go of my sac, keeping the balls tightly in place. When he palmed them with his other hand, increasing the pressure, I squirmed under his touch.

"Feels good?"

"Oh, yeah. Try… more…" I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth; I couldn't help it though. I did feel the pain, but it was not as bad as I would have guessed, and it kept turning into pleasant feelings running through my body.

"Oh, I'd love to."

I was whimpering under his touch. I felt his fingers tapping on my skin, and then without any warning—

"Jasper!" I thought I would explode. Pain bolted from my balls, making my toes curl, and liquid lava rushed through my veins. I felt his tongue again, caressing my slapped skin.

"Once more, baby?"

"Yeah… I've never… oh God!" Another slap, harder this time, brought instant and sharp intense pain to the surface of my balls, which immediately started to develop into the deep throbbing pain when he sucked on them. I dug my fingers into the futon and arched my back.

"More." My body was under his spell, my brain went for a walk, and my instinct took over; the pain was actually arousing me to no end. He kept it bearable — the pleasant feelings were always more intense than the pain itself. Waves of pleasure ran along my spine, my groin was tingling, and butterflies in my stomach fluttered their wings. Within several moments I was close to exploding.

"Wait." I grabbed his shoulder and pulled him up to my chest. He must have felt like he had two hearts at that moment, because mine was pumping blood so hard that it felt like it would jump out of my chest.

"Jas," I breathed out. "You have no idea. You should have a weapons license for your hands." I felt his thigh against my crotch. He was sucking on my neck, bringing me to the edge again.

"Jas? Do you want me to… but I've never… I don't want to hurt you," I blurted, feeling my face turning red.

His lips on my neck moved as he smiled, and his breath reached my skin when he whispered, "You don't have to, baby. If it makes you uncom—"

"No, that's not it, really. But I've never… what if I…"

"Don't worry, you won't. Just listen when I say wait, or stop. Do what you want."

I was stunned. Do what you want? He really trusts me, doesn't he?

He was hovering above me on his hands and knees, and I let him guide me by his comments, moans and whimpers. It felt incredible. Paying attention to just one of his balls, I heard him chuckle. "You teaser, you are a pretty fast learner. You know… one day… oh… I want you… to spank me till my ass gets red and hot from your touch."

The image he painted in my mind was enough to make me blush again.

He stroked his cock, and keeping it out of my reach, he then offered, "Make a flat fist and punch them."

I stopped what I was doing. "Are you crazy?"

"Trust me," he grunted. "Flat fist, don't hit with your knuckles. Do it."

I felt like one of us was insane. I was sure it wasn't me. I tried it once, very lightly.

"That's it, harder, don't be scared."

I was comfortable with almost anything, wasn't even afraid to use my teeth, but this was just over the top. Seeing how much he seemed to enjoy it was the biggest reward I could have asked for. It gave me the courage to fulfill his wish.

His abdominal muscles flexed sharply in front of my eyes, and his fingers dug into my shoulder when I did as he said. His thighs were still touching my body at my waist, and the trembling from his muscles set my own body vibrating. I repeated my move, getting quickly aroused again by the way his body responded to my touch.

I wrapped my arm around his waist and lifted my head to nibble on his chest and gently bite on his stomach. Wherever my lips and tongue touched his sweaty skin, I tasted salt. The back of my fingers lightly caressed his tense abdomen, and he squeezed my torso tight between his legs and sucked in breath. I loved his moans and whimpers and the way he was losing control.

"Take me, Jasper, please. Would you do it for me?" I knew that it had been always him who bottomed. He didn't quite enjoy topping, but right in that moment I wanted nothing more. "Do it, love, I am ready, please."

He reached for the lube and condom, and I noticed his fingers were trembling.

"Jas? Come here, love." I put his palm on my chest. "Feel my heart, angel. It's all yours, thumping like mad, because you're close." I slid my fingers into his hair and kissed him, gently touching his tongue, nibbling on his lips. I moved to his jaw, pulling his fragrant, salty skin between my teeth, biting him tenderly and tickling his secrets spots with my lips.

"Do it please, love. Go, no readying me, I want it this way. I am sure," I nodded when I saw his doubtful look. I tore the wrapper of the condom between my teeth.

With yet another assurance from me, he started pushing forward, his eyes not leaving mine.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes…" I hissed and sucked in air through my gritted teeth. "Don't stop, don't you dare stop." I wasn't about to explain aloud why I wanted it to be painful this time. Was I punishing myself for all that suffering I wasn't able to prevent during the last several months? Or punishing Logan for dumping me? Punishing myself for those sex fights I had with Jasper after I moved in with him? I was sure I didn't want to hurt Jasper. He could read _love_ written all over my face. I wanted him to claim me, to own my body the way he already owned my heart.

"Move."

It's been so long. I was perfectly aware about the last time, when it had not been about sex, but when I'd made love. It had been with Logan. I tried to push the memory away. I didn't want to think about him at that moment. Or ever again.

"It's been so long, Edward."

I glanced up, surprised by his words. "I know. But you're doing a wonderful job, you know."

He collapsed on my chest, and I felt him shaking from the silent laughter.

"Ed, you'll be the death of me."

"No, _you_ will be the death of _me_. I can feel your cock laughing my ass off."

He cracked up, and I was amazed how his cock moved with every burst of his laughing.

"I love you, Jas. You make me feel happy and… secure. Please, don't disappear one day. I want this to be forever." I pressed my lips to his, and overwhelmed by my own feelings for him, I inhaled sharply, filling my mind with his wonderful scent.

When I let him breathe freely, he said, "That's exactly how it is, love. You're stuck with me. I'm not going anywhere without you."

**...**

I was pushing my rice back and forth, not feeling like eating. I wanted something crunchy with a familiar taste. Toast, French bread, even breakfast cereal would do. Or bacon, or eggs — sunny side up. I wanted orange juice and _a large pot_ _of coffee_.

"Not hungry?"

"Starving. But not for this." I sighed.

"Then what?"

"Coffee, bacon, marmalade, sausages, juice."

"You'll feel sick if you eat it in that order, you know."

"Never."

He chuckled. "Fine, you little whiner. I've already promised you a steak; we can have a Western style breakfast as well."

**...**

"Heaven." I'd never expected to use that word when describing the taste of bread.

Jasper's eyes never left mine.

"You won't eat?" I asked.

His face melted into a broad smile. "Watching you beats any breakfast."

"Nonsense. Taste it, it's delicious."

"I can tell…"

Jasper took me pretty far from our hotel, saying that Japanese bread was not what we were looking for that morning. We were sitting in a little, well-hidden French bakery called Le Petit Mec. I was pouring myself a third cup of coffee, having second piece of well buttered bread already in my hand.

"What's on for today?" I asked, sucking melting butter from my fingertips.

I glanced at Jasper and caught him staring at my fingers. When I lowered my hand, his gaze stayed on my lips.

Noticing how distracted he was, I briefly looked around the half empty room and slowly repeated the move. Nothing. I licked my lips with the tip of my tongue. Maybe I could make a career as a hypnotist, I thought, and with a grin, I kicked Jasper under the table.

"Huh?"

"What did you have on your mind?"

He cleared his throat and looked out of the window, fidgeting in his chair.

Yeah, I know exactly what you have on your mind right now, I thought and chuckled. But then I decided to put him out of his misery. "I meant for today. Castles, gardens, things like that?"

"Whatever you would like. We have three days more, no rush," he said after a while, looking down at the table.

"Some leisure time, maybe? Can we slow down a bit? Like lying in the grass and staring up at the clouds?" I laughed, but the truth was, I needed to slow down. We came to Kyoto on Sunday and now it was Friday; all days in between had been filled with action or emotional highs and lows.

"Sure. I don't know about lying in the grass in those perfectly maintained gardens, though. There is the Kamigamo Shrine just around the corner. And I thought about going to a club tonight."

He still hadn't looked at me, and his fingers were nervously toying with the breadcrumbs on the checked tablecloth. He was slowly sweeping them onto a small pile, adding all the sesame seeds he could find on his half of the table.

"You've found a club?" I watched his busy hands, thinking about what might be going on in his head.

"My friend told me about it. It's more like a bar, not a club exactly. No dancing, but we can take a look." He added several poppy seeds to his growing pile.

"Oh, sure we can take a look." I tried and watched in awe when he blushed.

I felt like he had just given me an early Christmas gift. I had caught him staring at me, and it made him uncomfortable. He loved rough sex, but was nervous in public. I couldn't wait to explore all the possibilities for teasing him.

**...**

"Edward, can we sit down for a while? I am not feeling well… Never mind, I'll stay right here."

Jasper suddenly sat down on a curb of the garden path, his head in his hands.

"Jasper? Are you okay? Is it the breakfast? Are you hurting?"

"No. I don't know. I am just terribly tired. I feel like… fainting." He wrapped his arm around his stomach.

"You can't stay here in the sun. Come, I'll help you." I took his hand and noticed how cold and clammy his skin was.

"It's just so damn hot and humid today. Can we stay right here?" He collapsed on the first bench in the shade.

"Drink this up; I'll buy more water. I'll be right back."

I found him in the same position when I came back ten minutes later. "Babe? How are you feeling?"

"Not great. Why have you bought so much water? Oh, this feels good."

I was pressing the icy bottle to his temple, ear and neck. "Press the other one to your wrists, to the inner side. It will cool the blood. Don't give me that look, my dad's a doc, you know."

"Shit, it must be around ninety." Jasper groaned. "Who exactly told you to come to Honshu during summer? He must have been out of his mind."

"I guess my boss doesn't watch the weather channel." I chuckled. "Brought you something else. Here." I handed him a collapsible fan.

"Oh, that's nice." He started to flutter the fan, and then he grimaced. "My hand will soon fall off, though."

"Are you trying to fly away? I bet it works in slow motion too."

I pressed the bottle to the other side of his head and took the fan from his fingers. "Let me. The business part is not a problem; we are in air-con buildings all the time. It's the wandering around. Why do you think I asked for a slow day? I'm feeling it too. I guess you saved me with that breakfast."

Jasper chuckled. "How much of that bread have you eaten?"

"You have something against French bread?"

"Definitely not." He sighed, exhaustion clearly painted on his face. "If it got you going so that you could save my ass a moment ago, I am perfectly okay with it. We can go there tomorrow too."

"Don't have to tell me twice!"

I moved the bottle down to Jasper's chest, and he glanced up at me. "Thanks. Don't go any lower."

I bit my lip. "You're no fun. I thought I'd pour the water on your head and chest to cool you off. But I wonder who would cool _me_ off after I see you in that wet shirt…"

"Sorry, not in the teasing mood right now. I can smack your head with the fan, if you want to cool off." He grinned.

"I can see you're feeling better already."

"Yeah. Thanks for your help. Give me that fan, will you?" He was moving it slowly, looking at the writing.

"They call these fans sensu. Did you know that the collapsible fan was invented in Japan? It was around the 7th century. Just around the time when this shrine was founded. About one hundred years before the city of Kyoto."

I watched Jasper opening and closing the fan, clearly studying the way it was constructed.

"You are not thinking about taking it to pieces, are you?"

"_I_ am not a five-year-old." He smirked, playing with the fan. "It can be made from fragrant sandalwood or a fabric too. Portuguese traders brought them to Europe in the 16th century. God, I am so tired, can we stay a bit longer?"

"Jasper, how can you ask? I am not going anywhere without you. What's written on the fan? Can you read it?"

"Hardly, it's calligraphy."

"Try, would you? I'd like to know."

I watched Jasper scowling at the fan, mumbling, turning it around and looking from one side to the other.

"It looks like two poems, one on either side. Each of them is signed with a different hanko seal. It seems that one poem was written as an answer to the other, some words are the same. Ishikawa…" He frowned. "I know I've read the name somewhere. Hmm, the other hanko is… Oh, I know! These are the poems exchanged by Prince Otsu and Lady Ishikawa. He was a descendant of the emperor in the 7th century. There were some false charges against him, and it ended up badly. He was 23 years old. His Death poem is well known too." He sighed. "You really want to know? It's not exactly happy," he asked warily.

"So you can read it?"

"No, the way it's written is too fancy for me to decode all of the characters. But our teacher was crazy for their tragic love. We all were sick of them both at the end of the month. So, I know what to look for…" He was already browsing the internet on his cell.

"Here we go… The first one is from him, the second one is her answer."

_Gentle foothills, and  
>in the dew drops of the mountains,<br>soaked, I waited for you-  
>grew wet from standing there<br>in the dew drops of the mountains._

_Waiting for me,  
>you grew wet there<br>in gentle foothills,  
>in the dew drops of the mountains-<br>I wish I'd been such drops of dew._

I stared at the little screen. I shouldn't have asked.

"Give me a moment, will you?" I asked, handing him his phone back. I left him sitting on the bench alone, pressing the icy bottle to his temple.

I hid behind the nearby gazebo, crouching down, hiding my face in my palms. How come I still see him everywhere? I thought.

It was like a game of peek-a-boo, but it was not funny anymore. I felt like collapsing on my knees every time it happened. Holding a straw, I mindlessly drew abstract shapes in the dirt beneath my feet.

I wonder if Logan plays that peek-a-boo game too. Is he seeing me everywhere? Did he forget already? It's only been a few days since I'd wanted to become drops of rain to be with him again. I guess those who are unhappily in love have similar insane wishes.

I looked at the shape I've sketched — a J.

Jasper had been right. I shouldn't have wanted to know. I angrily wiped the J off with my foot. Will I lose him too?

I wrapped my arms tightly around my legs, resting my forehead on my knee. Logan didn't think I was good enough. Why would he have disappeared otherwise? Will I push Jasper away too? What if he doesn't really love me? What if he still thinks about Brian? Are they still in touch? He was on the phone with someone this morning, and he hung up as soon as I stepped out of the bathroom. Maybe he is already looking for his way out.

I know I wouldn't survive another heartbreak. Not with Jasper.

I could see him walking around the garden, looking for me, but I shifted farther behind the gazebo.

He can't see me like this. Not again. He's too good for me. He fell in love with the former me and now is stuck with this nervous wreck. He will leave, I thought and felt the panic slowly bubbling in my stomach.

"Edward? Hiding here in the shadow? What are you doing? Playing peek-a-boo?" Jasper smirked at me, and I chewed my lip, trying to hold it together. And failing miserably.

"Angel? What's happened? What have I said?" He crouched down in front of me and squeezed my wrists tight.

There was just one thought in my head — please, don't leave me. I hoped the depression was gone, but I was wrong. Even the most innocent things were pushing me toward the edge again and again. I wanted to feel secure and confident like I used to. But instead of manning up, I leaned into Jasper and hid my face in the crook of his neck.

"Distract me, please… Say something." I was almost sure he couldn't hear my whisper. I wanted to hear that he loved me and would stay with me forever, because the thought in my head was clear — I won't stay another minute alone in this world, if you leave.

But instead of _I love you_ he said, "If the Emperor wishes my death, he has but to ask."

What? I glanced up at him, my eyes wide. "How did you know?"

"Know what, baby?" He smiled.

The words got caught up in my throat.

"Edward?" He wasn't smiling anymore; he was eyeing me warily, his eyes narrowing into small slits. "What were you thinking about?"

I chewed my lip and replayed his words in my mind. Why did he say it? What emperor? Did he approve of my death wishes? Did it mean he would do anything for me? Did he—

And then it clicked in.

"So, it was Omura." I sighed, and when Jasper slowly raised his hand, I high fived him. We'd watched The Last Samurai a couple times at the beginning of my stay in Japan. First time just because of the Japanese setting, but then I was quickly drawn in by the relationship between Katsumoto and Algren, and we even quoted the movie sometimes, just for fun.

_I was prepared to die. And yet here I am. Why were you sent into my life? What is the lesson you were meant to give me?_

"You okay?"

I stood up and leaned against the wall of the gazebo. I couldn't let him know that all those nasty feelings kept coming back. "I love that movie. Katsumoto was great. That quote about a perfect blossom is pretty cool too."

"You bet it is." He eyed my warily.

"When is the Hanami holiday?"

"Around April," he said.

I sighed. Almost a year to go. That's more than any of my previous relationships lasted, I thought. I'll never see it.

"Edward, what's wrong?"

"I'll never see it."

Jasper took a step back. "And why would you think that?"

"Will we still be together in April?" I said in a low voice, looking at his shoes so that I wouldn't be hurt by the reaction I was afraid to see on his face.

He was quiet, and I pulled my lip between my teeth. Shit. I was right. He is leaving.

I tightly pressed my eyes shut. My mind flew back to the movie, and I saw Katsumoto sinking his shiny sword into his body. My fingers curled up, and I could almost feel the texture of the hilt and the weight of the sword in my hand. What would it feel like? My happy butterflies were dying one by one.

"You want a short-term relationship?" Jasper asked warily after a long pause.

I opened my eyes, staring at his shoes again, and shook my head.

"You see? Me neither. So what about having more faith in us, huh? Do you want me to look up a place to stay in April?"

I loosened my fist, dropping the imaginary sword into the dust at my feet. His shoes came closer, and then I felt the calming effect of his fingers, caressing my face.

**...**

We sat down on a wooden veranda near a narrow stream, close to the main red and white shrine. The weather was hot, but the stream and the forest around us provided at least a bit of cooling breeze.

Suddenly, I felt Jasper's elbow jab my ribs. When I followed his gaze, I saw several people in traditional Japanese dress. The man in front wore something that reminded me of a blue skirt and a red coat. He had a strange black hat without a brim. A girl in a long red skirt and a white robe walked behind him.

Then I noticed the third person.

"Wow. He looks stunning."

"Ed, you won't drool, will you? I'd be hurt." Jasper made a face, and I smacked his thigh.

"Shut up, will you? Is he who I think he is?"

"Am I a mind reader?"

I checked him over — from his grin to his dust covered shoes and back. "No, otherwise you would've kissed me ages ago. I am dying to feel your lips on mine, babe."

Jasper took a deep breath and narrowed his eyes, but he didn't make a move.

I needed to do better. "If you were a mind reader, you would know that I want to sit on your lap right now and lean closer to kiss you. I want to feel your chest touching mine, and to run my fingers through your hair, pulling slightly, and to nibble on your neck and then to move lo—"

"Stop it. We are at a shrine." He was muttering under his breath, and his flush made me tingly at all the right places.

"We're in a garden, and there is nobody here, except for them." I eyed the small parade again. "So, who are they, oh-shy-one?" I teased him.

Jasper ran his palms over his thighs several times before he answered, "Wedding guests."

"But, the groom isn't Japanese, is he?"

"Even foreigners can have a Shinto wedding ceremony these days. You can pay for big and fancy or simple like this one is."

"He looks great…"

The groom looked fantastic. Raven black hair and short beard, black halfcoat with white accents and gray, strange looking trousers. The dress emphasized the groom's wide shoulders and his slender waist. The only thing he lacked was a samurai sword.

"I bet you'd look gorgeous in that." I sighed.

Jasper chuckled. "He looks like a samurai, doesn't he? He's wearing a very formal dress. Those skirt-like trousers are called hakama and the short kimono is montsuki. Samurai used to wear hakama with kataginu, a wide-shoulder vest. The trousers were that wide to hide the movement of their legs and to give an illusion of floating."

We watched as the groom passed by our bench. I guess the bride was there too. Somewhere. Perhaps it was her who held the red traditional parasol above the groom.

"It's a bit tricky to put on hakama. I tried once, and it took me ages." Jasper smiled, eyeing the dust that whirled low above the ground, as they slowly walked away. "I had to put on a black simple kimono with a belt, then another long belt that I looped three times around my waist. Then I made a special bow on it and slid it to small of my back. The bow is there to secure the straps of hakama in proper place. You have four long straps attached to the front and back parts of the hakama trousers, and you end up with three bows, two at small of your back and one on your stomach. When I tied up the hakama, I put on the motsuki, the short kimono. And I was done." He grinned.

"You know, it looks great, but maybe I do prefer jeans on you. This would take ages to, you know…" I smiled.

Jasper rolled his eyes. "Do you ever think about anything else?"

"Not really." I made a move to lean closer, but he pushed me back.

"You see the girl?"

"I'm not interested in any girl right now." I leaned toward him again, enjoying my play.

Jasper put his hand on my chest to stop me, not knowing that his touch made all the butterflies in my stomach flutter their wings.

"That's miko, a shrine maiden. She is wearing a different type of hakama with a white kimono."

His hand was still on my chest. How come he isn't feeling how my heart is racing? How come he hasn't acted on it yet? I thought, not paying attention to the wedding guests.

"The man in front is a Shinto priest, kannushi."

Okay, we can't make out in front of a priest, I thought and turned around, disappointed, trying to ignore Jasper's smug grin.

We watched the couple disappearing behind the nearest building, and my thoughts darkened. They will be pronounced husband and wife. A ceremony we can never have. Unless we move to Massachusetts, Canada, Europe or South Africa. Marriage is simply out of the question for people like us if we stay home. Shit, it's 2007, and we can't even have a registered or domestic partnership or union or whatever in our hometowns.

I smiled bitterly when I realized that I was afraid of coming out, but I was planning a marriage.

I felt Jasper's gaze on me and looked at him. He had that mischievous smile playing on his lips when he suddenly said,

"I do."

My heart took off full pace. How could he know?

I slowly slid closer to him, afraid that he would stop me again, but he didn't move. I placed a feather-light kiss on his lips, brushed my cheek against his and whispered, "I do. Forever."

**...**

"Mmmm… yeah… that's… wonderful."

The steak was delicious. I even forgot about the art of polite conversation and almost didn't notice Jasper eyeing my appetite with amusement.

"Do you miss Seattle?"

I sighed. "No. Everything will be more difficult there. I can't imagine living alone anymore." I felt his hand briefly touching mine. "But that would mean coming out. I don't know about that, to tell the truth."

"Me neither. My father would go nuts. I wouldn't be surprised if he kicked me out," Jasper said, toying with his empty glass. "I've never let my folks know that I like guys too."

I eyed his glum face. I could imagine how hard it would be for him to lose the emotional support of his parents. I was afraid of the same loss.

"There is always enough time. I am so not ready for this." He sighed.

**...**

We spent the rest of the afternoon in Tadasu no Mori, a beautiful large forest, with many very old trees. After visiting carefully pruned Japanese gardens, it felt wonderful to walk through the wilderness. Well, there were wide, maintained paths in some areas, but it was still a forest, not a garden. We even found a place to lie down, hold hands and stare up to the sky.

"It smells weird." I opened my eyes and waved the yellow flower away.

"Whiny."

I heard Jasper picking another flower, and a moment later I felt the familiar tickling on my face again. The touch of the soft flower petals and the hot day were making me sleepy. We were lying in the high, almost dry out, grass somewhere on the edge of the vast forest.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked when I hadn't felt his light touch for a while.

"Home."

"Tokyo?"

"Texas, silly."

I propped up on my elbows and squinted in the bright sunlight. "Why now?"

Jasper shrugged. "The smell of hay I guess."

I was fully awake in an instant. Texas, hay, horses, Jasper on a horse, naked Jasper on a horse, making love in a barn… I could already feel the flush, and it wasn't because of the sun. "You really kept horses?" I asked, determined to get to know as many details as possible to feed my wild fantasies.

"What? Why? No. I had a chinchilla."

"What?" I burst out laughing and collapsed back into the grass. Could a chinchilla make it to my fantasy? One more look on Jasper's astonished face, and I was shaking as another wave of laughter overtook me.

"Are you okay? Too much sun today?" The corners of his lips were turned upwards, but it was clear that he was lost.

"So you are not into horse riding?" I wiped a tear from the corner of my eye. "What do you like to do then?"

"Sailing." He had a dreamy look on his face and an absentminded smile on his lips. I stopped laughing at once. I didn't know this side of him yet.

"Really? You know how to do it?"

He looked down at me and traced my jaw and lips with the flower.

"Yeah, I do," he said and bent down towards me.

Feeling his lips on mine was heaven. His skin smelled like the sun and sweat and his aftershave, and I ran my fingers through his hair and along his back to pull him even closer to me. The fabric of his shirt was cooling, but as soon as I pressed it to his body, I could feel his warmth reaching my palms and fingers. I was quickly getting excited. The thought of our night making love sent the butterflies in my stomach into the air again, and my moves became more urgent.

My hand slid down to Jasper's side, and the tips of my fingers grazed his ribs. I knew I had to not scare him; we were alone, but still in public. I slid my hands to his shoulders again and slowly moved from kissing him to nibbling on his neck. I realized with satisfaction that I already knew what buttons to push to get him where I wanted him. He got all relaxed, and I slowly flipped him on his back and hovered above him, kissing his collarbone and the base of his neck. My heart was racing, and my hand set on its way down his body.

"Stop."

I sighed in frustration. I hadn't even gotten past his belt. "There is nobody around, love. I mean, we don't need to undress." Making out would be good too.

"No, you tease. I got carried away." He chewed his lip nervously, as I traced his cheek with the back of my fingers. "I forgot we weren't at home."

"What about the sailing then? Your folks had a boat?" I steered the talk back, picturing Jasper standing on the deck, his sleeves rolled up, his arms and face suntanned, his hair swaying in the breeze. I revised my fantasy in seconds.

"No, my friend had."

Oh.

"We used to sail the Gulf for days. She was a beauty."

I was getting lost. "Who was? Your girlfriend?"

"What? No, the boat. We address boats _she_. The farthest we sailed was to Tampa, Florida. I was leaving for Tokyo in a few days, but he continued to Miami to watch the VOR. And—"

"What's that?"

"Sorry. A yacht race around the world. Volvo Ocean Race? Does it ring a bell?"

No, it didn't. I was never interested in boats.

"The teams were on their way from Brazil to Miami and then back to Europe again. He always wanted to be a part of it."

"And you?"

"I don't dream big." He spun a leaf of grass between his fingers. "You need to change the way you live if you want to be a part of that world. It would be great, though. Some dreams are not to be fulfilled I guess." He looked away and got silent.

"Jas?"

He picked another flower and started to pick the tiny pink petals. "Did you know that a clover is sweet?" It looked like he was sucking nectar from the hollow petals.

"Do you want to go back?" I asked, not sure what answer I was hoping for.

Jasper threw the flower away. "Not really. Tokyo is good."

I quickly realized that this was _not_ the answer I wanted to hear. He doesn't want to go back? What does it mean for us? What if I am not able to prolong my stay in Japan? Will we break up after all?

"Do you love me, Jas?"

"You think I don't?"

I ignored his confrontational tone. "Do you?"

He sat upright. "So, you think that I've been just playing with you? Is that what you're saying?" The tone of his voice was getting more and more harsh. "Did you even listen to what I was telling you at the shrine? And yesterday at Nijo? Go to hell, Edward." He barked and turned away from me, showing me his back.

Shit, shit, shit.

I remembered his _I do_. I remembered how I'd felt when he said it. It was just —

"I am sorry, Jas. I did listen. And I love you. God, I love you so much, but… I can't believe you could have chosen me." At the end of my confession I was just whispering.

The thought that I was not good enough for other men had been in my head for some time. All my relationships were short. When I'd met Logan, I'd done everything I could have to keep him happy. And he seemed to be happy. I had no idea why it hadn't worked out, and what I'd done wrong. Maybe it was simply me. I knew how to make people miserable, not happy.

I looked at Jasper's stiff shoulders. He was all smiles a minute ago, and now…

"Jasper, I am sorry."

He still hadn't moved. I eyed his arms that were resting on his bent knees. I craved his hug, and I was beating myself over my head for what I had said.

"You must work on your self-esteem, Ed. Honestly, I can't take your doubting yourself or my feelings for you. It hurts."

I pressed my lips together. So it's true, I thought. I am hurting him. He can't stand it. He will l—

"Stop it."

I glanced up at him surprised. "What?"

"Stop that pity party you're having over there." He got up, wiping the leaves of grass from his shirt. "Let's have dinner," he said and without looking at me, he walked through the high grass to the trail, his hands shoved in the pockets, his lips tightly pressed together.

Jasper didn't talk to me the whole way back through the forest. I could hear saxophone music coming from his earplugs, and the longer we walked in silence, the more pissed I became.

I wanted to talk. And here he was giving me a clear signal that he wanted to be left alone. I did apologize, didn't I? So what's the big deal? Shit. Why is he so touchy, I asked just a simple question, couldn't he just answer? I mean, would a simple yes have killed him?

I felt hurt, betrayed and alone. I wanted him to hold my hand and paint my world in rainbow colors. I liked when he took care of me; it made me feel safe. I chewed my lip and just as quickly as I got mad, I felt bad, and I shut myself in my protective shell. Maybe he simply hadn't wanted to say yes... I watched the prints he was leaving in the dirt in front of me, and after a while I realized that I kept stepping into them.

The narrow dirty trail changed to a paved path, and then Jasper's shoes paused, and I almost bumped into him.

He took out his earplugs, and I stared at his chest and listened to the crying of the sax. Shouldn't jazz music be insanely happy? Make you regret that you don't know how to dance? I thought.

"What are you listening to?" I asked, pointing to his earplug.

Jasper eyed me warily, and I shrugged. "No offense. It just sounds so depressing."

"Kind of Blue."

"That's what I am saying."

Jasper's lips twitched. "It's the name, silly. Kind of Blue." His face brightened, and I felt the tingling in my stomach. The sound of the sax mixed with hesitant tones of a piano, and I felt Jasper's light touch on my palm.

"You must play for me again when we get back home," he said, and warmth spread through me at the word _home_.

**...  
><strong>

It took us a while to find the bar. We were strolling along Kiyamachi Street in Gion area. Jasper's friend had warned him that many gay bars in Japan were small, sometimes just for one or two dozen of people and many of them shared one building or even one floor of a building.

We found the Azure on the third floor of the Itoh building above a flower shop. The bartender offered us hot towels and took our orders. Indeed, the room was not large, and its small windows were facing the opposite building.

We took our drinks to a table in the rear part of the room. I wasn't much impressed by the place, but the fact that I could kiss Jasper openly in public was making up for the lack of a dance floor or fancy furnishing.

I played with my tumbler, watching the golden liquid sliding along the glass, thinking about what Jasper had said in the meadow. What will happen when my work in Japan is done? Will I be able to do this in Seattle or in Houston one day? To kiss him on a street, squeeze his hand at the office, introduce him as my boyfriend? Will we have the guts to come out one day? Take the risk?

I didn't know about my parents, but after everything Jasper had told me, I was sure it would be a shocker for his father.

But what if… what if Jasper says that he's not going back with me? He said he'd sold his apartment in Houston. What if he breaks up with me? And what about that friend with sailing dreams? Who was he? Are they still in touch? And what about that Brian?

Suddenly, there seemed to be lots of guys interested in Jasper. Both in his previous life and — as I'd just painfully realized — in the bar too. His fair, wavy hair, his beautiful face, his laughter I loved, it all attracted the stares of many guys in the room. And I wasn't prepared to share.

I was distracted from my thoughts by the approach of two Japanese guys. To my great dislike, Jasper invited them to join us. It turned out they didn't speak English, so Jasper did all the talking, sometimes translating or talking just to me.

I didn't need to understand a word the guy was saying. His wandering eyes, the frequency at which he was licking his lips, his body language… If looks could kill, he would be a writhing mess under our table; our ankles deep in the pool of his blood.

Jasper laughed at something the jerk was saying, and my fingers curled into a fist under the table.

Has Jasper forgotten I am here? Did he suggest going to the bar just to meet someone new? Shit, maybe they had it all planned in advance? Is that why we are here? My mind was racing, and my tightly clenched fists were ready to punch.

My eyes got wide when I saw the intruder resting his hand on Jasper's forearm.

This hand will have to go first, I thought. Then the other one. The one he keeps running through his hair. His greedy cock goes next. I started to rise from my chair as I saw him squeezing Jasper's arm.

"Edward, are you okay?"

I pulled Jasper in for a deep passionate kiss, hoping to send a clear international message: hands off, you sleazy, filthy bugger! Don't touch what is mine.

"Yeah," I answered, when I left him breathless from my kiss, and when I emptied another imaginary magazine into the guy's chest. I watched him collapsing under the table in my mind, and I licked my lips, satisfied.

"Let's get out of here."

"I didn't like it," I grunted. "That guy hitting on you. I didn't like it!"

We were still in the building on a deserted staircase. I pinned Jasper to the wall and growled into his ear. "He had no business touching you, you understand? You are mine. Mine!" I had undone the buttons of his shirt and unbuckled his belt a while ago, and now I was working on his already hard cock.

"Yours." His eyes were closed, and his breathing was uneven.

"That's right. Keep it in mind next time, or I will break every fucking hand that touches you. How many bones did you say I'd have to break?"

"Fifty… no,… twenty… I don't fucking remember! Jesus, Edward, slow down!"

"Forget it." I was blinded with jealousy and fury. My feet were wide apart for balance, my right hand on his cock, my left pressed to his naked chest. I was hissing into his ear, pissed off, mad and… worried. "I didn't like you laughing with him. I didn't like his looks. He had no fucking right stripping you with his eyes. You are mine, God damn it!"

"Yours, oh shit!" I felt jet after jet shooting from his cock, hitting his naked abdomen and my hand. His body was trembling as he kept mumbling _yours, yours, yours._

I rested my forehead on his sweaty one, satisfied, out of breath. "That's right, babe. I would've been lost if you'd left with him."

"Never, I would never…"

I could still feel the panic that had bolted through me when I realized that Jasper might not be into me. That maybe he would leave with the guy. That maybe he would leave any time in the future. With the sailor, with Brian, with some other jerk.

I needed him. And I knew I would do _anything_to keep him to myself. Logan had left me. I wouldn't let that happen again.

* * *

><p>AN:

The poems were translated by Jon LaCure

Thank you for reading and reviewing. The next chapter will complete the first part of the story. The second part will be told from Jasper's point of view.


	12. How Long Is Forever?

**Disclaimer**: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer

Many thanks to Project Team Beta for their awesome help. If there are any mistakes in the chapter now, they are mine.

I am sorry it took me so long to update. I have a new job and almost no free time. The next chapter is halfway done, though, and the story won't be abandoned. Thank you for reading :)

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 12 – How Long Is Forever?<strong>

_2007_

EPOV

"No." The calm, cold voice that echoed in the room sounded strange and definitely not like mine. I was sitting on the floor in the still-dark bathroom, clutching the cell in my hand, and I tried hard not to panic.

The shocked silence at the other side of the line didn't last for long.

"What do you mean, no?"

"I can't do it, Alice."

"But—"

"Alice, I can't drop everything and go back to Seattle with an hour's notice!" I said through gritted teeth, and my fingers had turned white where they had been digging into my thigh.

I was lying, and I knew it. I also knew I would have to say yes eventually, because the things Alice had been telling me were too serious not to.

And the fact that I knew it was making me feel even worse. I felt I was backed up against a wall – in a situation which could only end badly.

I'd spoken to Jasper's sister just once, months ago, in Tokyo. After she had learned that I was Jasper's roommate, she insisted I had to give her my cell number — just in case.

I was too afraid to ask then what 'cases' she had in her mind.

Now, I knew.

It was after four a.m. when she called, and no matter how much I wanted to decline the call from an unfamiliar number, I left Jasper's embrace, grabbed the phone and hid in the bathroom, so I didn't wake him up.

Seconds later, I strongly wished I hadn't picked up. She had woken me from a bad dream about Jasper and a damn sailor, just to put me into another nightmare.

Her fast, hysterical words were threatening to destroy everything I'd learned to love in the past week.

"You have to! I don't want to be in this alone! I'm just so tired. The doctors are keeping us on the edge of our seats. They keep saying _if he makes it through the next hour_… It's so terrible to hear that when they talk about your dad. We're just waiting. My mom sits in front of ICU and doesn't talk at all. Edward, bring him back, I need him here. He's always taken care of everything. Bring him back!" She burst into tears and cut off the call without saying good-bye.

I was sitting on the bathroom floor, shocked by her outburst. She didn't even give me time to say no again.

All I wanted was to crawl back into my bed and hug Jasper tight. To fall asleep in his arms again and pretend none of this had happened. I wrapped my arms around my knees instead and stared at the little screen of my cell. It was still glowing in the dark as a painful reminder that the talk was not a thing of my imagination.

We have to go back. The thought made pain grow in my stomach. But I don't want to, I whined wordlessly, slowly rocking my body back and forth. I want to stay in Kyoto and have Jasper to myself. Because what if he decides he wants to stay in the States for good?

The door opened behind me, and I nearly fell at Jasper's feet.

"Sorry, you okay?" He yawned and shoved the hair that had fallen into his eyes back to place.

I picked myself from the floor, and avoiding his gaze, I returned back into the living room. It was before sunrise, but there was no sun, just raindrops rolling down the window.

"Come back to bed," Jasper mumbled and crashed onto his futon. "I don't want to sleep alone."

I chewed my lip, staring out of the window, thinking about Alice's call. How am I supposed to tell him? How do you say, 'Your dad may die in the next couple of hours?' Do I have to say it? What about 'Let's go home for the weekend?' I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration.

When I finally plucked up the courage to tell him the news and nervously turned towards him, I sighed in relief — he was already asleep.

I fought back the urge to go back to bed, and I took my phone and opened the browser.

Okay, Tokyo — Seattle, today, one way, two seats. I typed my request and waited.

What?

I tried again.

No way. Just one seat? It can't be full. It's Saturday, damn it. Why would people travel on Saturday? I have to go with him. I have to! What if he never comes back? I thought we would have _forever,_ and now I am supposed to say him good-bye in less than half a day? Could today be the day I see him for the last time? No way.

With trembling fingers I typed the request again.

9:50 a.m. with All Nippon. Number of seats available: 1. And the price of the ticket was just ridiculous. My stomach was tied in knots. I grabbed Jasper's passport from the low table. Shit, I haven't lost mine, have I? My panic was growing by the second. I turned the backpack upside down, grabbed the passport and my yukata, stepped over the mess on the floor and ran out of the door. I felt like I was going to be sick; I needed fresh air. I can sit down in the garden and think it over, I thought when I was hurrying through the dimly lighted hotel corridor.

"Damn. I forgot it was raining."

I stood under the roof in the entrance and listened to the sound of the drops hitting the garden. I didn't want to go back to the room. Every little thing would remind me that I had to leave it behind.

The old stone stairs, leading from the main building to the street, were worn out by thousands of feet. I sat down on the last dry step. Next to me there was an old candle lamp, one of many placed on the staircase to illuminate the path to the main entrance. The step was hard and cold, and I shivered.

I pulled my yukata tightly around my body and stared at the grey clouds above the city.

Even the world is crying today, I thought and watched how the rain was hitting the stairs, and the drops were painting dots on my dust-covered shoes.

I should have polished them yesterday. Doesn't matter anymore because we are leaving. It's over. Our little paradise, my safe world, where finally everything seemed so right and nice. We are leaving, and God knows how things will be in the States. Jasper will be busy and worried. I will be in the closet. Shit, I will be in the closet again. I can't tell my folks about Jasper. Oh, shit, this will be horrible. I don't want to go. If I can just stay and pretend nobody's called. I shouldn't have picked up.

I rested my head on my knees and eyed the dead moths on the lamp cover. Another one with fluttering wings was crawling up to the hot lid of the lamp, and I watched him dying in flame and thought how in a second everything could change.

The stone in my stomach was getting heavier every minute.

Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe a week of happiness was everything I could have. I slowly rocked my torso, and dark thoughts kept flowing through my head.

So many things will change when we leave. So many things will get out of my hand. I won't be able to control anything. Everything seemed so easy yesterday at the staircase in Azure. I was a fool to believe I could keep him just for myself. He'll meet his old friends and will forget about me. His family will say I am not good enough for him. He'll say he's not coming back with me. He'll tell me to leave him alone. He — Shit, so many things can go wrong.

I rubbed my face with the heels of my palms and then, with a sigh, dialed the number. It took a long time for the operator to pick up, and for a second I hoped we wouldn't go anywhere.

The lady in the booking company confirmed all my worries. Everything was booked. She put Jasper on the flight at 9:50 a.m. with All Nippon. We would have a plenty of time to catch the Shinkansen and get him to Tokyo in time. All I could do was hope I'd get on his flight from the waiting list. If not, I could leave the next day at 5:35 p.m. with Delta. It would mean I wouldn't be able to take the Wednesday meeting, but I didn't care. There was no way I was saying goodbye to him _today_.

I hung up and wrapped my arms around my hurting stomach. _How many return tickets do you want, Sir? – Just one._ One. Because there is no way Jasper is coming back with me. I have to be at the office at Wednesday, and Jasper will stay with his father. Or his friends. He won't be alone anymore, and he won't need me. I would fight tooth and nail for him, but if _he_ tells me to leave…

I wished I could stop those thoughts and felt some hope instead. But it seemed to be as clear as day. I was facing another breakup, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

As a bright red parasol appeared at the bottom of the staircase, and I realized the lady would have to pass by me on her way up, I wiped my cheeks, embarrassed, and hurried back to our room.

**...**

Jasper was lying across the bed, with his head on my pillow. He was irresistible, so calm…almost happy…

I stepped over my spilled backpack and sat down on his futon. I gently touched his calf, but his expression didn't change.

I love you, sweetie. I want to always be here for you. But if you ask me to leave, I will. You deserve someone better, someone stronger than me.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and slowly ran my fingers up to his knee, up his thigh, lightly at first, but then I added more pressure. Up, up, I could already feel the fabric of his shorts under my fingertips.

Oh, this is so good, I thought and leaned closer to kiss his chest as I slipped my hand under his t-shirt. I could never get tired of the feeling of his smooth skin under my fingertips. I kissed the crook of his neck, lingering there for a little longer, filling my mind with his smell. Jasper moved under my lips, and his hair tickled my cheek.

"I'm not going anywhere," I whispered unwittingly as the loving words whirled in my head...You have no idea what you are doing to me, babe. I want to have you close all the time. I want touch you, to kiss you, to have you in my bed. God, I love you so much.

I bent down to kiss his stomach and nibble on his warm skin. I planted open-mouth kisses around his navel, tenderly touching him with the tip of my tongue. I blew across the damp traces and chuckled when Jasper, still half asleep, pulled his t-shirt down.

"Forget it, babe, I want to play." I hooked my fingers behind the waistband of his shorts.

I pulled them down just an inch and kissed the newly exposed skin. So irresistible and inviting. I dipped my tongue into his navel and gently squeezed his inner thigh. I could already feel the excitement building up in my body.

"Baby, what're you doing? It's still night. We have all day." Jasper pulled me up and squirmed closer to rest his head on my shoulder.

And suddenly, it downed on me again what had happened. And I realized that no matter how much I wanted to deny it, we would have to leave. My heart took off at full pace and my body felt too heavy all of a sudden.

"What's wrong?" Jasper raised his head and looked at me.

I shook my head and pressed my lips tightly together, wanting to yell. Nothing! Nothing happened. We can fall asleep and then make love for the whole day!

I hid my face behind my bent elbow, doing my best not to cry.

"Baby, what's wrong? Is it because I stopped you? Edward, talk to me. I didn't mean to upset you."

I pulled him closer and wrapped my arms around him, pressing my face to his shoulder. "Alice called. Babe, your dad is in the hospital," I mumbled into his chest. His arm around me tightened, and his body stiffened.

I started to speak fast, afraid he would shut me out any second.

"They have been visiting your aunt Betty in Portland. Alice didn't know anything other than it's an inflammation of the pancreas. Your cell is probably turned off or dead. I'll try to get there as soon as I can, but everything is fully booked because of Obon."

He still hadn't acknowledged that he could hear what I was saying.

"Love?"

"Becky."

"What?"

"I have just one aunt. Becky."

"Oh, okay…Becky." I didn't know what else to say. I won't have to repeat the bad news again, will I? "Jas?"

"So, they'll give him some pills, and he'll be all right, won't he?"

There was so much hope in his voice that it broke my heart. "I hope so. But it's acute, and Alice thinks you should go back."

I noticed Jasper's pained expression and instantly regretted I'd said it. I wished I didn't know how severe his father's condition might be right now, and how quickly it could get even worse.

"I am so sorry, babe. He'll be all right. He will be!" I had him in my arms and started to rock slightly, and the familiar movements were soothing me yet again.

**…**

Jasper was in his own world during our drive through the gray city. He stared ahead, not acknowledging I was there. I held his hand, afraid I would lose him in the crowd, as we made a beeline through the huge, modern, cathedral-like hall of Kyoto Railway Station.

I never had to buy train tickets by myself. I passed by the confusing ticket selling machines and found a real human at a ticket counter. Why had I hoped it would be that much easier?

I stepped back from the counter after I bought the tickets, and I stared at the pile of little papers in my hand. There wasn't a word in English on them. I already knew the characters used for Tokyo and Kyoto, but the pile of tickets was a bit too confusing.

"Jasper?" I waved the four little pieces of paper in front of his face to wake him up from his trance. "Why did she give me four of them? Have I bought it right?" Did she notice how much I want to go back? Did she sell me return tickets?

Jasper hardly glanced at the tickets and nodded. "Yeah, it's okay."

I skeptically looked back at the characters on the tickets and then grabbed the handle of my suitcase. "God, help me now." I sighed as I looked around at the crowd.

I followed everyone else, and then I noticed the English signs above my head.

"Great." I could already see myself sitting in a comfortable seat on the train.

I shoved the useless tickets into my shirt pocket and smiled encouragingly at Jasper.

"You'll need them, honey." He came closer and slipped his fingers into my pocket to take the tickets out.

My eyes couldn't leave his face. His fingers grazed my chest, and I fought the urge to hug him tight and to kiss him in front of all those people.

But he wasn't smiling, not even a little bit. He wasn't even really looking at me as he handed me two of those papers back. "There is a ticket gate over there. You have to insert both of them in, okay?"

I doubtfully looked at the tickets. "Both? Like one first and then another?"

"No. Both at the same time."

"Hm." As I wondered whether it would be easier just to print everything on one piece, I realized Jasper was pulling in front of me, clearly not interested in any of my inventive suggestions.

I was surprised that the gate gave me both of my tickets back. I followed the signs, and when I noticed both Tokyo and Shinkansen words on one of them, I cheered up.

But—

"Jasper! Where are you going?"

He was already ten steps ahead of me, and I had to hurry to catch up with him.

"I've found the platform!"

"You don't want to take Kodama, trust me."

"Kodama? The sign said Shinkansen. Why didn't you—"

Jasper turned around and kept walking away. "Kodama _is_ a Shinkansen," he said after I grabbed his elbow to stop him. "The slowest one. It stops in almost every station. We need this one." He got into the line in front of the escalators leading to another platform.

I sat down on the first bench on the platform. I felt awful. Even the simplest things like getting on a train were too difficult for me here. I would never be able to support him in any way. At least I was able to _buy_ the right tickets.

"Ed? You can't sit here."

"People aren't allowed to sit down here?" I resignedly looked around.

Jasper's lips twitched. "No, silly. But we need to go further. She sold you non reserved seat tickets. The train is sold out, I guess. You can't stand in just any car. If you don't have a reservation, you have to be in one of the first cars of the train. Let's go."

Great. So, I bought the wrong tickets after all.

I dragged my feet, following Jasper toward the end of the platform. The raindrops were drumming onto the roof, and I put my jacket back on. It wasn't even six yet, and I was bone tired – it felt as if I'd been up all night. I sat down on the nearest bench and played with my suitcase handle.

"So which train are we waiting for? If the one I found was not good enough?" I pouted.

Jasper fidgeted next to me. "Nozomi." And then he added after a while, "There is also a Hikari, the second fastest. But I want to take a Nozomi."

I bet you do, I thought bitterly. You want to use the fastest way to get away from me.

I chewed my lip and looked away. I never thought how much it would hurt to let him leave me. Because I never knew he would want to do it. I wanted us to be together forever. I never wanted to break up with the love of my life. Shit, I won't cry, will I? No, he can't see me cry. Not again. I tightly shut my eyes and bit my lip.

"Because Nozomi means hope in Japanese," Jasper suddenly whispered.

I opened my eyes, feeling sick. Jasper was sitting with his back to me, hiding his face behind his palms.

No words came out of my mouth. Every single one that came to my mind seemed plain and silly. I stared at my hands, playing with the tickets.

"Why do they have two tickets instead of one?" I asked after a while.

Jasper put his hands down from his face, but didn't turn around. "One is a regular ticket, and the other one a Shinkansen surcharge."

"But why two piece of papers?"

"Remember the ticket gate? They have a separate row of gates to get to the Shinkansen platforms at some stations. Therefore, you need two papers."

I looked at him doubtfully. "Are you sure that's the reason?"

"No." He sighed. "It never came to my mind to question it. One paper or two…I wish I had problems like that."

I had a hard time swallowing the lump in my throat. This is what he thinks about me? That all I care about are some damn tickets? Maybe he doesn't believe that I care about him? Can't he see that I would do anything for him? Maybe _he_ doesn't care. Maybe he's already tired of me and can't wait to leave. Shit.

"We should get in the line." Jasper suddenly got up. "Otherwise we won't get a seat."

I noticed that the platform had started to fill with people, and many of them were standing near signs drawn on the ground. Another thing that I didn't know, I sighed. It's Saturday, six in the morning and people are standing in line to get on the train. Unbelievable.

Thanks to Jasper, we got in the right train car, and we even had seats. The leg room was more than generous, and we could have our suitcases, too large for the overhead racks, next to our legs without any problems. The ride took slightly more than two hours. Jasper spent it sleeping, and I was having constant mood swings, alternating between panic, rage, and depression.

Not even the view of Mt. Fuji could cheer me up.

**...**

It was around half past eight when we got off at the Tokyo Station, and we changed to another train to get to the airport.

When Jasper got on the train, he put his suitcase on a shelf just behind the door.

"Are you sure?" I asked, not feeling like leaving all my stuff unattended.

"Yeah, I'm sure. There is a lock over here for each suitcase, see? Give me yours and go find our seats. The numbers are on the tickets."

I sat down and watched two other foreigners pushing their large backpacks on the shelf.

"How come people don't carry almost any luggage?" I asked Jasper after he collapsed on his seat. "I mean, this is an airport shuttle train, right?"

"Japanese are smart." Jasper sighed. "Why would you carry your bags with you when you can send them ahead?"

"Send? How? With UPS or what?"

"Something like that. A company will pick them up a day or two ahead and take them to the airport for you. You can also have them sent from the airport home or to your hotel. I told you. They are smart."

"Isn't it just for a rich people?"

"It's about 15 dollars apiece."

"Have you ever tried it?" I asked.

"Yeah, I have. Last year, when I went home," he said and wrapped his arms around his stomach.

I put my hand on his knee. "Jas, he'll be all right," I whispered. But Jasper stared out of the window, and his lower lip was already bleeding.

The journey took much more time than I expected, and when we got off the train, my wrist hurt from my constant looking at my watch. We ran up several escalators and through the corridors to get there in time.

Jasper's flight was already listed, and after he checked in, we sat down to wait for the boarding call.

Jasper stared at nothingness, and I hid my face in my palms. This was not how I pictured the second to last day of our holidays. We had plans, damn it! We should be sitting in that French bakery. I could suck melting butter from my fingers and watch Jasper's blushing.

I glanced at him sideways. White as snow, no blush.

Every time my mind wandered to Seattle, panic bubbled in my chest, and I tried to slow down my breathing and my racing thoughts. I was overwhelmed by the fact that so many things could go wrong there. I felt like my feet were stuck into the ground, and yet, I was being pushed by an invisible force into the direction I didn't want to go.

"Baby steps," I muttered under my breath. I need to get on Jasper's plane first. I am the second on the waiting list. There are about two hundreds sold tickets. What's the probability that two passengers won't show up?

I thought about it for a while, but then I realized I had no idea how to solve it, and I decided that the probability was simply very big.

My math skills appeared to be useful because I got on the flight after all. I sat in Economy and was aching to go over to Business and to hold Jasper's hand in mine. He'd seemed so small and vulnerable, curled up in his chair in the waiting lounge, and it was hurting me that I had to say bye to him at the gate.

I sighed and looked out of the window into the blueness below us. The sky was clear, and all I could see was the ocean. I averted my eyes from the boring scenery and glanced toward the business-class section. The curtain between Business and Economy was closed, but when the flight attendant walked from one section to the other, I could see Jasper's arm and his hair as he was resting his head on his palm.

I wanted to run my fingers through that hair, to brush it from his neck and kiss my favorite spot; it'd always made him shiver when I pressed my lips there, nibbling on his skin. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him that everything would be fine. And then we would make love.

When was the last time we kissed? I realized with panic that I couldn't remember. It was our very last kiss, and I couldn't remember. What kind of boyfriend wouldn't remember his last kiss? I am hopeless, I thought. Maybe Jasper will be better off without me after all.

I fidgeted in my seat, feeling caged.

"Your first flight? Don't be scared, it'll be good." A soft hand touched mine, and I looked baffled to my left. A girl was sitting next to me, and her bright beaded bracelet felt cold on my skin. She could be seventeen, max. Her blonde braided hair had several strands dyed orange, and her outfit was about as bright and crazy as her hair. I mean who wears a John Lennon t-shirt with a batik skirt?

She was grinning at me, and I was instantly pissed. Can't she leave me alone? And why is she so damn happy? What's so funny? She is definitely sitting in the wrong seat. God, this trip will be much worse than I thought.

I withdrew my hand. "It's not the flying I am afraid of."

Her laughter sounded like a screeching to my ears. "Yeah, it's the crashing. I know that joke."

"Miss? Would you like to upgrade to Business?"

I was hit by a wall of pleasant feelings before I even saw him. He was there. His skin was pale, his hair was a mess, and he looked incredibly tired, but he was there.

"Are you kidding? That's another joke, right? Are you, guys, from _Candid Camera_, or what?"

I registered that her current shocked grimace and her reluctance to get out of the seat were even more irritating than the laughing.

Jasper leaned against her seat for balance and handed her his boarding pass. "The crew is all right with it. Will you? Now?"

She grabbed her patchwork bag and was out of the Economy in two seconds.

Jasper collapsed on the vacated seat. "I thought I'd go nuts there without you."

I moved the armrest between us upward and pulled him to my chest as close as I could. I enjoyed the sensation of his silky hair slipping through my fingers. Then I bent down and slowly pressed my lips to his exposed neck. I focused on the taste of his skin, on the softness and warmth of his body. I counted the butterfly wings fluttering in my stomach when he squirmed even closer to me and ran his palm along my thigh.

I kissed his earlobe and whispered, "He will be all right. You'll see. We'll go directly to the hospital, and he'll be sitting on his bed, driving nurses crazy and requesting immediate discharge."

"Yeah, sounds like him." Jasper sighed. "Edward, I can't lose him. Not so soon." He stared at our joined hands and chewed his lip. "He can't…I haven't told him so many things yet. I can't lose him."

I held him tight, kissing the top of his head, rocking our bodies slowly, feeling unsure in my new supportive role.

The rest of the flight, including the five hours of waiting for the connecting flight in Shanghai went by in a blur. Jasper wasn't talking. I was afraid that he got on his own carousel. I could still remember being on that damn thing every time my depression had kicked in. However, I didn't dare make any attempt to cheer him up. I held him tight, offering words of comfort and love.

We touched down at 5 p.m., Saturday.

**...  
><strong>

Jasper hadn't said a word during our drive from Seattle to Portland. I kept one hand on the steering wheel and the other in his palms. Hi was mindlessly drawing shapes on my skin with his index finger, and I had a hard time not to fall asleep. When he raised my hand to his lips and then pressed it to his cheek, I pulled over.

"Jas, please talk to me." I'd been trying to fill my mind with images of Kyoto to keep the bad thoughts away, but we'd been on our way for too long, and I was getting tired, nervous and anxious.

He slid down and rested his head in my lap, and I played with his hair, thinking how peaceful he looked with his eyes closed.

"Angel? How are you? Do you want to call Alice again?"

Jasper opened his eyes and shook his head.

Partly, I doubted that he would want to. We'd called from Shanghai, and Alice disconnected the call in the middle of his sentence, saying something was wrong, and she had to go.

He reduced his communication to nods and shakes of his head after that, and his lips were parched from constant biting. Alice didn't call back, and Jasper refused to even touch the phone.

I was running my fingers through his hair now, watching the passing cars on the road.

What if we are too late? Would Alice call us? I should have called my dad, I thought and realized that my parents had no idea that I was back in Washington.

I was gently tickling Jasper's neck, and then I stroked his shoulder. "We should go. I'll fall asleep otherwise."

"What if we're too late?" Jasper suddenly asked in a hoarse voice and sat upright. "Do you think Alice would've called me?"

"Jas, he's all right. Let me check the messages." I reached for the phone and touched the screen several times. "Shit!"

Jasper gasped and pressed his palm onto his lips.

"No, no, no! Calm down. Your dad is all right. My cell is dead. God damn it!"

I threw the useless phone into the door compartment and started the car. I was sick of this dance. I knew Mr. Whitlock could have died hours ago. An acute inflammation was a shitty thing, and there was only so much doctors could do. I was tired, both physically and emotionally, and the damn phone and Jasper's panic were just the last straw. With both hands on the wheel and my eyes on the road ahead, I stomped on the gas, determined to get to know the truth as soon as possible. Then Jasper can tell me he wants to stay and that he is breaking up with me, and this whole damn thing will be over, I thought bitterly and hit the honk with my palm. The Dodge in front of me was dragging its feet.

When I parked in front of the hospital, and Jasper seemed hesitant to get out of the car, my patience was already wearing thin. I was berating Alice in my mind for calling me, chastising myself for agreeing to go, and I was quickly getting mad at Jasper for not behaving like a grown up. I was standing next to him, the car door opened, and he was just sitting there, staring ahead. I took him thousands of miles to get here, I was ready to let him go, and he won't even walk through the hospital door?

"Jas," I whispered through gritted teeth, leaning against the car roof with my arm, trying very hard not to yell. "Get out of the damn car. Now!"

_I _wanted to sit in the car right now. I had no desire to meet Jasper's family at such a difficult time. I wanted Jasper to man up so that I could lock myself in the car and wait till he came back. I could clearly see him in my mind, coming back from the hospital to the car, saying his father was fine. I could see us in the hotel across the street. I wanted my old, confident Jasper back. I wanted my hands on his body. I wanted to be back in Kyoto. God damn it!

Instead, I took a deep breath and walked through the hospital door with him.

The straight corridor seemed endless. We were passing doors on our left and right; I was scanning the signs, and Jasper's gaze was glued to the floor in front of him.

The clanking of my car keys echoed in the corridor, as I kept putting them from one hand into the other so I could rub my sweaty palm across my thighs. I should have changed, I thought nervously. My clothes were wrinkled, I had stubble on my face, and I bet I had circles under my eyes. And I desperately needed another coffee. I didn't want to meet Jasper's family like this; it was going to be disaster.

Jasper entwined his fingers with mine, and I sighed in relief and glanced at him. He didn't look any better. But he was still there with me.

When I noticed a lady at the end of the corridor, I tried to withdraw my hand from his. He didn't let go.

"Love, that is probably your mom over there."

He resignedly shook his head. "I don't care."

I stopped and pulled him to my chest again, wrapping my free hand around his back. "It'll be all right, angel. You'll see."

I didn't think Mrs. Whitlock had noticed our joined hands. In fact, she seemed not to see me at all. She threw herself around Jasper's neck, and he hesitantly hugged her.

I retreated to the window and eyed Jasper's bowed head and stiff shoulders. His mother put her arm around his waist as they walked to the ICU unit together, and I looked around, searching for a girl who could be Alice. But the corridor was empty, and the vast white walls echoed Mrs. Whitlock's fast flow of loud words.

I absentmindedly listened to the snatches of her talking, trying to remember if we passed any coffee machine on our way here. _How are you…They don't…Sleeping all the…Brian can't—_

The door of the room closed shut and cut the sentence in the middle.

I stared at the door, replaying what I'd heard. No way. It must have been my imagination. I'm tired, and there is no fucking way I had just brought Jasper to the damn Brian.

I rubbed my eyes. We had been up for twenty-six hours already; the flight itself took twenty-one. I felt beaten and could hardly keep my eyes open. I looked up and down the corridor, deciding which way I should take to hunt for a coffee machine.

When I returned with two cups a while later, the corridor was still deserted.

I shifted my weight and tentatively looked around. Great, there is a waiting room, I sighed in relief. And it's empty. The coffee is too hot to drink anyway. I'll sit down and wait. What's the time in Kyoto right now? Scratch it. What day? Would it be wrong to lie down? These armchairs are so soft and comfy. Wednesday, I need to make it to Wednesday and then everything will be over, and I'll go back…

"…could go to hell!"

I woke up in panic with my heart pounding, and I tried to remember where I was.

Nothing changed in the room, except for one thing.

Mrs. Whitlock was standing next to the door, sipping coffee and nervously tapping her foot. She then crushed the empty coffee cup in her hand, stamped her foot on the trash can pedal, and hurled the cup inside with force.

Then she finally noticed me. "You!" She pointed at me across the waiting room, and I involuntarily ducked. "You're Edward?"

A nod of my head was everything I managed to do.

"Why aren't you with Jay? Nobody is doing what they should be!"

"I beg your pardon?"

"The doctors won't tell us anything. They say we need to wait. It's the 21st century, and all we can do is sit and wait!" She tapped her foot again in staccato rhythm. "Alice is not back yet, Jasper forgot how to talk, and you are hiding here instead of being there with him!" She stomped her foot again. "And there is no extra sugar in the coffee machine!"

She seemed to have caffeine rushing through her veins. Her nervous pacing and loud talking shrunk the waiting room into the size of a matchbox. I grabbed still-warm cups from the low table and snuck around her to the door.

"I'll go see Jasper," I mumbled, but the only answer I got was the clatter of her wooden bracelets as she dismissed me, waving her hand.

I leaned against the wall outside the waiting room and drained my coffee in one gulp. The glowing emergency exit sign on the other side of the corridor seemed incredibly appealing. Out. Out from this craziness, from the world full of troubles. I want to be back in Kyoto. To lie next to Jasper and caress his stomach with the back of my fingers. I want to pull him closer and run my hand up and down his back. And kiss him, God, I want to kiss him. Leave him breathless and then see his happy smile. And then I would slide my hand—

"…Alice the sugar! Don't forget. And get over here already!"

I pushed against the wall and walked over to the ICU. I should have never picked up. I should have never brought Jasper in this mess. Is he the only one sane in this family?

I took a deep breath and opened the door.

Jasper was sitting at his father's bed, his forehead resting on their joined hands. I put his tea on the small table. When I gently stroked his shoulder, he looked up. "He hasn't woken up yet. It's been hours."

I leaned closer to hug him from behind. I desperately wanted to give him some strength, but I was drained. Feeling his cheek on mine was nice, and I closed my eyes and enjoyed the calming effect of his touch. I needed him. He was my safe harbor; he always made me feel better. I had no idea how he managed that, but right now I didn't care. All I wanted was to stay like this forever.

"I'll tell him, Edward."

I opened my eyes, afraid what would come next.

"I've been thinking about it the whole time. He deserves to know. If he wakes up…" Jasper's voice broke, and he hid his face behind his palm. I gripped his shoulders and forced him to look at me.

"Jasper, stop it. He will! He is intubated, and they keep him sedated. He'll wake up soon. We'll tell him, and he'll kick our butts. Don't even think about any other alternative, love. Do you understand?"

I waited for his beautiful smile, but it never came.

"Babe, you are tired. There is a hotel near the hospital. We can stay there and come back in the morning."

To my great disappointment Jasper shook his head. "I am not going. I want to stay here with Dad." And then he stood up and added, "But you go, Edward. There is no point in you staying too."

Sharp pain bolted through my whole body. I knew it would come, but so soon? Can he already see that I am no help? Is it because I got mad at him in the car? _No point in you staying_. I have so many reasons why I want to stay. He sees none. It's over.

"Ed, are you all right?"

There were traces of my nails in my palms, I was sure, even though I didn't feel the pain as I clenched my fists tightly.

"I don't want to break up with you," I blurted and wrapped my arms around him. "I thought I could let you go, but I it's too hard."

Jasper pushed me away and sat down in his chair again. He rubbed his palm over his face, and then he looked at me, exhaustion clearly visible in his eyes. "Slow down. I don't get it. You want to break up with me? What have I done?"

"No! I thought you wanted to."

"Babe, I am incredibly tired. I want to crash in the waiting room and sleep. I have no idea what are you talking about, but I am not breaking up with you. No matter how crazy you sound sometimes, I do love you. Am I clear?"

I nodded my head eagerly, feeling my heart soaring somewhere up to the ceiling.

"Great. Now, please go home and get some sleep. Drive carefully, will you?"

I sat down on his lap and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. "I love you, angel. I am sorry. Can I stay?" I touched his cheek with mine, and then I gave him an Eskimo kiss.

Suddenly, there was a commotion behind my back, Jasper dug his fingers into my arm, and someone giggled.

**...  
><strong>

The armchair in the waiting room didn't feel comfy anymore when I was under the x-ray stares of Jasper's mother. I was afraid to look at her or Alice whose lips seemed to be twitching in amusement. I hoped she'd brought a lot of sugar, and Mrs. Whitlock had been doped up, otherwise we were doomed.

Jasper fidgeted in his seat next to me, and I noticed that his hand moved on its own to caress my thigh, but he seemed to remember his mother, and he shoved his hand into his pants pocket.

I averted my eyes and searched the floor for any comforting crack that I could name after the Illinois River.

Mrs. Whitlock suddenly sighed, interrupting the silence. "Jasper, if you are comfortable with it, I would like to know. I am already sick of the feeling that _doctors_ are hiding something from me."

Jasper pulled his hand out of his pocket, and his fingers nervously played with the seam of his pants. "I'm sorry. But…" He glanced at me, clearly looking for support. I turned my palm up, and he entwined his fingers with mine. "I'm living with Edward. I love him."

My heart skipped a beat. I expected anything but this. My fingers squeezed his, and I was holding my breath, watching Mrs. Whitlock's reaction.

I couldn't believe it when she smiled and said, "That's great. Thanks, Jay, for telling me."

I mean, that's it? This is what coming out is all about?

Jasper seemed to be equally confused. "You are not mad? Disappointed?"

"Jay, I want you to be happy. And after what had happened with—"

"Mom? I think the doc is coming!" Alice ran to the door, interrupting her mother in the middle of her sentence.

"I was talking, Alice!" Mrs. Whitlock chided her daughter for her behavior, but she was on her way to the door too. Then she turned around. "Edward, honey, welcome to the family. And Jay, don't tell your father yet!"

And with that, she was gone.

I sat there, my eyes wide. "Can you believe it?" I glanced at Jasper, and my grin froze on my face. "Jas? What's happened?"

He was on the verge of tears.

"What's wrong? You did it, man. And she's taken it all right. What's—"

"Ed, go home, okay? Leave me alone. Please?" He wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his crumpled shirt.

"Babe, I am not going anywhere. Are you all right?" I watched in panic the new tears filling his eyes.

"God damn it, Edward, leave me alone!"

I was shocked by the harsh tone of his voice. I was confused and hurt and pissed, and all I wanted was his touch. But Jasper was sitting with his back toward me, and it was clear that a touch was the last thing he wanted.

I thought I was his boyfriend. How is this supposed to work when he don't want me around? My head was full of disturbing thoughts, and I could feel all my insecurities coming back.

When Alice pulled me out of the room, I didn't protest.

"Alice, what was that all about?"

"He didn't tell you, huh?" she asked, playing with her handbag. "I should've stopped her sooner, sorry. See you tomorrow, Eddie."

"Don't call me that, okay? Look, it was nice meeting you, but he doesn't want me here. I don't think I'll come tomorrow."

"Oh, sure you will, Eddie." She grinned at me and turned around to walk away.

I had a feeling that I'd already heard the melody she was mumbling to herself, maybe even played it during my piano lessons, but I couldn't grasp what it was.

Two hours later, on my drive home, I almost ended up in a ditch when I realized that she'd sung Canon in D by Pachelbel.

**...  
><strong>

The night was full of sounds. My bedroom in our house in Forks was facing the forest, and the summer air was blowing into the room, making the curtains fly. Birds had stopped singing a while ago, and the only living creatures making noise now were crickets and grasshoppers in my mom's garden. The sounds were sharp, like they usually are before a storm hits.

I was lying in my bed and staring at the ceiling. The caffeine in my veins made it impossible for me to sleep, and I couldn't stop the flow of thoughts.

Jasper kicked me out of the hospital. But, he did say he didn't want to break up with me, right? And he said he loved me. He even told his mother. So, everything is all right. We are still together. Right?

I turned around on the other side. I missed him. I missed his touch, his warmth. I wanted to listen to his breathing. We'd spent every night together in the last several months, either in one bed, or at least in one apartment. And now he was in another _town_. I shouldn't have left him when he felt so down. Is he sleeping? Are the armchairs in the waiting room any good for sleeping? He has no pillow. Or a blanket. I would know how to keep him warm. How to get him all hot.

I sat down, frustrated from my thoughts.

I replayed Jasper's conversation with his mother. Could my parents' reaction also be so responsive? Over the years I'd never dared bring the subject up. Several times I had been close. The weight on my shoulders seemed to be so hard to carry that I wanted to share it with someone, to hear that they understood and supported me. That nothing had changed, and I still belonged to the family.

Coming out to Bella had been fast and easy.

She'd kissed me — I'd told her. Well, I rather blurted it to my defense, to tell the truth.

But talking about my sexuality with my parents was a completely different thing. Not to mention the fact that the talk with Bella after my revelation was not quite nice, and I had no intention to go through it again with my folks.

At least I'd thought so back then. However, the older I got, the more it felt like living a lie, and I was slowly getting tired of it. Finally I'd plucked up the courage and came out to my younger sister, just to learn it was no surprise for Nikki. She'd also suggested that I should have not made a big deal out of it and should simply say it during one of our family dinners. I remembered she'd throw her pillow on my head, giggling that she definitely wanted to see it.

Over the next few days, I'd been mortified by her bringing it up in front of our parents. When I confronted her, she assured me that she was doing it for my own good, and that she tried to help. Having a sister can be pain.

I got up and headed to the kitchen, not sure if I was hungry or was just seeking a distraction. There was a light coming from the kitchen door, and when I entered the room, I found my dad in front of the opened fridge.

"Can't sleep?" I asked nervously, not knowing if I should stay or get back to my room.

"No." He sighed and poured himself a glass of iced tea. "I keep thinking about your friend's father. Do you know that he's two years younger than me?"

"No, I didn't know. Do you think he'll be all right?"

"I certainly hope so. I called the hospital again this evening. It looks promising so far, but it's a long run. It'll take weeks before we'll be sure. Will you get to talk to Jasper tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I'll go to the hospital in the morning. Jasper refused to leave. He's sleeping in the waiting room," I added, still feeling like a traitor.

I stared at the opened fridge, thinking why my dad had this strange habit to use the fridge as an air-con. "May I?" I shut the fridge and crouched down to the lower compartment.

"Has Nikki been at home lately?" I asked after a while with my head in the freezer. My fingers were already cold from rummaging through the ice cream containers. "I mean, what normal person likes raspberry ice cream? Couldn't she have bought some vanilla too?" I stared at the pink disaster in my mother's fridge.

"Well, you can go shopping yourself, Son." My dad chuckled, leaning against the countertops. "Nikki's at school already. She won't do it for you."

"Hmm." With a sigh, I grabbed one of the pink containers, and not bothering with a bowl, I took a spoon, sat down at the table, and dug in.

"Dad, I want to tell you something. You may want to sit down," I stuttered nervously after a few scoops.

He pulled out the chair opposite to mine, and the chair's legs screeched on the tiled floor. I could feel the hair standing up on the back of my neck, and I stared at the tablecloth, not feeling like talking. I still wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing. I eyed my dad's long, thin fingers resting calmly on the glass, half-filled with tea. I wished I felt this calm. My spoon was circling the container, scooping up more and more ice cream, but I wasn't eating.

"I've been putting it off for many years," I mumbled into my ice cream. "But I don't think I can do it anymore. It's like living a lie." I stilled my hand with the scooped ice cream in midway and finally glanced at my father.

Is this the last time he's going to look at me approvingly? Am I ruining everything? Will all my fears come true if I say it? I cowardly thought about taking my words back.

But then I remembered Jasper.

I don't want us to live separately when we return from Japan one day, I thought. We will return together, right?

I glanced at my dad as he raised his glass to take a sip. I needed to prefer my happiness over my father's approval. But damn, I didn't want to make that kind of decision.

"I'm gay, Dad," I blurted and held my breath, almost expecting the ceiling to collapse down and bury me in ruins forever.

The drink never made it to his lips, and he slowly put the glass on the table. The longer the silence was, the darker my thoughts became. The spoon with the sorbet never made it to my lips either, and I was nervously tapping my fingers on the spoon handle. I should have kept my mouth shut. I'd been living the lie for so many years. I should have bitten my tongue and shut up.

The silence in the kitchen was interrupted just by the tickling of the wall watch above the kitchen sink. When my dad finally acknowledged that I was there, his reaction was nothing I hoped it would be.

"Damn, Edward, what are you doing?" He pushed against the table and got up.

"What?" I panicked. "I didn't do anything. You think it's easy? I can't change it. Even with Bella—what are you—? You think that I'm going to cry or what?" I stared at the box of Kleenex he was handing me.

"Clean your own mess."

"What? What mess?" I was quickly losing ground. "What have I done?"

He pointedly looked down, and I followed his gaze. "Oh shit!" I stared at the large pink stain on the pristine white tablecloth. "I said Nikki should have bought the vanilla! Shit!" I grabbed the tissues, and in an attempt to make things better, I successfully smeared the ice cream into the shape and size of the Africa.

My fingers were glued to the sticky pink ball of tissues, and I hopelessly glanced up at Dad. "Mom will kill me."

"Well, I hope your boyfriend knows his way around a kitchen." Dad smirked at me, grabbed the tablecloth, and carried it to the sink.

Did he just say _your boyfriend_? I managed to shut my mouth before he glanced back at me.

"You live with someone, don't you?" My dad asked into the sound of the bubbling water.

"I thought you hadn't heard me…" I pictured this moment many times in my mind, but never like this. My gaze fell onto the tablecloth overflowing from the sink. "Jasper doesn't need to know anything about cleaning stains. And we don't use tablecloths, anyway."

"So, it's Jasper, huh? I don't blame you. I hate them too."

"What?" I sank into the chair. Had something changed while I was abroad? My dad had always been very normal. Had he been just pretending?

I rested my forehead in my palms and stared at the big pink Y on the container. Drops of water were rolling down the bucket, and God knows why it reminded me of Jasper. And I got instantly pissed. Did he say _hate_?

"What did you mean that you hated him? You don't even know him!" I barked, ready to tear apart anyone who would talk badly about _my_ Jasper, even if it was my father, but I realized that I was in alone the kitchen.

"That went really great." I traced the wood grain on the table top, and my heart ached for Jasper. I longed for the happy days in Kyoto, for his touch, his kisses, and I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and tell me that he was not going anywhere and that everything would be fine.

Instead, I put the ice cream back into the freezer and headed for the door to turn off the lights, climb back into my bed and hug my pillow. I registered the sound of the washing machine from the laundry room and remembered that I really must thank Nikki for ruining my day.

"Leaving? Have you cleaned the table?"

Fuck the table. I am going to bed, I thought and tried to ignore my dad, the table and the whole damn world.

"What does Jasper do that drives you crazy, Edward?"

I turned around on the spot and clenched my fists. How dare he! Hadn't he said enough already?

He handed me the new tablecloth. "Esme insists on using white, heavily starched tablecloths. I hate them. I guess I've already told you." He chuckled and wiped the tabletop clean. "I have my quirks too, but you don't need to know them." He threw the washcloth to the bottom of the kitchen sink. "The point is we all have them. If you want to stay in a long-term relationship, you should be aware of them and respect them."

I spread the tablecloth on the table. "Jasper doesn't have any quirks." I pouted.

"And you?"

I sat down and nervously look at Dad. "Do I?"

"Everybody has them, Son. Nikki will never remember to stock up on vanilla." He smirked at me.

Everybody has them…I am pretty sure I don't have any. But what if Jasper thinks I do? What if he can't stand them?

"Does Jasper make you happy?" My father asked, interrupting my thoughts.

Just hearing Jasper's name was enough to make me smile. I missed him. It's been hours since I saw him, since I kissed him. Our making love yesterday morning seemed like from a different time and world.

"It's not enough to feel happy, Dad," I said quietly. "It's not enough. He makes me feel secure and loved and supported. He built my world from the scratch when someone else, the one I felt tremendously happy with, crumbled it to pieces. I can't imagine my future without him."

I couldn't remember if I ever had been this open with my dad. I wasn't able to look at him, and my fingers were helplessly searching for some crumbs to play with.

He stilled my nervous hands. "It's great that you've managed to find someone who can be all this to you, Son."

"Actually, he's sort of found me." I smiled hesitantly and dared glance at him.

"So, is that why you're here?"

"Yeah, I couldn't have let him go alone." I nodded and then added, "I am sorry, Dad."

"What for? That you didn't tell me years ago?"

My eyes got wide. That was not what I meant. But well, yes. It would have been nice to have his support years ago.

I guess he could see the inner struggle mirroring on my face because he laughed. "Come on, Edward, give me more credit. We both know that this was never your decision to make."

I forgot about my insecurities and shyness and leaned over the table to hug him. "I really should've told you years ago. I am sorry." So many years of hiding, of lies and pretending, so many panic attacks that I'd left hints that would lead to my outing. I should have known better. I should have trust him more.

I squeezed his shoulder and kept blinking, trying to get a grip of myself and overcome the lump in my throat.

"Son?"

I felt Dad's hand on my shoulder, pulling me away hesitantly, but I wasn't ready to let go. All those years, all my depressive months in Japan…Could I have prevented them?

"Ed?" My father cleared his throat, and I could feel the nervousness from my silly behavior almost radiating from him. We kept our distance usually, and when I finally felt it was safe to pull away, I whispered, "I'm sorry."

The sound of the wall o'clock was suddenly deafening.

"How do you think Mom will take it?" I said after a while.

My dad gladly took the bait. He leaned against the backrest and smiled. "Never underestimate her, Edward."

"Are you saying that she already knows?"

"No, she's never mentioned it. But I wouldn't fear her reaction. What about Jasper? Has he come out to his parents?"

"He told his mother today. It turned out she'd already known. I guess his father's reaction won't be so nice, though. They decided not to tell him yet."

I stared at my hands. Within a week, my world has turned upside down. No, in fact, it turned 'downside down.' I smiled. "Thanks, Dad."

"Right." He got up. "Don't stay up too late. You should tell your mother tomorrow. I won't do it for you." He glanced at me and chuckled.

**...  
><strong>

Sunday was wonderful. Jasper wasn't mad at me. We celebrated our coming out, and I even managed to give him a long kiss when we had the waiting room just for ourselves in the morning. He kept protesting and blushing, and I had a great time teasing him.

We carefully avoided the fact that I would have to leave the very next day.

When I came home in the afternoon, I was in great mood, whistling the wedding Canon Alice had planted in my head.

I'd never imagined my father accepting my revelation so easily. The hardest part was already behind me. I dropped my bag on the floor in the living room and sat down on the couch next to my mom.

Somehow, I was wrong.

"No, you are not," she said after my revelation and shut the book she had been reading.

I blinked in surprise.

"Sweetie, you're just confused. You love Bella, and I know she loves you. I saw you two together at the last Thanksgiving dinner, remember? You two had been inseparable before you left for Japan."

I stared at the bright book cover in her hands. The Thanksgiving dinner? Was Bella even there? How could we have been inseparable when I was dating Logan? I mean, I brought her over several times, but—has my mother filtered out some parts of my life that she didn't want to see?

"You can never build a stable relationship with a man. Bella loves you. I am sure you have feelings for her too."

Feelings? Sure, she was a great friend. She was always there for me when I got into romantic troubles, but—

"A marriage and a family is what counts. You can never have that with a man."

Mom kept talking, sounding so understanding and loving, and yet making me feel more and more miserable. I felt beaten. The thought that my mother was telling me who I should sleep with was so absurd and humiliating that I kept trying to persuade my own brain that I none of it was happening.

When she suggested that I should call Bella and take her out, I didn't protest. I knew my mother was on a mission, and nothing was going to stop her. And I wanted to see Bella anyway. She had been the only one who knew about all my breakups and about the real reason why I left for Japan. I was dying to tell her about Jasper.

But somehow I never managed to do that.

**...  
><strong>

"You can't be serious!" Bella was giggling so hard that people in the cafeteria kept glancing in our direction.

I leaned across the table to her and hissed. "Bella, stop it! She was dead serious. I bet she is browsing the internet right now and buying some sickly sweet baby clothes. Bella, God damn, stop laughing!" I sat back and hid my face behind my palms. My heart was thumping like mad, and Bella's giggling sounded more and more malicious to my ears when I remembered my mother's speech.

_You can never build a stable relationship with a man._

Maybe she was right. Over the past years I'd never managed to have a long-term relationship with a man. She was right. Shit.

So many times I wished I wasn't gay. If I was straight, I could have a wife and kids and be _normal_. Half of my problems would disappear. The life of straight people is so easy.

I glanced at Bella. She looked so happy, still grinning ear to ear. I pictured myself coming home to her, having dinner, telling her about my day. So far so good. But when my mind wandered to a bed, I could feel the hair standing on the back of my neck. I mean, I could marry a woman. But sleep with her? Eww.

And suddenly a thought knocked the air out of my lungs.

Jasper…He had some relationships with women, right? Does it mean that he sees it too? Does he plan to get married to a woman in the future?

Bella's hand on my wrist suddenly felt very cold.

"Betty will laugh her head off when I tell her on Monday." She chuckled.

"Who's Betty?"

"Oh, I told you. She is the new one at the office. Do you ever listen when I call you?"

"Sure I d—" Betty? I could hear a warning alarm in my head. What did Jasper say when I told him the news? I said the name of his aunt wrong. And he said…that he had just one aunt, Becky. Just _one_ aunt.

So, who the hell is Jessica?

Bella kept taking, but I wasn't listening anymore.

Jessica, the one who is on pills, and Jasper knows so many things about her depression? I thought she was his aunt. I've always pictured her as a crazy old woman who fed stray cats. If she is not his aunt…who is she? His…girlfriend? I could feel a hot wave of jealously running through my body.

"What?" I noticed that Bella was waiting for my answer on something I didn't hear.

"I said I liked your mom. She is funny," she said, and I could hear a teasing in the tone of her voice.

"She is crazy. She said you loved me." My mind was still on Jessica, and I was not in the teasing mood.

"She can be very observant."

"Nonsense, she sees what she wants to see. She also said I loved you."

I glanced up at her in surprise as she blurted, "I gotta go."

"Bella? What's wrong? Where are you going?" I had no idea what had gotten into her; sometimes I really didn't know what was going on in her head. Before I could stop her, she was already halfway to the door.

"Bella?" When I finally got out of the cafeteria, her truck was already pulling away from the parking lot.

Women! No way am I going to marry one of them.

**...  
><strong>

"I can't believe I am leaving alone." We had said our good-byes several times already, but here I was at the SEA-TAC, discreetly holding Jasper's hand, frightened by the thought that in just one hour I'd be on my way back to Japan, alone. "You really don't know when you'll come?" The same question, asked for the hundredth time.

"I'll be back soon, silly. I promise." The same indefinite answer.

"What's _soon_? Soon is tomorrow. I so wish you could be back tomorrow. I can't imagine being there without you."

The flight and the first week were the worst. We spent hours on Skype and intercontinental calls. There wasn't an hour in my alone days that didn't include him. But I still felt incomplete, half of my soul being a thousand miles away, my heart beating on another continent. It didn't help much that Jasper seemed to feel the same way.

But after several weeks I started to be nervous. He was away for so long. He even managed to arrange things with his office so that he could work from Houston when his father was discharged from the hospital. Maybe he didn't want to come back at all? Did he meet someone at home?

The time without him felt like hell.

During September, they started to show on the TV how the leaves kept turning red in the mountains of Hokkaido.

Every time I looked out from our window to the city garden, I was painfully aware Momiji was approaching, and if Jasper wouldn't come back soon, there would be nobody I could share the beauty with.

People at the office said it wouldn't be until mid-November that the leaves would turn red in Tokyo, but it didn't brighten my mood. Jasper was away, and sometimes — when I lay in our bed alone — I wondered if I hadn't disappointed him during our last days together.

But then I remembered our long talks full of love and longing, and I hoped things were all right between us.

Coming out to his father was as bad as Jasper had imagined. And after that day, Jasper finally called that he was going to come back in a few days.

**...  
><strong>

"This won't do either!" I was standing in front of my wardrobe, frustrated about my lack of clothes. I mean, the clothes were everywhere, but none of them seemed good enough for the day.

Jasper was coming home!

I glanced at my watch again. I hadn't talked to him since he got on the plane about eight hours ago. His plane was supposed to land in just three hours, and here I was, wearing just my briefs, staring at the mess I'd created over the last twenty minutes. My best suits on the bed, the t-shirt that I bought last week especially for this occasion, on the floor, on the pile of other clothes.

I chuckled at the idea that I could go in my current outfit. Then I noticed the time.

Shit. I'm going to be late. The jeans I had on yesterday will have to do.

I fished them out of the pile on the armchair in front of the TV and put them on. Then I grabbed the empty chips bags and the pizza box and threw it on the countertop in the kitchen. It was half past one already. I should have started much sooner, I thought. I pulled the new t-shirt on, grabbed the rest of the clothes, and push them on the shelf in my wardrobe. It'll have to do now.

I grabbed the key and run down the stairs to the waiting taxi. 

I was waiting for him at Narita, pacing, counting minutes till his arrival.

When I finally saw him in the crowd, my heart skipped a beat. His hair seemed to be a bit longer. His eyes were scanning the crowd, looking for me. And I needed to take a deep breath when I noticed his dark blue button down shirt. He looked more gorgeous than my memory gave him credit for.

When our eyes locked, all the people in the crowded Tokyo airport faded into the background. I hadn't noticed when or where he had dropped his carry-on, but suddenly his hands were free and buried in my hair. Even if I hadn't thought of Tokyo as an open-minded city, I wouldn't have stopped him. I needed the feeling of his lips crushed to mine as much as he did, and I was grateful that he threw his shyness into the wind and didn't mind all the people around us.

"Love, I missed you so much. It's been so long," he breathed out when our lips parted. He shoved his hand in my back pocket and pulled my hips closer to his. "I can't believe you've put on the jeans. God, I want to pour hot water on you, just like in Kyoto."

I smiled. "I changed twice before leaving for the airport."

"Is there a place where I can get you out of them, though?"

"Umm, home perhaps?"

Jasper pulled his hand out of my pocket, glanced at his wrist watch and then back at me, grazing his lips with his fingertips. "Baby, you don't get it, do you?" He smirked at me. "I mean, don't get me wrong — you are great at cybersex." His index finger was slowly sliding down my neck, and suddenly it was me who was nervous about the people around. His light touch was driving my body crazy. My gaze was locked on his, and my heart took off at full pace when I realized he didn't plan to stop his teasing.

His fingertip already moved past my collar and was above my thumping heart, missing my nipple just by an inch. I should stop him, but not right now…God, I missed his touch.

"But," Jasper continued, clearly amused by my dilemma, "I want the real thing, sweetheart."

His finger was sliding down my stomach. "And now it's the rush hour, baby. It would take ages to get home."

I grasped his teasing hand before he could get past my belt. "A hotel then?" I blurted.

Jasper hooked his finger behind my belt and leaned closer. "Still too far away." His whispering lips were almost touching my ear, and I got weak in the knees.

I cleared my throat, trying to ignore his teasing and get my dignity back.

"So, baby?" He stepped closer, grazing my inner thigh, and I gave up.

"Stop, stop it. God, you are making me crazy. There is a hotel at the airport."

"Oh, that's a great idea, babe." He smirked at me and picked up his small carry-on.

I exhaled loudly, thinking where the hell he'd left my old shy Jasper. This whirlwind would be hard to tame. Instead, I asked, "Where is the rest of your luggage?"

"I have everything I need," he said and wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

I wasn't sure later why I'd asked for the suite on the top floor. I never made it to the window, anyway. Heck, we even didn't make it to the bed the first time.

**...  
><strong>

It was way after midnight when I let my gaze follow the curves of Jasper's silhouette against the lighted sky. He was here. Even after so many kisses and touches, I could hardly believe it.

I smiled. Everything will be all right from now on.

"Jasper?" I said lightly and pulled the blanket up my chest. "I am so glad you are here, babe. It was awful to live here alone. We can do so many things together now. We can see Momiji. They say it's almost here. I've found the perfect garden. I bet you haven't seen it yet. It's small, and it's quite far from our home, but it's just beautiful. I kept going there after work and dreamed I was there with you. And there is a new chef in our restaurant. He knows how to make the best curry. We can go there tomorrow. And the neighbors from downstairs have a new litter, and I was thinking…would you like to have a dog? There is this puppy, and he is gorgeous. I swear his eyes are blue. What do you think, Jas? Will you have a look at him tomorrow? We could name him Max II. He can sleep under our bed."

"We need to talk."

"You don't like the name? We can talk about it, but you know I really miss Max, and I thought—"

"Edward, stop it!"

I looked at him, confused. He doesn't want to have a dog? Why?

He was looking up, watching an airplane come in to land.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Ed, I didn't tell you the truth. I wasn't on vacation all those weeks. I've been fired." He turned around from the window and looked at me. "I've been offered a new job, though. It's in Singapore. I'm leaving in a week."


	13. Loving You in Good and in Bad Times

**Disclaimer**: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer

Many thanks to Project Team Beta for their help and all their suggestions.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 13 – Loving You in Good and in Bad Times<strong>

_2011, Singapore_

JPOV. The chapter starts at the same day that E spends at the Seattle airport. 

"Do you have a table for the seventeenth by any chance? Yes, the next day. No, I understand. I know. Cancel the original reservation, please."

I hang up and look out of the window at the river. A small ferry boat is pushing off the pier to make room for another one. Men in suits, women dressed for the office or for leisure, tourists with backpacks and cameras hanging around their necks — everybody is trying to get out of the boat quickly, to make room for other people trying to get in. It's almost noon, and the place is full of life.

The house is not far from the small pier. During the first weeks of my stay in Singapore it had been an attraction, and many times I watched skillful helmsmen, steering their small passenger boats and loudly luring new passengers in. I could hear their calling 'til evening hours.

Eventually, it lost its newness, and I've gotten used to it. I admit, that now — three years after moving in — I almost don't know the pier is there.

I step up to the window and open it, letting the hot and humid air flow inside. Instantly, the whole lively harbor filters in: hot sunrays, noise from the pier, unmistakable _tuk tuk_ of the little motorboats, delivering fruits, other goods and passengers up and down the river, the calling of the street vendors selling all kinds of snack, and muffled sounds from the nearby restaurant.

I take a deep breath, taking in the alluring smell of the sea, the heavy smell of roses from the garden below and…garlic. I chuckle and lean out of the window, checking the washing lines in the window two floors below. Yep, Suzanne has come home today. That's why Tom spent the morning doing laundry, tidying up and cooking her favorite garlic chicken. They moved in a couple of months ago, right after their wedding. She keeps leaving on business trips, and every time the day of her arrival approaches, Tom falls into cleaning and cooking frenzy.

I'd prefer Japanese over Chinese anytime. But if Edward wanted it, I'd happily stop breathing and cook this crazy meal for him, full of garlic and soy sauce.

But he's not coming home. It feels like ages since I last saw him.

For the hundredth time, I am thinking that maybe moving to Singapore was a big mistake. If we stayed in Tokyo, would things go so wrong there too?

The front door below clicks, and then an orange cannon ball flies across the street towards the harbor. I hold my breath, waiting for the yell. Every time Mrs. Chang walks her peki-pom, it looks like the little dog is in fact walking her. The few Cantonese swear words that I know, I've learned from Mrs. Chang.

It's strictly forbidden in Singapore to walk dogs without keeping them on a leash, unless you are at designated dog runs where you can let them free. Somehow, the law never seemed to bother the old lady, and it definitely doesn't mean a thing to Bunny.

_2008, Singapore_

"Shit! Can't you put it away already? The box's been here since Monday." I was pissed. We'd moved in a couple of weeks ago, and all Edward's stuff was still unpacked. Boxes full of clothes, books and other things were scattered around the apartment.

"Have you seen my binder?" I asked in a loud, harsh voice, not knowing where Edward actually was. Nothing was in its place. In the morning, I had to go through two still unopened boxes to find a spare teapot. When I finally found it in the bedroom in a box marked 'assorted,' I was pissed and late.

"Edward, where the hell are you?"

"In here!"

I opened the door of the spare room, and what I saw didn't improve my mood at all. "What's that?"

"It's Bunny. Mrs. Chang asked me to keep an eye on him for a while. He's cute, isn't he?"

"Bunny? Someone can actually name a dog Bunny?" I eyed the little orange thing at Edward's feet, wanting to mockingly ask where the fluffy ball had its head, but then I remembered, "Have you seen my yellow binder?"

"I haven't. Was it important?"

"If it wasn't important, I wouldn't have asked, would I?"

Edward sat down on the floor and buried his face into the dog's fur. "You've been so antsy lately."

"I have a deadline tomorrow, you know? At least one of us needs to keep his job," I said and slammed the door behind me.

The loud bang was echoing through the empty, unfurnished apartment, mixing with the frantic barking of the little dog.

I leaned against the wall next to the door and slowly slid to the floor. The anger disappeared with my slamming the door, and now panic was tiptoeing around me, silently threatening to throw its arms around my neck. I'll never make it. The house in Tokyo hasn't been sold yet, and my spare money is dwindling fast. We're still living out of suitcases and boxes because the container ship hasn't left the Port of Tokyo yet. Nothing is going well.

I had to fly to Singapore three times before the contract was signed and before everything was prepared for our moving-in. I was assigned to start on January 1st, which meant our first Christmas together was simply nonexistent. All our things, including some pieces of furniture, were already packed into a huge wooden container and waiting at the dock to be shipped to Singapore by a container ship. The rest of our stuff was either scattered around the empty apartment or already packed in one of our suitcases or in another smaller box.

We'd been in the city for a month already, and all I'd seen so far was the subway. I'd never worked for a woman, but Maria wasn't an ordinary boss anyway. She was an evil general, and she apparently thought that the best motivation for the employees was stress.

The rumors about her hadn't been exaggerated. She had a strange gift of making people feel miserable the moment she marched into their offices.

I hadn't slept much in the past two months, and I was dead tired. Edward had been at home the entire time, nothing was unpacked, and he was making friends with every dog in the neighborhood. I was spent and ready to snap.

The job was stressful, but my constantly doubting the decision to leave Japan was even worse. I hated that I'd been forced to make the choice. It was either my father or Edward. And even though I tried to fool myself into believing that the change would help Edward with his depression, I hadn't anticipated the impact the move would have on our relationship.

I wrapped my arms around my knees, wishing I could go back and make the decision once more.

_2011, Singapore_

I stare at the pavement in front of the house, not seeing it really. Was that the turning point in our relationship? The moment when everything started to go downhill?

There were so many crossroads, perhaps if I made a different decision, things would have been…different.

I eye Mrs. Chang who is still looking for Bunny along the river edge.

Which was the point where I made the wrong decision? When I took the job with SPH? Or when I told him, "You have to go. I can't take it anymore"?

That seems to be such a turning point. But deep down, I still feel that it was the only possible thing I could have said. The relief when Edward finally left was enormous. I finally felt free and safe.

No, I am sure, I didn't go wrong there. I didn't have a choice. We weren't at a crossroad at that moment; there was just this road, or a dead end.

Or someone's dead body. I wince at the thought, running my fingers across the scar, and I shut the window.

"So?"

I turn around to face the man at the opposite side of the room and shake my head. He is leaning against the doorway, a handful of cashew nuts in his palm. I notice two of them lying at his feet, and I briefly think that Edward definitely wouldn't like that.

"What about a club tonight?" he asks.

I shake my head again. "I'll stay; I want to be alone tonight. I'll be okay, really."

"Are you sure?" He comes closer, and I lean into this touch, relishing the familiar, soothing vibes.

"Yeah, I'm sure." I stay in his embrace motionlessly, and when I finally find the strength to pull away, I grab his hand and steal a good portion of the cashews from him.

He chuckles and wraps his arms around me to win them back, and we fight until it reminds me how much I miss Edward's arms around me. I stay still, closing my eyes, leaning into his touch again, pressing my back against his chest.

He notices the shift in my mood. "Hmm, Jay, what kind of game is that?"

I stop and stare at his joined hands on my stomach, feeling incredibly lonely.

He rests his chin on my shoulder. "You're sure you don't want to go?"

I shake my head, and his short hair tickles my cheek.

"Okay, babe," he whispers, and with a chuckle, grabs a good half of the cashews from my hand.

He is out of the door before I can effectively protest.

I listen to his rummaging in the kitchen, then the front door clicks, and I am alone. Sitting in the armchair, I put my feet on the low table and toy with the rest of the cashews in my hand.

Maybe I shouldn't have broken up with Brian in first place. If I stayed in Houston, none of this would have happened. But, I can't bring myself to accept that moving to Tokyo and meeting Edward could have been a mistake.

_2001-2007, Japan_

I closed the door behind me and leaned against it, exhausted. I had been dreaming about that moment for all those years of my journalism studies. And now I was here, in Tokyo, with a two year contract with Asahi Shimbun newspapers in my pocket, but I couldn't find it in me to feel happy. All I felt was emptiness, loss, and emotional and physical exhaustion from the long day.

Two years of a decently paid job that I loved was bought up by leaving everything and everybody behind.

I checked my phone. No missed calls, no texts. Had Brian forgotten me already? Was it a mistake to break up with him and move away?

I shut the curtains to stop the sunlight, and not caring about the early time, I crashed into bed, tired and sleepy.

I missed Brian's touch, his jokes and even the annoying fact that he always saw right through me. I hugged my pillow, doubting my decision all over again.

-..-

Things settled a bit during the next few weeks. One more problem, other than being lonely, kept bothering me though.

The assigned one bedroom apartment was fine, but with the prospect of living there for several years, the small room seemed to become even smaller, and the view from my window facing the wall of the opposite building annoyed me more and more.

Like everybody in Japan, I spent more hours at work than was usual in the States. I thought at first that I would look at the flat just as a place to crash, but it didn't work that way. The less time I was able to spend there, the higher my demands on the flat became.

Finding an apartment that I would like and could afford to pay for was a real challenge. The usual size was around 250 sq. feet, one room with a kitchen counter and a small bathroom. Typically, there was no view, so it usually had windows with sanded glass. Monthly rent for an apartment like that started around $850.

I had a two year contract that I hoped would be prolonged, and after doing some math, I decided buying an apartment could be more reasonable than renting it. The problem was that I didn't want to buy an apartment I didn't _really_ like. Prices for two bedroom apartments in relatively new buildings started at around 600 grand. Plus $250 - $700 monthly fee. I was back at going through rental ads.

In spring, I was about ready to give up when I came across a two bedroom apartment that I loved at first sight.

It was just several minutes from Akasa subway station. Its size was 580 sq. feet; the building was unusually low, probably because it was built in 1970. What made me fall for the apartment though, was not the fact that it had _five_ balconies. It was the view. How often can you enjoy a view into a park in a city as large as Tokyo? I needed to sell my apartment in Houston and add to my savings but after paying 360 grand plus $380 monthly fee, half of the top sixth floor was mine.

The only thing more difficult was to explain to the representative of my company the fact that I didn't want to live in the assigned flat.

My moving-in represented dropping my suitcases on the floor. There was no furniture in the apartment.

The first piece of furniture I bought was a large comfortable bed. Chairs and a small table that I put on the balcony were next.

I was home.

The only downside of the arrangement was that Brian didn't celebrate with me. The other chair remained vacant, and I realized that I'd need to get used to the idea eventually. To find the strength in me to accept that I can't be mad at him for not wanting to leave everything and everyone behind and move with me to Japan, even though he knew this was my dream job.

I put the other chair back inside and grabbed my phone. I may not need two chairs, but I am not alone here, I thought, dialing his number. We talked for a long time, and I held onto the idea of him still being here with me like it was my lifeline.

I was the happiest man alive when I could take a week off in April. We spent a big part of my vacation sailing in the Gulf of Mexico. Brian then continued to watch the yachts coming from Rio to Miami. The next leg of the Volvo Open Race started from Miami on April 14, and it saddened me to no end that I couldn't go there with him. I knew Brian would be glowing from happiness just because of being in the middle of it all.

I invited him to spend his vacation with me several months later, and it was great. But the closer his last day in Tokyo got, the more clouded our personal sky became. The very last evening was awful.

I knew I was pushing him. Brian wanted to talk. I didn't. I knew that it was probably the last time we would see each other, and I had enough of my own reproaches. I didn't need to hear his. I was sick of the situation I'd gotten us into. I avoided every possible threat of having 'the talk.' When I dragged Brian to a two hour long kabuki performance on our very last day, he lost it.

We fought and said things we shouldn't have. The worst thing was the sex that followed was awesome. It wasn't about making peace after the fight. It was more like a grand finale of the quarrel. Aggressive and frenzied. I was blinded by possessiveness, and the idea of me being the key to our no-win situation enraged me beyond belief. It was me who left him, and now I had to accept the impact of my decision. I had no one to blame, and the hopelessness I felt was making me want to punch, to scream and to cry.

Brian probably felt the same way, and our last night together turned more into a fight than into lovemaking. When I woke up the next morning, my limbs entangled with his in tight embrace, all my muscles were sore. The bruise on my rib cage started turning blue; I had my body marked by his teeth and fingers. When I leaned closer to kiss his swollen lips, I hissed in pain.

"I hate myself."

Brian smirked at me. "Well, I hate you too. How am I supposed to go back now?"

I kept returning to his words many times during the lonely months that followed, but I was never completely sure what he'd meant. The sore spot on his jaw that turned blue already? Ruptured lips? Great sex? Or broken heart?

Our phone calls hadn't ceased over the years, but gradually, teasing words took the place of passionate ones. There were enough gay and gaijin (foreigners) friendly bars not to feel lonely or sexually ravenous, but I hardly ever invited anyone over. There was always just one chair on the balcony.

As time passed I fell into a routine. On Friday or Saturday nights, I used to go out with guys from the newsroom. It usually turned into a drinking spree after which I wished I'd never get that crazy idea again.

Time flew by. The Friday night crowd changed; some married, some moved on. I still went out with the guys, but found myself drawn, more often, to my special place — The Hyatt Park Hotel.

The New York Bar was located on the 52nd floor, and the view from its large windows was stunning. So was their collection of premium brandies, cognac and whiskeys.

What drew me the most to the place, though, was jazz. There was a constantly rotating roster of jazz artists and, after a week in a busy office, sitting there and listening to the music felt like heaven.

One night in 2007, I arrived too early for the regular performance which usually began at 8 p.m.

It was only six, and somebody else was playing the piano.

I couldn't take my eyes off him. He looked like he was just playing for himself, not acknowledging that there were curious eyes, loud talking and the clatter of tableware. Lost in his own world, he kept playing 'til seven, filling the half-empty bar with his melancholic music.

I was trying to pluck up the courage to approach him, but he seemed to be too distant and reserved, never making eye contact with anyone, never smiling. When he closed the fallboard and nodded at one of the bartenders, I finally noticed that he was not alone.

There were five men at his table, and I could hear snatches of English and Japanese conversation. All of them seemed to have a great time, except for him. He kept his eyes on his drink, and it took me forever to mentally will him to meet my gaze.

I never imagined that the evening would lead into something more.

We met several times during the next few weeks, usually at that bar. He was carefully avoiding everything sexual, and I started to think that I'd lost my touch. But his wandering eyes were hard to miss and ignore.

He was a nice guy to talk to, seemed to be caring and sensitive, and I was stunned by the fact that our first night together was about the same as mine and Brian's last one. We were beaten, bruised and drained.

"I'm sorry," he said that first night after he caught his breath.

I'd never had a guy who felt the need to apologize the morning after. He was full of surprises.

"What for?"

"You need to ask?"

"I don't mind rough, you know?" In fact, I quite enjoyed myself, but he seemed to be so unhinged that I didn't bring that up.

"I do."

He does mind rough? Not even rubbing my wrist and flexing my fingers let me forget the feeling of his fingers tightly gripping my hand, his hot breath washing over my neck, his body pressing mine into the mattress. I shivered at the thought of how good he could be, if…but he said he did mind rough…pity. It didn't make any sense. Unless…

"You're getting over someone." It wasn't a question, and I didn't need to hear his answer.

"Give me five, and I'm out of here."

I was baffled. "Why would you do that?"

"I am full of rage. I'll lose control one day and hurt you."

"Hey, don't flatter yourself." If he wasn't broken, he would've been funny actually.

"My heart is not in it, Jasper. It wouldn't be fair to stay. I thought I was over him, it's been a month already, but I'm not."

The best view from my apartment was not from the large living room, but from the two adjacent bedrooms that were both facing the park.

We were still sitting in my bed, and I couldn't take my eyes off the second chair on my balcony. Edward had brought it there from the living room the day before so that we could enjoy our drinks after we had finished the dinner.

Do I want to get back to the only-one-chair-on-the-balcony apartment?

"Stay." It's time to take another step, I thought. "There is a spare bedroom, you can have it. Just roommates, if you want." I can do without sex if he's not ready, but that chair means that everything is getting back to normal. Alone is not normal. Hell, I've been alone for years. I'm sick of alone.

And then, after he moved in, he slowly started to talk about this guy and about the happily ever after that had never come. I would have never known if he made their relationship look better than it actually was, but according to him this guy, this Logan, was the one for him, they were madly in love, and the fact that he didn't know why it hadn't worked out, haunted him.

I hadn't had that with Brian. I'd never thought about him as Mr. Right, and he never let me know I was the one for him. But, I knew very well what Edward was going through.

I was painfully aware that once there was somebody who loved me the same way Edward loved his Logan. But I'd lost her.

The more he opened up to me, the more depressive his mood became. When I offered him the spare bedroom, I hoped it would be a new beginning for me. But after several days of living together, I knew he was the one who needed help, not me. I could already feel how unstable he was, sliding to the verge of depression. I knew from the very first week of his stay what I was getting myself into. And because of that, I couldn't make myself to kick him out.

I tried to take care of him, my physical attraction to him slowly changing into something more. And I slowly and dangerously fell in love with him. That was a mistake. Because it held me back. I was too gentle, too caring, never able to kick his butt anymore.

And that was exactly what I should have done when he came up with that fucking idea to go back to Seattle. Two months went by without Logan's attempt to contact him and make things right.

I knew that nothing good would come out of his going back.

And it didn't.

He never called me during those three days he spent in Seattle. When the cab dropped him off in front of our house again, he locked himself in his room and stayed there for the rest of the weekend. He pulled it together on Monday and the next morning and the next one. Every time when he dropped his briefcase by the door in the afternoon though, his brain switched off. He spent his free time in bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Several weeks went by, and he didn't get any better.

Sometimes, I offered him my company. If I was lucky, he didn't respond, and I could hold him, lying in his bed. Most of the time, though, he just growled his "Go away," and I returned to my room, filling my desk with origami models. Folding the handmade papers calmed me and helped me get my mind off my worries and bad thoughts.

He oscillated between rage and resignation, moving back and forth, the intervals between the depressed periods getting shorter. The stress from his struggle started to take a toll on me.

-..-

"Gomen nasai," I stuttered on the phone and felt the hotness of embarrassment washing over my face. "Kake machigae mashita." The air in the room seemed to lack oxygen, and I was frantically undoing the upper buttons of my shirt, listening to the soothing voice of the woman on the other side of the line. "Sumimasen," I apologized once more and hung up.

I got up, trying to shake the embarrassment away. It seemed that I'd almost made a reservation of two spots at one of the Tokyo cemeteries.

Did I dial a wrong number? I checked again, but the number on my cell screen was the same as the one in the newspaper ad. Was it a typo? Or—

I looked at the door of Edward's bedroom. Was it a sign?

I hated signs. I hated that my nightmares were back. Edward had confirmed my worst worries the day before, mentioning — for the first time — his suicidal thoughts.

I did my best to keep the strong façade, but inside I was panicking like mad. I haven't slept at all last night. My arm was tightly wrapped around Edward's waist, and my lips were parched from my constant biting them. I would do anything to keep my nightmares, my deepest worries and his destructive thoughts away.

But there was simply nothing I could do. I knew that if he decided to pull it off, there would be no way to stop him. It terrified me that I might wake up in the morning one day, and he would be gone.

I put my optimistic mask on in the morning again, relieved that he was still there, scared by the problems that I expected to come. We were supposed to leave for Kyoto, and Edward didn't know about my plan yet.

I looked at my phone again. I just wanted to make a reservation in a charming restaurant in Kyoto, but apparently it wasn't meant to be.

I was sleepy and emotionally exhausted. Luckily, Edward didn't put up a big fight when I told him about my plans.

He seemed happy on our way to Kyoto, but then broke down seemingly without a reason the minute we entered our room. This was just the first dip and hill on the rollercoaster I found myself on, but it gave me a feeling about how scary the loops would be. I was too much in love to care. It was time for someone to kick _my_ butt.

And it turned out Edward was more than capable of taking the job.

-..-

"Come, you'll love it! It's one of the most beautiful sights in Japan." I took his hand and pulled slightly when he didn't move. "We can sit down over there." I pointed to the bench near the water's edge.

Edward sat down, and he kept looking at the golden reflection on the water's surface.

"They built it as close to the water as possible, so you could see the pavilion reflected off the surface. It's beautiful, isn't it? Each of the three floors is built in a different style. We can't go inside, but if we get a bit closer, we can see statues on the first floor. The other two are kept closed. What do you think?" I asked.

"Edward?" I elbowed his ribs playfully, but he didn't seem to notice. I leaned against the backrest. "We have time, I like the view too. There are more buildings in the garden, living quarters, teahouse, we can go see them too, if you like."

"Edward?" I leaned forward to look at him, and I swear I felt an icy-cold hand, crushing my ribs one by one, and wrapping fingers around my heart.

I knew that empty stare.

"Look at me! Can you even hear me? Shit! Edward?" I tried to wake him up by my touch, talking, yelling, kissing him, but he looked like he was in some kind of trance. He simply didn't react. He looked scary. I didn't know how long he was like that, but I felt like I was getting hundred years older. I even started to think about where the emergency numbers were written down in my guidebook. Then his eyes changed slightly, focusing, and my panicked heart slowed down. And then I heard it:

"I love you too."

I had told him the words so many times, never expecting him to return them. He always said he wasn't ready. And now…

But before my heart could melt, he was out again, talking nonsense.

"Edward, wake up! We are leaving. Right now. Get up!"

And within several minutes he was the old Edward, not understanding why I'd freaked out.

I wanted to go home. Tokyo, Houston, Seattle, I didn't care, as long as there would be professional help for him. The responsibility I felt was crushing me, and the panic I felt inside was making my hands shake.

But he talked me into staying. It was hard to resist the old Edward. He looked perfectly capable of making his own decisions. I knew the most important one — is it time to seek help? His mind wasn't able to make this decision anymore. Everything seemed easy during his ups, and no resistance was possible during his downs. _I_ should have been his voice of reason, but I was too much in love with him to make the unpopular decision.

-..-

The next day was almost fine. He looked happy; he managed to walk across the pond, even though ponds seemed to be a trigger for his depressive thoughts. We actually had a great time watching those koi.

And then he kissed me. Every cell in my body was awake; every nerve was tingling from pleasure. But the alarm that went off in my head drowned out all my desire to hug him tight and never let him go.

I was painfully aware that he didn't remember his "I love you too," and I felt too fragile to let myself drown in such an unstable relationship.

His love for Logan, his awakened feelings for me, his depression and doubting himself…

Edward seemed to be a whirlwind of strong emotions, and I was scared he would sweep me off my feet — but not in a good way. My guts were telling me that I could easily end up broken in a ditch once the tornado of his emotions would pass me, and he'd move to someone else or back to Logan.

I clenched my fists, trying to still my heart, and averted my eyes back to the forest, even though there was so much more I'd have loved to do.

If I knew how wrong the decision I'd just made…

-..-

I woke up the next day and silently watched him. He looked so cute curled up by the opposite wall. I thought he was arguing with himself. In fact, he looked slightly amused.

I should have known better!

I should have known I was on my way up on Eejanaika — the world's craziest rollercoaster in Fujiyoshida. And although _eejanaika_ means 'Ain't it great,' my day was not great; in fact it was as fucked up as it could get.

With his next words he pushed my seat over the edge, into the first of many loops on the crazy spinning ride down.

"I've been sitting here for what seems like a whole morning, and I can't stop those thoughts, they're nasty. That voice is telling me awful things. It's back, Jasper. It hurts. I'm sorry for what I've done to you. I should leave you alone. You are so good to me, and I am such a burden. I am sorry. I can't stop it, it's like somebody else is telling my brain what to think. I am so sorry, Jasper, I can't fight it anymore; make it go away, please…"

He was finally able to ask for help, and I was determined to arrange it. I didn't anticipate that I would scare him even more by my packing our things up. The old Edward fucking Cullen, the head of the Tokyo branch of their company, was gone. All I saw was a boy scared to death by the disease playing havoc with his brain.

"Baby, I am not going anywhere. I packed our things; we are going back to Tokyo. Together, you and me, do you hear me? We can get help either there, or we'll return to your apartment in Seattle. Together. I am not going anywhere without you."

Then he asked for a bath.

There could be nothing bad about a hot bath. Right?

Wrong.

He seemed to be okay, I shouldn't have asked. I shouldn't have pried when he refused to answer. But I was so, so, so tired. Someone sucked the energy out of my body, and I felt like I needed to end this crazy ride. I wanted to face the enemy and to tackle him to the ground. Shit! Like I didn't know better.

"I panicked. I felt worthless. Ashamed and mad at myself. It wasn't because of Logan though."

Worthless, ashamed, mad at himself. Those were typical symptoms. I didn't get that Logan remark though.

After he'd pushed me into telling him that Obon would end the next day, he lost it.

His unwitting movements were always scaring me. I knew that when the panic took over his mind, he had no idea how his body behaved. "Baby, please stop. It's killing me to see you like this. Edward, are you listening? Stop it!" I tightened my grip on his arms to stop his strange rocking.

"Twenty…six… no, no… seven. Twenty-seven!"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"I don't know!" he howled. "Isn't it some sort of code you use? You'd shrieked it when I grasped your hand the other day."

I knew then that we had to clear things up. It was like I was talking Japanese, and he Chinese. Both of us using similar characters, but not understanding each other.

Shit! He did clear things up for me. I felt like being punched in my stomach.

"You feel like shit because of me…" I couldn't believe it. I tried so hard to help him, and I was hurting him all the time. What kind of friend was I anyway? I wasn't helping. At. All. I didn't take him to a shrink, despite my belief that it would be the best for him. I kept him cowardly to myself instead. And now he just can't take my 'help' anymore. I blew it. I will lose him.

My feet were leaving wet traces on the tatami in the main room; my fist was hurting because of my punching a suitcase. This can't be happening. I have to make things right, I can't lose him either way, I thought.

Then, suddenly, the full meaning of Edward's previous words finally made it into my brain, and my mind changed gears to panic. He said he would rather die?

I could still feel the sharp pain that had bolted through my stomach at the thought as I reached the bathroom's door after my rushing back.

"Edward? Where are…"

My first thought was to flee. Away from that…that thing…from the horrible image of his dead body at the bottom of the tub. From the hair swaying in the water. From the closed eyes, before they would get widely open to frighten me in my dreams, just like the eyes of Jess had been for years.

In my head, somebody was shrieking in terror.

When my shaking fingers rippled the still water surface, I tightly shut my eyes. He was too close and too scary. I was terrified to touch the body, but somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I couldn't leave him underwater.

With my eyes still shut, I threaded my fingers in that wavy hair and pulled him out.

And he moved.

My eyes flew wide open when I heard him gasping for air.

He is back. He isn't gone. I can make it right. I didn't lose him. The first relief was quickly replaced by rage. I put all my fears into that punch.

"You piece of shit! What the fuck do you think you are doing? Are you fucking out of your mind?!" Even the wooden paneling couldn't absorb my yelling.

"What you do that for?!"

"No, why did _you_ just do _that_?! I knew it wouldn't go away. I knew it was going to be worse. I knew it! I should have done something much sooner. Damn it, Edward, what did you think you were doing?! Just how many people would've been heartbroken if you did it?"

"Jasper, what do you— I didn't try to kill myself! Are you out of your mind? What are you talking about? Why would you even think that?"

"You didn't?"

"Is that why you hit me?"

"I saw your head under water! What do you think it looked like?"

"I was just thinking!"

"Like that? At the bottom of the tub? Who are you kidding?"

"I wanted to have my ears under water. I didn't want to hear you calling names and leaving."

"I wasn't leaving!" I slid down to the bathroom floor, too tired to say more. I was emotionally exhausted. All I wanted was to turn into lather and flow into the drain. I desperately wanted to be somewhere far away. Somewhere on vacation. Can I take a vacation from my problems? From this rollercoaster, this incredible hopelessness and constant fear of his life?

It took me forever to pick myself up off the floor. Edward sat down to his already cold breakfast, and I hid by the window.

His previous look haunted me. His face hadn't been white, his hair was swaying in the water, but the calm look was the same. I didn't make an attempt to stop the traitor tear. I knew it wouldn't be the only one.

-..-

Somehow, Edward talked me into staying again. It was hard to deny him anything, but it was gradually adding snippets of guilt on my shoulder. Because I _knew_ I shouldn't listen to his pleading.

But, miraculously, Edward recovered. It looked like he realized sex as an antidepressant worked for him.

Since that passionate night at Inari Shrine, he was blooming. He still had his moments when I felt like the dark days were threatening to come back, but he seemed to be happy most of the time.

However, the mask I'd been wearing in front of him was slipping. I lived in constant fear that I'd do something that would throw him back into the suicidal mood. I was afraid to sleep at night and let him out of my sight. I felt the need to keep him in a good mood all the time. It was like Edward was made out of glass, and I had to make sure nothing would break him, not even my touch. Sometimes, I shut myself in the bathroom just to be alone for a while. To stop pretending. To wipe that optimistic smile from my face. I was getting tired.

After several days of Edward's happy mood, I thought we were out of the worst. I hoped everything would be fine from now on. However, he managed to push me down from my castle in the air again.

We were spending a day in Tadasu no mori, and all he needed to break my heart was one simple question.

"Do you love me, Jas? Do you?"

His depressive thoughts were making me sick with worry, but I knew he could hardly control them. But this…the alarm went off in my head again, and I was instantly pissed. This wasn't a question from a grown man. This was a thought-out manipulation, and it scared me that I immediately thought about blackmailing. Because I'd been set to end any relationship that would include only a hint of blackmailing.

And I didn't want to break up with Edward. He was my dreams come true. So why did he feel the need to threaten our relationship? Didn't he listen when I opened my heart to him at Nijo? Or at Kamigamo shrine? I almost asked him to marry me! And now he needs to ask? Why is he doubting my love for him? Does he like to be treated like a little kid? Hell, I want to have a strong man by my side, not someone whiney. Damn Edward, why you are doing this to me?

I was mentally leafing through our previous days together. I couldn't find anything that would correspond with Edward's current behavior. Maybe I was imagining things? Maybe my long-lasting fear of blackmailing led me to bad conclusions? But why did he feel the need to ask?

I was submerged into my own world, and at the end of our drive back to the city, I was pulling away from him. I wanted space. I didn't want to be touched. I wanted to avoid another possible question that would hurt me. I wanted to get out of the private bubble that had been surrounding us for days and that suddenly felt too tight.

I needed a club.

It was great to talk to someone other than Edward for a change. It was great to stop worrying about his depression. It was great to feel so free for a moment.

Well, Edward let me know pretty clearly what he thought about my freedom. Boy, he was hot! Angry and possessive, claiming what was his — claiming _me_. Jealously changed him in seconds, and the moment he grabbed my shirt and pushed me hard against the wall on the deserted staircase of the Azure club, I got weak at the knees and my body shuddered in pleasure. All my worries were forgotten. He was the one, the man I craved and needed.

And time told me that I did need a strong man by my side. I wouldn't have made it to Portland without him. I hardly recovered from the fear of losing him, and I had to deal with another death threat.

I'd heard that adrenaline usually helped people to deal with stress. I didn't feel that way. The weight of the previous weeks, together with the bad news about my father, broke me. Mom and Alice expected me to man up and take care of everything. I couldn't do it. There was simply no power in me anymore.

Edward was my savior, my hero, my knight in shining armor.

I spent hours in the hospital, feeling his support all the time. He spoke to doctors, kept my mother calm, found something encouraging in every update the doctors gave us. He helped me to come out to my mom. He was incredibly strong all the time. I couldn't believe a great man like him could have chosen me.

He could stay just two days though, and he left on Monday at noon.

-..-

_2007, Portland, five days after Edward's departure back to Tokyo_

I missed Edward terribly. My nightmares were back. Dad's condition hadn't improved yet. I was worried about Edward staying alone at Tokyo. Things couldn't get much worse.

Or so I'd thought before I opened Alice's laptop and logged into my email account.

Two days. They'd given me just two days. I had 48 hours to change my life and possibly break my heart in the process.

They hadn't even told me over the phone. After seven years of hard work, all I got was an official, written, cold warning. I stared at the screen and felt sick.

Over the past several years, I hardly ever took a day off. Officially, I had several _weeks_ of vacation available. But in real life…yeah I knew how Japanese companies looked at their employees taking days off. Wasn't anything sacred to my boss, though? I'd been in Portland for just seven days.

Seven miserable days spent at the hospital. Hours of sitting next to Dad's bed, watching his paper-thin white skin. I hadn't even had a chance to talk to him yet. Four nights in the waiting room; three nights on the floor in Becky's guest room.

Five days of Edward's constant pleading for me to come back.

Yes, seven miserable days was all it took for my boss to freak out.

Either I was supposed to be back next Monday, or he expected me to hand in my notice.

With a dread in my stomach, I realized that Edward would make his regular daily call in just half an hour.

I sighed. Of course he would be ecstatic if I was back on Monday.

I looked up the airline website and typed my request. The form gave me back over twenty vacant flights to choose from. Thanks to the western direction of the flight, I could depart on Sunday morning and arrive in Tokyo on Sunday afternoon.

Should I do it? Can I leave before I talk to my father? Is it the right thing to do?

Without feeling any real enthusiasm, I started to fill in the reservation form, feeling more and more miserable in the process.

Then my cell phone went off.

"How is he?"

I sharply inhaled in surprise. The connection was weak, but— "Brian?"


End file.
